To say that Spike was nervous, or even worried, would have been a huge understatement. He was absolutely terrified. Buffy had yet to say a word, and he couldn’t take it anymore. “Please, say something.” His voice broke and he had to force back a sob, refusing to start bawling like a nancy-boy. “You hate me.” It was a statement, not a question, and suddenly he didn’t want to hear the answer. At that moment, he just wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, else.
Buffy did let out a sob then, tears rolling down her face. “God, Spike, don’t you know by now…” Another sob escaped from her throat, and she was dangerously close to losing it completely. “How can you think, even for one second, that I…” She was sobbing loudly now, realizing that he could hardly hear what she was saying. “…that I could ever hate you?”
He just stared at her, not understanding what she was saying, simply unable to take in what her words meant. Then he shook his head in denial. “You can’t…” He stopped, unsure of what it was he wanted to say.
Buffy seemed to be confused as well, looking at him through the tears. “Can’t what?”
He closed his eyes, angrily, refusing to let her see the tears he so desperately tried to hold back. “You can’t just say it’s okay. You can’t forgive me!”
She shook her head, approaching him slowly, as if she was afraid he’d turn around and run away. Truth to be told, the idea had occurred to him. “No. Because there’s nothing to forgive.” She took a shaky breath, wiping away the tears from her face. “Spike, you haven’t…”
“Don’t! Don’t say it! God, Buffy, you can’t possibly say you’re okay with this.”
He was crying now, without seeming to realize it, and it almost broke her heart. “Spike…” She took another step towards him, but he stubbornly backed away. “Spike, listen to me…”
“No!” He had backed up against the wall, panicking when he couldn’t get further away from her. Buffy reached out for him, but he raised his hands as a shield, to keep her from coming closer. “Don’t touch me!”
Buffy stopped in her tracks, tears threatening to fall again. “Please, I…” She swallowed hard. “I love you.”
Spike let out a bitter laugh, although it sounded more like a sob. “Don’t say that!” He glared at her. “You can’t love me. Because I’m bad, Buffy, I’m a bad man. What I’ve done to Dru for all this time is sick, and you can’t just accept it like it’s… like it’s normal, like I’m normal!” She had stopped trying to get through to him, now she was just standing there, waiting for him to get it all out.
He went on, his entire body shaking from the force of the emotions; “Don’t say you love me. I’m sick! I hurt people! Don’t forgive me…” He slid down to the floor, burying his face in his hands.
Buffy dropped to her knees next to him, careful not to touch him. She didn’t realize she was speaking until it was already to late to stop. “I’m not the one who has to forgive you. Because there’s nothing for me to forgive. But you have to forgive yourself.” He looked up at her then, his face a mixture of pain and confusion, and Buffy went on; “Drusilla was sick, not you. She was the one hurting you, can’t you see that? Because if you really love someone, you don’t make them do things they don’t want to do, no matter how much you might enjoy it.”
She hesitated for a moment, not wanting to go too far, but still having some things she needed him to hear. “A part of you got turned on, sure, but you can’t seriously say that you ever, in a million years, would’ve come up with the idea yourself if she hadn’t suggested it in the first place.” He just looked at her, then shook his head, slowly. Buffy was suddenly terrified of saying the wrong thing, when she finally seemed to be getting through to him. She ached to touch him, but didn’t dare, not yet.
“Spike, it wasn’t your fault, none of it, not the accident, and not what happened before that.” He opened his mouth to protest, but she raised her hand to stop him. “I don’t know what happened that day, not all of it anyway, but I do know that it was Drusilla who was behind the wheel, not you. And yet, for some reason, you’re blaming yourself for what happened. Am I right?” He looked away, and Buffy rolled her eyes. “Never mind, I know I’m right. I’ve known for a while now, but I just couldn’t understand why.” She gave him a sad smile. “I do now.”
He gave her a questioning look, like he wanted her to explain it to him. Buffy held out her hand, holding her breath, and almost cried with relief when he, after a moments hesitation, took it. When she started speaking again, she almost didn’t recognize her own voice. “You’ve been blaming yourself for everything, all this time, when you really should’ve been blaming her. And I think you’re feeling guilty because, deep down, you’re actually glad that she’s gone, even though you never wanted it to happen the way it did.”
When he didn’t object, Buffy went on; “You’re not a bad man, Spike. So you’ve made some mistakes. But who hasn’t?” He stared at her in disbelief, but didn’t say anything. She sighed. “Look, I’m not saying I’m not the least bit bothered by all this, it’s going to take some time to take it all in, but I’ll deal with it.” She gave him an almost pleading look. “We’ll deal with it together, okay? Just don’t shut me out.”
A tear rolled down his cheek, and he quickly wiped it away. “I don’t know how to deal with it.”
Buffy reached out for him then, silently praying that he wouldn’t pull away again. He didn’t, and she finally managed to pull him into her arms. She started rubbing his back, and he laid his head down to rest on her shoulder. “We’ll get through this, baby, I promise.” Her hand came up to play, softly, with his hair, and he let out a sigh. He was just so tired.
She kept mumbling soothingly in his ear, and he could finally feel himself relax, really relax, something he hadn’t been able to do for a really long time. Buffy had said that everything would be okay, and right now, for the first time, he actually dared to believe her.
TBC
[Reviews - 563]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 3528 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Here's the next chap, I hope you'll like it. Enjoy the reading! :)