“Buffy?” Spike gave her a worried look when she had yet to say anything. “You okay, pet?”
She seemed to snap out of it, staring at him in disbelief. “After what you just told me, you’re asking me that?” He just shrugged, and Buffy suddenly felt like she was going to be sick. “You’re saying Drusilla… that she tried to…” She couldn’t finish the sentence.
Spike sighed. “Knew I shouldn’t have told you this.”
“No, I’m glad you did. But…” Buffy swallowed. “You do realize that she was sick, right? I mean, you can’t possibly blame yourself for anything she did?”
He shrugged again. “It’s complicated.”
Buffy snorted. “Complicated, my ass! I can’t believe you’re actually defending her, after everything she’s put you through!”
Spike got up, suddenly feeling a headache coming up. “I’m not defending her! But what do you want me to say? That she still would’ve been dead, even if it wasn’t for me? We both know that’s not true.”
“Spike…” She got up as well, reaching out for him, but he took a step back.
“Don’t, Buffy. Don’t look at me like that.”
She frowned. “Like what?”
“Like that!” He rolled his eyes. “I don’t want your soddin’ pity, Buffy, that’s not why I told you this. You don’t have to feel sorry for me.”
“That’s not…!” Buffy glared at him. “I mean, if you think…!” She stopped, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. “You wanna know what I feel? I can assure you, it has nothing to do with pity. I feel…” She became quiet for a moment. “I hate her, more than I’ve ever hated anyone before in my entire life!” Spike opened his mouth to say something, but Buffy went on; “I’ve never even talked to her in person, and I hate her so much it chokes me. And I’m glad she’s dead, because if she wasn’t…” She blinked away some tears, refusing to let them fall. “…then I gladly would’ve killed her myself for what she did to you.”
“Buffy…” Spike sighed again. “Not that I don’t appreciate hearing that you wouldn’t mind committing murder for me, but… Any chance you can just let this go?” He had finally decided to tell Buffy everything about the accident because he didn’t want there to be any more secrets between them. But now he wondered if it really had been the right thing to do. The sympathy he now saw in her eyes was almost too much for him to handle, and he was convinced that he didn’t deserve it.
“Let it go?! Spike…!” Buffy realized that she was yelling, and forced herself to lower her voice. “How can you say that? What’s the matter with you, it’s like you refuse to see that what she did was wrong. God, what has she done to you to make you act like this?”
“Oh, I know it was wrong.” Spike let out a bitter laugh. “You said she was sick. Maybe you’re right. But what does that make me then?”
She stared at him. “It’s not your fault that she got off on…”
Spike interrupted her. “No. But it was my fault that it went as far as it did. Don’t you see it, Buffy? I let her manipulate me into going along with her soddin’ games.” He paused as realization hit him. “She was sick, and she needed help. But instead of helping her, I just went along with it, like it was okay. I made her think that what we were doing was okay.”
Buffy felt like her head was spinning. “No, she made you think…”
Spike was beyond frustrated. “Dammit, Buffy, why can’t you just see that I’m the one to blame here?!”
“Stop yelling at me!” Buffy glared at him, furiously stomping her foot.
He stopped, looking taken aback by her outburst. “I… I’m sorry.”
Buffy’s bottom lip started to tremble. “Spike, I love you…”
“I know…”
She raised her hand to stop him, and went on; “…but you’ll have to stop taking your anger out on me.” He looked ashamed, lowering his eyes. Buffy sighed. “Look, Spike, I understand you feel guilty about what happened, I really do. And I’m sorry. It’s over now, though. Drusilla is beyond help. But you’re not.”
He looked at her in confusion. “What are you on about? I don’t need any help.”
Buffy gave him a sad smile. “Yes you do, and the fact that you don’t realize that…” She hesitated. “When was the last time you got to sleep the entire night without nightmares?” He opened his mouth, then closed it again, shrugging. “Don’t you see? It’s not going to stop. Even though she’s dead, she’s still ruining your life, messing with your head. You said so yourself.”
Spike looked away. “What are you saying?”
She cupped his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “I’m saying that it’s time for you to go talk to someone about all of this, someone professional. Someone who can help you deal with the guilt you’re feeling.” Seeing that he was about to protest, she hurriedly went on; “Because if you don’t, I fear that it will eventually tear us apart, and I don’t want that.”
Seeing how shaken he suddenly looked, she silently prayed that she'd finally gotten through to him. He swallowed. “I don’t want that either.”
Buffy was more than relieved. “Okay, good. That’s a start.”
“But I don’t…” Spike hesitated, unsure of how to explain. “I don’t know if I can just tell some stranger about all of this, it would just feel…” He shrugged. “…weird.”
“At first, maybe.” Buffy nodded in understanding. “But I truly believe it would help, in the long run. I mean it.”
He seemed reluctant, but nodded as well. “Alright. If that’s what you want, I’ll do it.”
Frowning, Buffy put both of her hands on his shoulders, looking him in the eyes. “What about you? What do you want?”
Spike sighed, rolling his eyes. “I want to get past this, so we can both move on, together. I don’t want this to come between us anymore.” She smiled then, and he pulled her into his arms. “I love you, Buffy. If you really think me talking to someone is the only way to get through this, then I will.”
Buffy let out the breath she’d been holding, wrapping her arms around him. “Thank you. I love you so much, you know that.” She pulled back, and their eyes met. “Right?”
He smiled at her, kissing her softly on the lips before answering. “Yeah, I know.”
TBC
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