Instead of making her feel better, like she’d expected, the alcohol had the opposite effect and after yet another hour, Buffy was more depressed than ever. Depressed and drunk. Also, she was starting to get pissed. How dared Spike just ignore her like this, after her pouring her heart out to him? She’d finally told him exactly how she felt, explained everything, and he couldn’t even pick up the phone and call her. Even if he couldn’t forgive her, he could at least have the decency to tell her that to her face.
A part of her knew that he didn’t owe her anything. He’d accepted the letter, that was more then she had the right to ask for. But she’d been naïve enough to think that if she’d just get the chance to explain, everything would be okay. Of course, nothing was ever that simple. For a moment, Buffy considered going back to his place, demanding that he’d talk to her. But luckily, her head was still clear enough for her to realize that it was a bad idea. She groaned with frustration, and took another swig from the bottle.
She jumped at the sound of the phone, not daring to get her hopes up. “Hello?”
“Buffy, hi, it’s me again.”
Buffy sighed. “Hi, Willow. Whasup?” She frowned at her sudden difficulty to speak clearly, and tried again. “What’s. Up?” Then she smiled, pleased with herself.
There was a moment of silence, then she heard Willow’s voice again. “Buffy? Are you okay? You don’t sound too good. Are you…”
“Drunk? YES! We have a wheener! Wi-nner.” Buffy started giggling, madly, and managed to drop the phone on the floor. She picked it up, and brought it back to her ear. “Sorry, dropped the phone. Did it hurt?” That brought her into another fit of laughter, and she had to gasp for air. “Willow?”
“Yeah, I’m still here. Buffy, what’s going on?! It’s the middle of the afternoon, and you’re drunk? This isn’t like you, what happened?”
Buffy stopped laughing, abruptly. Then she choked back a sob. “Willow, I’m so miserable! He hates me, and I just wanna die!”
“What? Who? Never mind, I’m coming over. Hold on, and don’t do anything stupid!”
Before Buffy had the chance to object, Willow was gone. She sighed, suddenly very tired. The bottle was almost empty, and she was starting to feel more than a little bit dizzy. Swallowing the last of the vodka down, she leaned back on the couch, closing her eyes to keep the room from spinning. A wave of nausea came over her, and she let out a pitiful whimper. Never before had she felt so incredibly sorry for herself.
Somewhere, far away, there was the sound of the phone again, but Buffy was too far gone to care. She was beyond tired now, she was exhausted, and all she wanted to do was sleep.
Spike hung up the phone, both relieved and disappointed that Buffy hadn’t picked up. He’d had no idea what to say to her if she had, but he’d called her anyway, wanting to hear her voice again. Maybe it was for the best, he thought. He needed some time to think, before he could decide what to do with the information he’d just received.
‘Think about what?’ an annoying little voice piped up. ‘She loves you... you love her. Just go to her and stop acting like a bloody ponce!’
He shook his head, as if to clear it. No. He couldn’t do that. Not that he didn’t want to, but everything was just too complicated. He wanted nothing more than for things to be okay between them again, but he just didn’t know if that was possible. Too much had happened, things that couldn’t be taken back. Sure, he loved Buffy and probably always would, but he was terrified of getting hurt again.
Of course, he’d have to talk to her again, sooner or later. But he should wait a couple of days, until he’d decided what to say to her. Buffy had said, in the letter, that she didn’t expect anything, that she just wanted him to know how she felt. Could he tell her how he felt? He wasn’t so sure. A part of him wanted, desperately, to at least get their friendship back, if nothing more. He had a feeling that he could talk to her, about everything that had happened, and she’d understand. But was he ready for that? Would he ever be ready for someone to find out the truth?
Buffy woke up with a start, for a moment having no idea where she was, or what had woken her. Then, there was a knock on the door, that clued her in. Struggling to sit up on the couch, vaguely remembering talking to Willow, she finally managed to get up. ‘Uh-oh, bad, bad idea,’ she thought as her feet refused to keep her up, and she almost crashed into the coffee table.
She’d only slept for half an hour, and was still very drunk. The room was spinning so much that she couldn’t even see which way the door was. Thankfully, another knock made it possible for her to locate it, and she started towards the direction of the sound, legs wobbling. Half way there she stopped, suddenly certain that she would throw up. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she managed to hold it down, and started walking again.
Finally reaching the door, she had to fumble for a moment with the handle, before she managed to turn it and get the door to open. Buffy closed her eyes, part to keep the room from spinning, and part for not having to see the worried look on Willow’s face.
“Buffy? Bloody hell, what happened?!”
Buffy’s eyes snapped open, and she found herself staring into a couple of blue eyes. ‘No, no, no, this isn’t happening, not now, he can’t see me like this!’ “Spike? What…what are you…” That’s how far she got, before she gasped, bend over and threw up, just barely missing Spike’s feet.
TBC