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Gradually pushing himself up on his elbows Spike looked up at Buffy and she was appaled to see a foreign emotion that she could only label as vulnerability swimming around in his clouded eyes. She had seen many things in those blue orbs over the years,…defiance, stubbornness, joy, anything and everything but the sheer confusion and loss she found there now.

“W-what do you mean?”

Those same lovely blue eyes were now narrowed in suspicion, and Buffy could not help but notice the prominent bags beneath them.

He looks so tired..

“Buffy.. what. Have. You. Done?”

Spike’s voice was calm but held an edge of fearful questioning that somehow shaved decades from his eyes and years from his face.

It’s amazing how someone can go from looking so old weary to so very young in just one moment.

“B-buffy?

Upon seeing the utter fear and confusion in his eyes Buffy took his face in both hands and desperately thought of something to say.

“Well.. you’re definitely not dead.”

Her attempt at humor fell on deaf and panicked ears, so she simply forged on as if it had never been said.

“Spike, look, we thought that when your demony essence left you that meant you wouldn’t be able to live, but we were wrong. Maybe because of the soul, maybe because it’s just that way, but when the demon went it…well it left the man behind. Do you understand?”

Spike’s eyes widened in shock before he pushed away from Buffy’s gaze and fell back against the headboard, his hand coming up to rest on his chest, eyes growing wider with every heartbeat.

“No…no…no….no….it can’t be.”

Buffy was more than slightly confused by the unhappiness in Spike’s voice, she figured he would be elated to be rid of the creature that made his soul weep on an hourly bases.

“Spike, I don’t understand. Shouldn’t you be happy it’s gone?”

At that Spike’s eyes once again gained focus and turned on Buffy with an expression entirely too close to rage.

“Happy? Happy that I’m weak, powerless. Happy that I’m no longer any use to you? Don’t you see Buffy? The demon may have been awful but it was a part of me and it made me strong, and now all I have is William, poor sniveling William all caught up and useless in my own weak head.”

As he spoke Buffy had noticed a definite softening and refinement of his accent that, accompanied with his now mussed curls, made Spike appear to be almost a different person.

Which I guess is exactly his point… isn’t it?

“And to top it all off, I turned you into the very thing you hate. How can you even look at me? At least before I was useful in the fighting department, but now I am not even that.”

All of the ex-vampires’ energy seemed to rush out of him after his rant and he hung his head in what appeared to be exhaustion and shame. Buffy could only hope it was more the former than the later. It was easy to restore the weary, it was far harder to assist the emotionally drained. Furthermore, they were far past the time when they had hours and hours of the day to deal with personal hysterics.

“Well first of all, we’re not exactly sure what I’ve been turned into. And as I conducted the ritual I hardly think that this is your fault. Second of all, you are not useless. We just are going to have to find a new use for you. Alright? Right now the only way in which you could ever be useless is by doing exactly what you are doing right now, giving up. You can still be apart of all this, but you are going to have to drop the defeatist attitude. I’m not exactly thrilled with the results of this little experiment we conducted but I’m dealing and so should you.”

Spike looked as if he had been slapped.

I am such a bloody idiot. Here I am, sitting her and bitching about gaining back my humanity while the girl in front of me is still mourning hers.

“Buffy, I’m sorry, I was so wrapped up in what happened to me I completely forgot about what you’re dealing with luv. It must be terrible suddenly having such a demanding git inside of you, I of all people should know, after all, he did belong to me for the last hundred years or so.”

At that Buffy smiled, relieved that Spike seemed to be pulling through his little depressed stupor.

“Well let’s figure out just how much he’s taken up shop before we start whining about him moving in.”

With that Buffy stood up and away from the bed, holding out her hand to the blond man below her. Spike stared at it a moment before grasping it firmly and levering himself up. Despite his proclaimed resolve he could not help but notice that everything felt a little bit off. Sounds were deafened, his vision was a tad blurry, and he was forever cut off from the scent and drumming pulse that was the blonde vision before him.

Buffy, meanwhile, was having difficulties of her own. Spike’s hand in hers made his heartbeat all the more pronounced and raised a bloodlust far stronger than anything she had felt when it was solely Giles in the room. It appeared that this new force within her remembered Spike, and planned on remaining as connected with him as possible.

“You’re hungry, aren’t you luv?”

“W-what?”

“I said you’re hungry, you need to feed.”

Angry at his ability to so easily read her failure to control this new part of herself Buffy dropped Spike’s hand and turned towards the doorway, walking full across the room before throwing over her shoulder to the confused man behind her, “get yourself together and meet me in the living room, we have a lot to tell and very little time to tell it.

Spike watched her go with a sense of dread. As little as he liked Buffy seeing him like this, he liked the prospect of the scoobies knowing far less. With a sigh he straightened his clothes, zipped up his pants and desperately tried to control his hair before following the slayer out of the room.

Might as well get this bloody over with then.





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