It had been a week since Buffy found out about Drusilla’s death, and every day she longed to go see Spike. She almost called him a dozen times, and one night she was half way over to his apartment when she panicked, turned around and ran back home. A part of her wanted to say ‘hell with it’ and just go over there. But then she chickened out, afraid to find out that she was no longer welcome into his life.
Buffy wondered if Spike was ever thinking about her. Maybe he missed her just as much as she missed him. Maybe he wanted her to come over, maybe they could work everything out and be friends again, just like the last two years never happened. Yeah, right. She sighed, knowing that even if miracles did happen sometimes, it wasn’t likely it would happen to her.
If only she hadn’t been so stupid, such a coward! If she had told him, when he first started dating Drusilla, or even before that, how she really felt about him, what was the worst thing that could’ve happened? He could’ve turned her down, of course. But even if he did, wouldn’t it had been better to know? For both of them? Over the years, Buffy had often wished that she’d handled the situation differently.
She wondered were he was right now. Was he mourning his dead girlfriend? Probably. Was he alone? Buffy really didn’t want to know the answer to that. If he wasn’t, that meant that he had other friends, friends who wasn’t her. And that would be good, right? He deserved better friends that she had been. But still, she wanted to be the one to be there for him.
What if Tara had told him that she knew what happened? Then he would think that she didn’t care at all, since it had already been more than a week and she hadn’t looked him up. Nothing could be more wrong. Buffy cared, so much that she could hardly sleep at night. She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d been really happy, she’d been miserable for so long. Not that she would let anyone know that, of course. Whenever she was around her friends she put on an act, desperately trying to pretend she was still the same happy girl they expected her to be. Lies. Truth was, the happy girl she once had been, had died the same night Spike told her he was in love with Drusilla.
She also wondered about Drusilla’s death. Willow had been very vague, she had only told Buffy that it had been a car accident, and now Buffy couldn’t help wondering how it had happened. She didn’t want to know any details, she wasn’t morbid after all, but she wanted to know were Drusilla had been going. Home? To work? Had she been alone in the car? Was she the one driving? Was she an innocent victim for a drunk driver or something like that, or was she the one responsible for the accident? And where had Spike been at the time?
Buffy’s thoughts used to wander, keeping her awake for hours, before she finally managed to fall asleep. This night wasn’t any different from most others. She tossed and turned in her bed, unable to find a comfortable position. Finally she gave up, siting up with a sigh. She looked at her alarm clock. 3.15. Glancing over to the phone, she wondered if Spike was asleep. Back when they were still friends, Buffy sometimes used to call him in the middle of the night. Mostly when she’d woken up from a nightmare of some sort, or when she just could’t sleep. And he would never get angry at her for waking him up.
If she called him right now, would he be upset? Angry? Happy? She almost laughed. Why would he be happy to hear from her now, after all this time, and at this hour? It was more likely that he would just hang up on her, that was if he’d bother to pick up in the first place.
But what if he couldn’t sleep either? Maybe he would be happy to get someone to talk to, even if that someone was her. Maybe they could talk, and he would listen to her, letting her explain why she’d been such a bitch. And she would finally tell him the truth, that she’d been in love with him all this time. That was a great idea! Buffy groaned. Then what? Did she really expect him to forgive her, just like that? Maybe he’d tell her that her timing was perfect, since he’d just become single, and then they would live happily ever after. She snorted.
She should call him, just to see if he was okay. Maybe he needed someone to talk to right now, or maybe they could meet up for coffee or something the next day. She could tell him that she’d heard what happened, and that she was sorry. Right now she didn’t even care if he would yell at her, she just wanted to hear his voice. Buffy reached for the phone, then hesitated before dialling the number she’d memorized years ago. Was she doing the right thing? Did it matter? She started dialling, then hung up.
Growling with frustration, she dialled the number again, this time without hanging up. She counted the signals, two, three, wondering if she would panic again and hang up if he answered. Maybe Spike wasn’t even home. Maybe he…
“This better be good, know what bloody time it is?!”
Buffy did panic, but she didn’t hang up. She didn’t say anything either. Suddenly she felt like her tongue had grown twice as big, unable to form any words. Spike was home, and he had picked up. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
“Hello? Who the hell is this?!”
Buffy swallowed, then took a deep breath. She was afraid he would hang up if she didn’t manage to say anything. But what could she say? Dammit! She should’ve rehearsed a couple of times before making this call. Or maybe she shouldn’t have called in the first place. Maybe this was a big mistake. Maybe…
“Look, whoever this is, I’m hanging up now.”
“No, wait! It’s me, don’t hang up!” Buffy’s eyes widened when she realized that she’d spoken. Her heart was suddenly beating so hard, she thought her chest was going to burst. This was it, after all this time she was finally going to talk to Spike again. There was no turning back now.
TBC