”Spike, wait!” Buffy’s hand came to catch his, as it was caressing her thigh. They’d been lying in bed, cuddling for a while, and at some point their clothes had been removed.
He stopped immediately, looking ashamed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
“No, that’s not…” Buffy hesitated. “It’s not that I don’t want to, believe me. But are you sure you’re ready for this?”
Spike frowned at her. “Way to make me sound even more like a bloody nancy-boy, pet.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “So not what I meant, and you know it.”
“Yeah, I do.” Spike leaned over to kiss her, which brought a smile on her face. She was more than happy to return the kiss, hungrily. Then he pulled back, looking her deep in the eyes. “Are you ready for this?” She just nodded, giving him an assuring smile. “Good.” He kissed her again. “I love you.”
Her smile grew even wider. “Love you too, baby.” She suddenly became shy, looking away in embarrassment. “You can, um… put your hand back now.”
Trying to hide his amusement, he obeyed, running his hand over her bare thigh again. “This okay, luv? You like it?” Her soft moan told him that she was more than okay with what he was doing. He started kissing her neck, slowly making his way down to her collar bone. She let out another moan as his hand went a little higher, coming to rest between her legs, and he soon became aware of how much she enjoyed it, as she started rubbing her clit against his hand.
Buffy’s arms tightened around him, and she shifted a little in her position to give him better access. “Mm, that’s it, feels so good! Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it!”
‘That’s it, Spike, keep doing it! That’s my boy! Do it again!’
Spike pulled back, abruptly, suddenly having heard Drusilla’s voice just as clearly had she been right there in bed with them. He gasped, the panic evident in his voice. “Don’t wanna hurt you!”
Buffy frowned, her face a mixture of confusion and concern. “What are you talking about, you haven’t…” Then she stopped, understanding dawning on her. “It’s okay, I’m not asking you to. All I want is for you to keep touching me.”
He blinked, snapping out of it. “Buffy, sorry, I…” He stopped then, not sure of what to say. Angry at himself for once again letting Drusilla come between them, and determined to give Buffy what she wanted, he started kissing her again, almost fiercely. His hand fumbled to find its way back down, one finger sliding inside her, then another one.
She gasped, from both shock and pleasure, although mostly pleasure, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Oh God, please don’t stop!”
‘Don’t stop, sweet William, feel how wet I am? Do it again, I know you want to. So hard, you’re enjoying this as much as I am, aren’t you?’
He pulled back again, closing his eyes to block out the memories. Buffy let go of him, giving him a worried look. “What’s wrong?”
‘What’s wrong, Spike? Afraid you might enjoy it?’
“Nothing’s wrong!” Seeing the hurt look on her face, he sighed. “It’s not you, okay? It’s me.” He let out a frustrated growl. “Sod this! I’m too screwed up to do this right.”
Buffy struggled to sit up, wrapping the bed sheet around her. Suddenly she felt very cold. “You want me to leave?” Seeing the sudden panic on his face, she relaxed a little. “Then what do you want?”
Spike looked at her in confusion, not sure he understood what she meant. “I want to be able to give you what you want, what you deserve. I want to make it good for you.”
She frowned again. “I asked you what you wanted, for yourself.” He just looked at her, a blank expression on his face, and Buffy tried to clarify; “What about what you want, what you deserve? What do you want me to do, to make it good for you.”
“That’s not…” Spike still looked confused, like the idea had never occurred to him before. “It’s not about me, pet, I…” He hesitated, suddenly feeling like his head was spinning. With Drusilla, it had never been about him, everything had always been about her. She hadn’t been deliberately mean, or selfish, at least he didn’t think so, it was just the way she was. And whenever he’d had enough and protested, she’d just looked at him with those big teary puppy-dog eyes, telling him how sorry she was and insisting that she needed to be punished.
And he fell for it every time. No matter how much he disliked it, she always managed to manipulate him into doing what she wanted. Except for that one, last time. And that had haunted him ever since, if he had given in to her wishes that day, Drusilla would still be alive. Not wanting to go there, he shook his head as if to clear it, suddenly realizing that Buffy was talking to him.
“… two people, right?”
Having not heard a word she’d said, he forced the bad memories to the back of his mind, giving Buffy an apologetic look. “Sorry, luv, what was that?”
Buffy looked at him patiently, repeating what she’d just said. “I said, we’re in this together. A relationship consists of two people, in this case you and me. What makes you think that your opinion doesn’t matter just as much as mine?”
He looked away, suddenly feeling very stupid. What Buffy was saying made perfectly sense, he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t seen it that way before. It was like, after gotten involved with Drusilla, he’d been completely brainwashed, and the guilt he still felt about her death didn’t exactly help. He sighed. “Buffy, are you sure you wanna do this?”
Having waited for him to answer her question, she was taken aback by the sudden change of subject. “Do what?”
“This. You and me.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Are you sure that being with me is really what you want? Because I wasn’t kidding when I said I was screwed up. Sometimes I think I’m going insane here, Buffy. It’s like, even though she’s dead, she’s still messing with my head, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be, and if this is all too much for you, well let’s just say that I can’t exactly blame you if you want out.”
For a moment, Buffy was torn between wanting to take him into her arms and just hold him forever, or punch him in the face and scream in frustration. “Are you done?” He looked a little surprised, but nodded. “Okay.” She slapped him on the arm, a little harder than she’d first intended.
“Ow! What the bleedin’…?!” He rubbed his arm, glaring at her. “Why’d you do that for?!”
Buffy glared back at him. “Because you’re being a jerk, that’s why.” Her face softened, and she suddenly looked sad. “Nothing that I say is ever going to be enough, is it? You have any idea how damn frustrating this is? I try and I try, again and again, to make you see that I’ll always love you, no matter what. But still you have doubts in me. What more can I do, Spike, to make you see that my feelings for you are real? What more than ‘I love you’ can I say?”
“I… I don’t know.” He paused, as if he was thinking hard about something. “I mean, I do know how you feel about me. I just…” He looked her in the eyes. ”I just don’t understand how you can be so patient with me, is all.”
She smiled a little then. “Me neither. You can be really thick-headed sometimes.” He glared at her, pretending to be offended, then couldn’t help but chuckle. Buffy took his hand, squeezing it gently, then became serious. “Have you ever considered talking to anyone about all of this? I mean, like a…”
“Like a shrink?” Spike grimaced. “Don’t think so, luv. Pouring my heart out to a complete stranger - not exactly my thing.”
Buffy nodded. “I understand. But maybe…”
Spike interrupted her. “I said no, Buffy. Just let it go.” Buffy pouted a little. “And that’s not going to help, so just drop it.”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine. But you have to promise me one thing.”
He gave her a suspicious look. “What’s that?”
“That you’ll stop trying to push me away, ‘for my own good’. I know exactly what I want, and that is to be with you. Nothing else matters.”
Smiling a little, he leaned over and kissed her, first on the forehead, then on the lips. “Think I can do that.”
Buffy let out the breath she’d been holding. “Good.” Then she giggled. “You do realize that we’re still lying here in bed, naked?”
Raising his eyebrows, Spike reached out to softly caress her stomach, causing her to moan as his hand went lower. “Your point is…?”
“My point is, either we’ll just get dressed, or…” Now it was her eyebrows that went up, and she smiled sweetly, waiting for him to take the hint. She wasn’t disappointed.
“Or, we could do this.” Buffy let out an ‘eep’ as he rolled them over so he was now on top of her. Then he kissed her again.
“Mmm… Wait! Are you sure…?” Buffy tried to pull back so she could look at him, but he stopped her by catching her lips again, and she happily gave in. As he slid inside her, both of them felt like they’d finally come home.
TBC
[Reviews - 563]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 3275 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Some of you have asked me about my other story - Saving You, and I just thought I'd let you know that I've decided to finish this one first, before I'll continue writing on that. I've also just gotten a beta for that one, and I want to give her some time to go through the previous chapters before I'll post anything more. But now I'll stop rambling and let you go on reading this story. It's not that much left, but there will still be a couple of more chapters before it's over. Thanks for all the lovely reviews I've gotten so far!