At first, the only response Buffy got was silence, and she feared that Spike had simply hung up. “Spike? Are you there?”
“Buffy?”
She let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God, I thought you…”
“What the hell do you want? Know what time it is?!”
Okay, so she’d been right when she figured he wouldn’t be happy to hear from her. Buffy swallowed, trying to get her emotions under control. She was afraid she might start crying, and that would be a total disaster. Taking a couple of shaky breaths, she finally spoke. “I…I’m sorry, I know it’s kinda late. Did I wake you?”
“Yeah, like you’d care about that. What do you want?”
He sounded so angry, so different from the way she remembered him. But on the other hand, back then he’d still liked her. “I…” Suddenly she didn’t know what to say. She’d called to see if he was okay, and to hear his voice, but she couldn’t tell him that now, could she? And even if he wasn’t okay, it wasn’t very likely that he’d want to talk to her about it. This was a mistake, she shouldn’t have called. She had wanted, so desperately for things to be okay between them again. But she should’ve known that it just wasn’t possible.
“I…I just thought we could, maybe, talk.” She spoke the last words so quietly, she didn’t think he’d even heard what she said. But he had.
“Talk?! It’s been two bloody years, and now, you wanna talk?”
This was bad, very bad. Desperately, she made a final attempt to get through to him. “Spike, I heard about the accident, and…”
*CLICK*
“Spike?” Tears started rolling down Buffy’s cheeks when she realized that he’d hung up. She dropped the phone, letting it fall to the floor, then buried her face in the pillow, sobbing into it quietly until she finally fell asleep.
Unable to go back to sleep, Spike got out of bed, muttering to himself. Stupid bint, why did she have to call? He’d been just fine without Buffy Summers for a long time now, and the last thing he needed now was her, trying to force her way back into his life. He stubbornly ignored the fact that there hadn’t been a day, for the last two years, when he hadn’t silently been hoping that she would contact him again.
He’d never figured out what he’d done to make Buffy hate him so much, that she wouldn’t even talk to him about it. Instead, she’d just started avoiding him and refused to return his phone calls, until he realized that she obviously didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. That had hurt him more than he thought was possible, he hadn’t just felt like he’d lost his best friend, he’d felt like he’d actually lost a part of himself.
And now, after all this time, she thought she could just call him, in the middle of the night, like nothing happened? To what? Talk? He snorted. She didn’t want to talk before, and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk now. So, she’d heard about what happened, and now she felt sorry for him? He didn’t want her pity. In fact, if he never heard another word from Buffy again, he’d be perfectly happy.
That was bollocks, of course. Spike still missed her, and now when he’d heard her voice again, he missed her more than ever. A part of him wanted nothing more than to call her right back, but he wouldn’t do that. He still had some pride left, after all. But he couldn’t help but wish that things had been different. If only he knew what he’d done wrong, in the first place. The only thing he could think of was that Buffy had, somehow, found out about how he really felt about her.
Spike had been in love with Buffy since the first time he saw her, although he hadn’t realized that at the time. He knew that she would never feel the same way about him, and didn’t want to lose their friendship, so he’d kept his feelings to himself. That’s why he’d been so relieved when he’d first met Drusilla. Not only was she beautiful, she’d also seemed to be truly interested in him. The fact that she also had a darker side to her, he chose to simply ignore.
If Buffy had still been a part of his life, he probably hadn’t stayed with Drusilla for as long as he had. Then, maybe, things had ended differently, but he wouldn’t go there, nothing good would come from thinking like that. Why did everything have to be so bloody complicated? And he had no one who he could talk to about it, no one who would understand, anyway. His friends had no idea what his relationship with Drusilla had really been like.
There had been some really good times, at the beginning of their relationship, at least. He and Drusilla had been very happy together for a while. And it had felt so good to have someone in his life that he was actually allowed to love. Before he’d met Dru, he’d never been much for serious relationships. He’d dated a lot of girls before, but not a single one of them could give him what he needed. There was sex, of course, but he could get that anyway. He’d never seen anything wrong with a one-night-stand, as long as he and the girl both would agree that it would never be anything more than that.
But with Drusilla, it had been different. She’d made it clear from the beginning that she wanted more than just sex, she wanted a relationship. He hadn't minded, he’d been amazed that the dark-haired, mysterious beauty actually wanted to be with him. He’d wanted to get his mind off of Buffy, and that had worked out just fine, since Drusilla had been her total opposite.
Spike remembered how happy Buffy had been for him when he’d told her that he was in love with Drusilla, and that was when he’d finally lost the last piece of hope that it could ever be anything between them. He’d secretly hoped that Buffy would be disappointed, that she’d give him some little sign that she wanted them to be more then just friends. But of course she hadn’t, and after that, things had just started to get down hill.
Buffy had started avoiding him, and he was stuck in a relationship he didn’t really want. He knew that he should’ve left Drusilla, but he hadn’t, mostly for two reasons. She obviously loved him, and he didn’t want to hurt her. But also, he’d wanted it to work between them. If he would ever truly get over Buffy, he needed Drusilla, he couldn’t do it alone. So he’d tried, and tried to be what she expected him to be. Although, it never seemed to be quite enough.
He’d never said anything, though. He didn’t want anyone to know that his relationship wasn’t as perfect as he’d made it seem. Everybody had thought that he was happily in love with Drusilla, and that was exactly what he’d wanted them to think. There was no way he’d tell them that he secretly still lusted for his lost friend. They wouldn’t understand.
Now Drusilla was dead. His friends had been so worried about how he’d handle it, but he had refused to talk to anyone about it. They thought he was mourning her, and he couldn’t exactly tell them the truth; that he was actually relieved. Relieved that it was all over.
TBC