Buffy was nervous. No, actually, she was way beyond nervous. There was no turning back now, she’d given Spike the letter, and what would happen next was up to him. Would he read it? At least he’d said he would, right? But how would he react? Would he call her, or come over? She looked at her watch, realizing that it had been more than an hour since she’d left his apartment. He should’ve had enough time to read it by now. Maybe he was on his way over to her, right now.
Had it been the right thing to do? Buffy wasn’t sure, but it was too late to change her mind now. There was nothing she could do but wait. She was fidgeting, nervously, on the couch, unable to sit still. Jumping up, she headed towards the kitchen. Maybe some ice-cream would help take her mind off of Spike, at least for a little while.
Unfortunately, the freezer was empty, except for some frozen vegetables that probably had been in there for months. Grumbling to herself, Buffy opened the fridge, looking for something edible. She let out a disappointed sigh. Obviously, it was time to do some grocery shopping. Although, down at the bottom shelf, she spotted something that caught her interest.
Buffy didn’t usually drink, and she hadn’t bought the vodka herself, she’d gotten it as a present for her last birthday. She still hadn’t touched it, but now she opened the bottle, sniffing at its contents. Surely, it couldn’t be that bad? She poured some of the transparent fluid into a small glass she got from the kitchen cabinet, and was just about to have a taste, when her cell phone rang. Letting out an ‘eep’, she rushed into the living room where she’d left her purse, the vodka completely forgotten.
‘Spike’ His name was on top of the letter, written with the neat handwriting he still recognized.
‘If you’re reading this, then I guess it means that either you won’t talk to me, or I chickened out. Again. Maybe it’s better this way. I don’t know if I’d been able to tell you this face to face, anyway.’
After that, a couple of sentences had been crossed out, multiple times, it was impossible to see what the words had been. Spike was curious, but gave up trying to see through the layers of ink, and kept reading.
‘The thing is, I love you…’
What?! Spike froze in his tracks, sitting up abruptly. Certain that he’d been mistaken, he read the last six words again, and again. It still said the same thing, he hadn’t been hallucinating. In a state of shock, he hurriedly went on.
‘The thing is, I love you, and have done so for years now. Didn’t you ever wonder why the few relationships I had, back when we were still in high school, never lasted longer than a week? That’s because the guys I was involved with weren’t you.’
Spike stared at the letter, feeling like his head was spinning. Was this some bad joke?
‘When you started dating Drusilla, I tried so hard to be happy for you, but I couldn’t. I know that I was a bad friend, but it broke my heart to see you with her. That’s why I started avoiding you, I know how much you loved her and I couldn’t handle it. I’m so sorry…’
Spike swallowed, putting the letter down. So, all this time when he’d been secretly in love with Buffy, she had felt the same way about him? He let out a bitter laugh, realizing the irony of it all. Buffy had never told him about her true feelings, because he’d been with Drusilla. But if she had told him, he would’ve dumped Dru without a second thought. He took a deep breath, and picked up the letter again.
Almost sobbing with frustration, Buffy finally hung up the phone, scared out of her mind that Spike had been trying to call her when she’d been on the phone. She’d been so sure it was him, but it had only been Willow, wondering if Buffy wanted to join her and Tara for lunch. Buffy had told her that she was busy, and tried to finish the conversation immediately, but Willow hadn’t taken the hint, she’d talked non-stop for almost ten minutes, before Buffy had managed to intervene.
Suddenly remembering the glass of vodka she’d poured herself before Willow had called, Buffy went back into the kitchen. If she’d been a little freaked out before, now she was almost panicking. Hesitating a little, she picked up the glass and took a small sip. Swallowing, she made an ‘eew’ face, as the alcohol made her feel like the inside of her throat was burning.
Grimacing, she put the glass down, thinking that she wasn’t that desperate, at least not yet. Leaving the glass and the bottle in the kitchen, she went back into the living room and sat down on the couch again. Maybe she could watch some tv instead. Reaching for the remote, she leaned back on the couch with a sigh. If Spike had called, and the line had been busy, surely he would call again. With that hopeful thought in mind, she managed a small smile and turned on the tv.
‘I’m so sorry for not having the guts to tell you the truth. I…’
More words had been crossed out, and there were some stains on the paper, that he thought could possibly have been made by tears. Buffy's tears.
‘…don’t blame you if you hate me and never want to see me again, but I had to let you know how I feel. Even if it’s too late for us to ever be friends again, I just want you to know that I miss you, and I always have, ever since the moment I walked away from you. I’m not asking you for anything, I know you’ve never felt the same way about me, but please, if you can find it in your heart to just give me another chance, I want to try to make it okay again. If you don’t want to, I understand and I won’t bother you again. But if you do, you know where to find me. That’s all I had to say.
One last word was crossed over, before Buffy had signed the letter with her name, and Spike suspected that the word had been ‘love’. He read the whole letter again, and felt anger welling up inside him. So much pain could’ve been avoided if Buffy just had been honest with him in the first place. How could she possibly expect things to ever be the same between them again? Furiously, he crumpled up the letter and threw it on the floor.
Almost two hours later, Buffy’s hope had faded. She still hadn’t heard a word from Spike, and she was starting to doubt that she would. Suddenly angry, both at herself and him, she got up and went back into the kitchen for the third time. The glass of vodka was still standing on the kitchen counter, where she’d left it, almost calling to her. This time she didn’t hesitate before picking it up and swallowing down what was left in the glass.
Again, her throat was burning, but this time she didn’t care. She picked up the bottle and was just about to refill her glass, when she changed her mind. Instead she took a big swig, right out of the bottle. It wasn’t so bad after all. With a shrug, she went back into the living room, this time taking the bottle with her.
TBC