When Spike got back into the kitchen, he found Buffy by the table, munching on some toast. She gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry, couldn’t wait, I was just too hungry.” She hurried to add; “There’s plenty more in the toaster. Want some coffee?”
He shook his head. “No thanks, pet. Not really hungry.”
Buffy immediately put her toast down, giving him a worried look. “Are you okay, what happened? What did he say to you?”
Spike sat down next to her, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. “I’m fine.” He hesitated before he went on. “Said he’d stay here in Sunnydale, that he’s moving back here for good.”
Buffy’s eyes widened. “Wow. That’s…” She wasn’t sure if it was good news or bad, and wanted to hear his opinion on the matter before saying anything. “How do you feel about that?” He just shrugged. “You have to feel something, come on, talk to me.”
He got up, suddenly looking annoyed. “I don’t have to do anything, Buffy. There’s nothing to talk about, just back the hell off!”
She swallowed, taken aback by his sudden outburst. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Spike sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, then sat back down again. “No, I’m sorry. And you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.” Buffy looked down into her empty cup, a miserable look on her face.
He suddenly felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Once again he’d taken his anger out on Buffy, she’d done nothing to deserve that. “Buffy? Luv?” She looked up, tears threatening to fall. “It’s not you I’m mad at, sweetheart, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I just…” He stopped, not knowing how to explain.
“It’s okay.” Buffy blinked away the tears, forcing a smile. “We don’t have to talk about it, let’s just forget…”
“I mean, who the bloody hell does he think he is?! I’ve been fine, better than fine, without him for years, what gives him the right to think he can just go back to act like my father all of the sudden? Like I’d need him here anyway. Not bloody likely!” Spike jumped up from the chair again, angrily starting to pace the room.
Buffy got up too, grabbing his arm to stop him. “Spike, it’s okay…”
He stopped, abruptly, glaring at her. “It’s not okay! Why now, Buffy? Care to explain that to me, ‘cause I sure as hell can’t figure it out. He hasn’t given a damn about me for all this time, why does he have to come back now?”
Buffy opened her mouth to speak, then hesitated for a moment, choosing her words carefully. “Maybe he feels really bad about what he did, and just wants to make things right again.”
Spike snorted. “Yeah, right! If that’s so, why now? Why not last year, or before my mum died?” She looked away, mumbling something. “What was that?”
She sighed, taking a deep breath. “Are you sure he didn’t try back then? Maybe you…” She swallowed. “Maybe you were just too busy being angry at him to notice?”
His eyes narrowed. “It’s all my fault, is that what you’re saying?”
“No! Of course not.” Buffy rolled her eyes, angry at herself for not being able to find the right words. “There are no excuses for what he did. But I think he knows that. And I truly believe that he’s sorry for what he’s put you through. He has to be. Cause I don’t think your father’s really a bad person, he just made a really bad decision.” She paused, before finishing; “People do that sometimes.”
“I should know, right?” He gave her a cold look.
She frowned. “What?”
“You said, sometimes people make really bad decisions. But you’re not just talking about any people, you’re talking about me. You don’t think I have the right to blame my father for what he did, because of the things I’ve done. Right?”
Buffy stared at him in shock. “God, Spike, no! That is so not what I meant. Of course you have the right to…”
“You’re right, though.” He shrugged. “I’ve done some really bad things too, and you could forgive me. But I can’t forgive him. What kind of person does that make me?”
For a moment, Buffy just looked at him, dumbfounded. Then she grabbed his arm and pulled him back towards the chair. “That’s it. Sit!” He was too shocked to object, siting down without a word. “Now you’re going to listen to me, and I don’t want any interruptions. You understand?” He opened his mouth, then closed it again, merely nodding. “Good.”
She knelt down next to him, putting both her hands on his knees. “First of all, when are you going to get it into your thick head that you’ve done nothing that needs to be forgiven, least of all by me?” He opened his mouth again, about to protest, but she put her finger on his lips to stop him. “Uh-uh! What did I say about interrupting?” He closed his mouth again, and if she didn’t know better, she’d say he was pouting.
Giving him a warning look, to make sure he understood, she then went on; “Second of all, don’t you ever compare yourself to your father. Nobody forced him to leave all those years ago, he made that decision all by himself. You wanna know what kind of person you are? I’ll tell you. You’re a great person, someone who’s been through so much more in a few years than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime. And the fact that you still, after everything that’s happened, have so much love to give makes you more than just great. It makes you exraordinary. And I’ll be beyond grateful, for the rest of my life, that I’m the one who gets to be loved by you. And God knows that the love is more than mutual.”
He just stared at her, speechless. Then he swallowed, a tear rolling down his cheek. Buffy got up to her feet, then siting down on his lap, wrapping her arms around him. It only took a second before she felt his arms around her as well. They sat like that for a couple of minutes, then Buffy pulled back a little, looking him deep in the eyes. “I’m not saying that you have to forgive your father right away. I’m not even sure you should. He can’t go back and change the past, though, anymore than you can. But maybe, some day, you’ll be able to let him back into your life, not for him, but for yourself. Because, no matter what he’s done in the past, he’ll always be your father.”
For a moment, he didn’t say anything, and Buffy was a little afraid she’d gone too far. Then he sighed. “I hear what you’re saying, and it all sounds really good, in theory. But I don’t know if I can do it, Buffy. Right now, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to forgive him. I wish I could, I really do. But…” He sighed again. “I just don’t know.”
Buffy nodded, leaning over to kiss him. “I understand. And it’s okay. You don’t have to forgive him. But do you think you can at least accept the fact that maybe he really has changed, that he’s actually trying?”
Spike seemed to be thinking about it for a moment. Then he nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.” He paused for a second. “As long as I don’t have to have him over for dinner again any time soon.”
She blushed. “I did say I was sorry about that, didn’t I?”
“That you did. And I know you were just trying to help, but next time…” He gave her a firm look. “Don’t. At least not when it involves Rupert.” She nodded, looking ashamed. “Thank you.” Then he looked at the now forgotten food on the table. “You’re gonna finish that?”
She looked confused for a moment, then shook her head. “Not hungry any more. You?” He shook his head, and she suddenly realized how tired he looked. “How ‘bout we’ll clear up in here and go rest for a while?”
Spike frowned. “It’s ten thirty in the morning.”
Buffy shrugged. “So? Who says we can’t spend the entire day in bed if we want to?”
He couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well, when you put it that way, it actually sounds quite appealing.” She smiled, raising her eyebrows in a suggestive manner. “Right, here we go.” He got up, scoping her up in his arms.
She let out a squeal. “Spike! What about clearing up the kitchen?”
“Sod the bleedin’ kitchen!” She giggled, putting her arms around his neck as he carried her towards the bedroom.
TBC
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