Chapter 3 – Explanations
Spike stood at the kitchen window waiting for the kettle to boil. He wondered what the hell had happened that would warrant Buffy coming to him, now, after all this time apart. Not that he minded of course, he’d missed her like mad. He had other friends, people he’d spent time with, but there was only one Buffy Summers. The way she laughed at silly things, and the way she made up her own language, like just now in the bathroom. I mean, who says ‘unmixy’?! No one, nobody, but her. That’s why he loved her so much. Sure, she didn’t know that, and he wouldn’t tell her, especially not with her precious Angel in the picture. As much as he hated the git, he wanted her to be happy, even if it meant taking a step back and letting him rule her life. She didn’t seem to mind, and if the only thing she’d had to sacrifice had been Spike, then who was he to say the poofter was no good for her. Except he had, and that was why it was only now, 10 months later, that he was able to see the love of his life again and know that she was ok, and dealing without him, not like he had been without her in his life.
The kettle finished boiling, and he poured the hot water onto the milk, teabags and sugar in each of the 2 mugs in front of him. He figured she could do with a sugar boost, the state she’d been in. His mind started to wander again, thinking of her upstairs in his bathroom, and he over-filled the second cup, sending hot water all over the counter. “Shit…shit, shit, shit!” he said under his breath, before grabbing a washcloth and wiping up the spillage. He turned and hurled the cloth back into the sink, angry suddenly at the thought of why her precious Angel hadn’t looked after her properly and made sure she didn’t get into such a state. He knew just as well as anyone that she couldn’t hold her drink, and yet she seemed to have had way more than a couple of glasses of wine like she usually would. He took a deep breath, trying to rein in is emotions, before turning and picking up the mugs form the counter, and heading down the hall to wait for Buffy to come downstairs. As he passed the stairs, he called up to her “Buffy, love, you ok up there? You haven’t fallen in have you?” and carried on towards the living room.
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Buffy was in the bathroom after Spike left trying to calm herself down, with great difficulty. She was beyond nervous. After he had left to go and make tea, she had taken care of business, and was now trying to pluck up courage to go back downstairs. She laughed at that thought. Spike was so British. Every time she’d go over there when they were growing up, he’d make tea as soon as he got in the door, like it was his cure all answer to everything. She’d missed it. She’d kept some in her and Angel’s apartment, but making it for herself just wasn’t the same, especially when Angel had said ‘Buff, baby, you’re not at Spike’s place, you don’t have to drink that shit any more, you won’t offend anyone!’. At least you could rely on Spike to keep things normal. It was almost like almost a year hadn’t passed.
She thought back to the last time she’d seen him. It’d been Dru and Riley’s wedding day. Angel was keeping tabs on her the whole time, and had been really over attentive. Spike kept trying to get her to dance, but each time Angel got to her just as Spike was walking across the dancefloor. She’d asked Angel what was wrong, why he kept getting in the way of her dancing with her friend. For the last couple of months he’d been trying to stop her seeing him, and she didn’t know why. She had finally gotten away from Angel while he danced with Dru, and she’d gone out to the terrace where she’d seen Spike head out for a cigarette. He hadn’t turned round, but had said ‘Hello Buffy’ . She still wasn’t sure how he’d known she was behind him. He seemed so sad, leant against the railing, gazing out over the beach. They’d talked for half an hour, and ended up onto the usual conversation of Spike telling her how Angel wasn’t good enough for her. He’d always end up saying that, but wouldn’t give her a reason why. She hadn’t understood, but Angel came out to find them arguing, and led her back inside to ‘get her a drink’, smirking at Spike as he did so.
She snapped back to the present when she heard Spike call up the stairs to her. She laughed at his comment, helping to calm her down. She could do this, it’d be hard, sure, but it was still Spike. It’d all be ok, he’d make it better for her. He always did after all. She splashed some water on her face, and looked in the mirror, checking her reflection. He may be her best friend, maybe not so much recently, but that didn’t mean she had to look a mess in front of him now did it! She ran her fingers through her hair, pleased with the little she’d achieved, and headed to the door, ready to face him at last. As she walked down the stairs, she had a feeling that she now knew exactly what it felt to be an animal in a slaughterhouse being led to their death.
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Buffy stepped off the bottom step, and made her way into the living room where Spike stood, by the fireplace. He had his back to her, and she was just about to call his name to get his attention, but he turned around and waved his hand towards the couch. “Take a seat love, don’t need to stand to attention for me” he said with a smirk. He sat down at one end, leaving the other end free for her to sink down into, which she did. She reached out to pick her tea up from the coffee table in front of her, and took a big sip, sighing as she tasted the familiar sweet taste that was like no other. Spike looked at her in amusement as she looked like a cup of tea was the best thing in the world to her at that moment.
She looked up at him, giggling to herself at the look on his face. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked, wondering why he was staring at her with that damn smirk on his face. He always did that when he looked at her, smirked away to himself like he was thinking the naughtiest thoughts! Usually tilted his head to one side too, cocky git! *Wow, the second I get to being around him again, I start thinking British! Cocky git?! I’d never speak like that with Angel*
“Well love, the look on your face just then, like you’d never had anything so good, it was…” Spike trailed off as his girl went from looking like she was the cat that got the cream, to like she was about to dissolve into tears in three seconds flat. “Buffy…Buffy, love, what is it? What happened tonight that brought you here?” He moved to sit in front of her on the coffee table, taking her tiny hands in his after removing the mug and placing it next to him. She wouldn’t look up at him. Couldn’t seem to take her eyes off of their joined hands. Then she spoke, so quietly that he could barely understand what she was saying. “Sweetheart, you’re going to have to speak up a bit, I’m getting a bit deaf in me old age love” he said, trying to lighten the suddenly uncomfortable atmosphere.
She looked up at him, her eyes glassy, full of unshed tears, and said “I saw them, Angel and Dru, in the alley…” just before she broke down, the tears spilling down onto her cheeks. She fell forward into his arms, knowing he’d catch her like he always did, always had when they were growing up. He automatically moved forward to sit next to her on the sofa, bringing her over to nestle into his arms, her head buried into the crook of his neck. She was sobbing uncontrollably now, her hand fisted into his t-shirt, clinging onto him like he was the only one in the world that could help keep her alive, and god help him, he wished it were true. He rubbed her back in circles, and whispered words of comfort into her hair, knowing that it wouldn’t help, but knowing that it would help her realize there was someone still there for her.
She’s been like this when they were young, 17 at the time, in fact. She’d come home from school to find her mum on the sofa, lifeless. They’d lived two doors down from each other, and spent more time in each others than they did in their own. Buffy had come out the front door, screaming for someone to help, just as the Giles’s had been coming home from the grocery store, and Spike had run over, whilst his mother and father, Jenny and Rupert, had gone past them and found the horror that Buffy had walked in on. Buffy had seen Spike and collapsed to her knees on the porch, with him striding up the stairs and catching her before she fell forwards. They’d sat there, him comforting her as best as he could for a long time, whilst the paramedics came to pronounce Joyce as being dead.
Buffy’s sobs had begun to die down, and she was hiccupping, trying desperately to catch her breath. Spike leant back, unable to resist placing a small kiss on her forehead as he did. He smiled down at her as she looked up at him and offered him a watery smile back. She looked at his shirt, wiping her hand across the damp patch she’d made with her tears. “I’m sorry, I’ve ruined your shirt” she said, looking guiltily up at him.
He looked at her, and with a small laugh, said “Don’t worry about it pet, this is just a standard issue black t-shirt, you know me, I’ve got about 50 more in my drawer upstairs!” She laughed at that, before looking sad again. She took a deep breath and looked down at where her hand rested against his heart.
“How could he do that to me? I thought he loved me…all this time, him and Dru. The baby, I heard him, it’s his. God, poor Riley, at least I’ve had a lucky escape. He’s married to her, and he thought that baby was his, he…” Spike had to interrupt her before she hyperventilated, she was talking so fast.
He pulled her into his chest and said “Breath, love!” he tightened his hold on her as she went to move away, and she hit at his chest. She clearly wanted to get off his lap, but he was having none of it. He finally felt her relax, so loosened his hold on her, which was her trick to get away, and in a flash, she was out of his arms and on the other end of the sofa again. “Hey, that’s not fair! You always do that!” but even as he said it, he was laughing, glad that she wasn’t still seemingly broken.
Just as she thought it though, she turned and looked at him, after picking up her tea, and said “Spike, what’s wrong with me? Everyone I ever love leaves me, my dad, mom, now Angel. It must be me.” He looked at her as if she’d suddenly sprouted two heads, and sighed, thinking of how fragile his girl must be feeling, he chose his next words carefully, not wanting to add extra stress on her by telling her his true feelings.
“Buffy, pet, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING wrong with you, Angel was just a stupid prat that couldn’t keep his dick to himself. It’s why I didn’t like seeing you with him. When the two of you were first together, I saw him with someone, he was at the Bronze, I saw them go out the back towards the toilets and I was headed there myself. The two of you had only just started dating, not long after your mum, and I couldn’t bring myself to take away the first thing that brought you happiness. He told me that she was his ex, and that she was leaving town, he’d never see her again, that he wanted you. Buffy, if I’d known he was gonna do it again, I never would’ve kept my mouth shut. But seeing the two of you together, I couldn’t do it. At Dru’s wedding I saw him around the room, flirting, but every time I tried to get you alone to tell you he was there. Then you started to stop returning my calls, and we lost touch. If I could take the last few years back, be able to tell you from the beginning, I would love. Please forgive me?” he had such an anxious look on is face that she could do nothing but take him into her arms, and whisper four words into his ear that made him almost sob with relief.
“I forgive you, Spike”