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many thanks for the reviews. really happy snoopy dance here:)
William tried to get back, but instead of his nights being filled with green eyes and blond hair, he had nightmare after nightmare about the raven- haired harridan that had been one of his mistakes. Spike woke screaming as Dru came towards him for the fifth time with a knife, aimed straight at his manhood.

‘I’ll have you my pretty prince, I’ll have you and eat you.’ She seemed to be everywhere, blood dripping down from her mouth. Spike screamed again, begging for the spectre to leave him alone.

‘No my dark Prince, I’ll never leave you alone, you threw away the sunshine and now you’re all mine to play with. And I’m going to drink your blood!’

William woke up yet again in a cold sweat and screaming.





Buffy didn’t return to the Garden for weeks. She couldn’t: she knew that the pain she was feeling would radiate all round, hurting everyone there. So she stayed within her body and cried, cried all the tears she hadn’t as a child, cried for her lost innocence, cried for what could never be.

Everywhere she looked there were pictures of Spike magazines, posters for the new film, Spike accepting awards, Spike on TV, Spike getting another film deal, and she cried. Alone in the world and cut off from the only beings she called friends she threw herself into her college course and work. At least it meant she came out top in her exams, she thought. This life isn’t ever going to be one of happiness for me, so I’ll make it one of contentment, she thought to herself. So Buffy was content. Content with her job, content with her life and ready to settle down to a lifelong spinsterhood helping others get over the pain of their pasts. And if she couldn’t get through her pain, so be it, it wasn’t to be. Buffy didn’t need friends, she had Mr Gordo, her cat, and that was enough.

When Buffy finally made it back Giles took one look at her and simply wrapped her in his arms. Any thought he had about work was dismissed immediately and he knew he’d have to spend time putting his favourite girl back together again.

‘Oh my dear, I am so very sorry.’

‘It’s OK Giles, it’s my fault. Poor William will be in such a state. I came to ask you to take care of him for me, he still needs help, but I can’t do it. He wouldn’t want me anyway. He thinks I’m a whore, just like everybody else does… Giles, please make the pain stop, please make it stop.’ She started sobbing uncontrollably again, holding onto his arms just to keep from collapsing on the floor.

‘Of course I will find someone to care for him,’ he said gently,’ but first we need to see to you.’

‘No, I just got what I deserve.’

‘No my dear, you didn’t; no-one deserves to be treated like that. Can you tell me what happened?’

‘I asked him to sleep with me, to teach me to love, to help me get past all my demons and he refused, he couldn’t even look at me. I was so stupid as to think that a man like that, so wonderful, so kind and generous would want damaged goods like me. I really was stupid.’

She started hitting her head against the wall. ‘Just stupid, just stupid just stupid’ she said with every hit.

Giles could barely protect her. He put his hand on her head to stop the blows and gently picked her up and carried her bodily to the sofa and sat her down. Buffy didn’t even notice. She started rocking backwards and forwards like a scared child. Hardly able to hear what was being said to her, her mind echoing with Spike’s words.

‘I’m no whore, unlike some,’ his words kept going round and round her mind. ‘I’m no whore, unlike some; I’m no whore, unlike some; I’m no whore, unlike some…’

‘He’d just been being kind and I go and spoil it. I thought he liked me, I thought I was safe, but he’s just like every other male, if you don’t want what they want you’re the freak, the weirdo, the lunatic.’ She just couldn’t keep the tears in any more.

‘I’m not worthy of someone like him. How could I have been so stupid as to think he could fancy me, men like that want someone good and unsullied, they don’t want the likes of me, for God’s sake I’m not even beautiful, and he has the whole of Hollywood to choose from. I am such an idiot.’

She wiped the tears from her eyes. ‘Sorry for blubbering,’ she said. As she rubbed her sleeve across her face

‘It’s not a problem my dear. It’s what I do best. Give a shoulder to young girls crying.’

But Buffy hadn’t heard him, she fallen into an exhausted sleep.

Hours later, when it was time for her to wake up in her own bed, in her own world, Giles gently shook her.

‘I think I have just the case for you, take your mind off what has happened’ he said. ‘A 32 year-old, killed in a drugs related incident. Goes by the name of Jenny, she should respond to a friend.’

Buffy forced a smile. ‘I’ll go and see her tomorrow. I think I just need a day to myself.’

‘Anything you want my dear, anything you want. You take all the time you need.’

You promise you’ll find someone to look after him?
I promise some one will take care of him my dear.

After Buffy had left his office, Giles made his way through the building to one of the sitting rooms.

‘Jenny,’ he called. ‘Look, I know you wanted a rest after getting back from your latest assignment, but one of my very best, no, that’s not fair, my very best counsellor, needs support at the moment, her morale and ego has just been totally destroyed. I’ve volunteered you to help her get over it. I haven’t told her you’re one of us, just that you’ve recently died due to drugs.’

‘Oh Rupert Giles, it’s a good job I know you, of course I’ll help the girl. She must be in dreadful trouble if you’ve come looking for me.’

‘She is, she’s met her soul-mate here, completely by accident. She’s an abuse survivor who finally asked for help learning about physical love and now he has completely rejected her. I’m going to send Nikki in to deal with him, and to help him, but I need your gentleness to work with Buffy.’

William. He had craved alcohol and drugs like never before; luckily his filming schedule hadn’t allowed him to indulge too much. He realised that those like Giles who had promised to help him had been keeping the cravings away; now, with him shut off from the garden, they hit full force. He was sweating in his bed, waking screaming. Xander had taken one look at his friend and moved him into the apartment, Lorne understood. That was why Xander loved him so much, he got it all.
The three of them sharing, both lovers taking it in turns to keep an eye on Spike. Going to him when he awoke screaming in the night.

Xander was getting sick with worry. It had been about three years since he’d seen William this bad, and it was getting worse. Perhaps if he prayed, William might get help. He didn’t know what to say, he’d never been much good at this sort of thing.

‘Excuse me but if there’s anyone listening, please help him again, he’s a good guy really.’

Giles thought that the prayer was sweet, innocent, and heartfelt. And he allowed William to return. He arrived back in the garden after six very long and very hard weeks.

But not to the welcome he would have wished for.


‘Hello: I’m Nikki, your new liaison,’ the beautiful black woman in front of him said. Spike looked around. They were in rooms, offices and It was a formal waiting area.

‘If you’re looking for the cosiness that your other liaison had, forget it. I work by the rules. One hour sessions and that’s it. If you want more, you earn it. Now do you understand, you answer the questions as I ask them.’

Spike nodded slowly.

‘Well lets get started: how do you feel about…?’

William felt overwhelmed. This woman was all business, no softness in her at all. She bombarded him with questions constantly, hardly giving him time to answer one before asking the next, and she kept checking the clock. He felt intimidated by her. There was no softness, no gentle caring about this lady. She was all business, and she was freaking him out: if he tried to just talk she snapped at him to ‘answer the question I asked, not go rambling on.’

‘I’m sorry pet, I don’t think this is going to work. Could I speak to Giles please?’ He asked, almost shaking from his time with her.

‘I’ll see if I can make you an appointment, he’s very busy.’ Nikki snapped at him, ‘and we haven’t covered the reasons you felt it necessary to gain martial arts qualifications.’

‘I really don’t think I can do this today, I’d like to see Giles,’ William asked a little more forcefully managing to keep his temper.

‘Very well then, I will take you to his office and see when he has a free moment to see you. He is a very important man. He doesn’t just stop for everyone’

William got up and followed Nikki down the corridor. She stopped abruptly and he walked into the back of her.

‘He’s there, and just to let you know, I won’t be putting a buffer up between you and your addictions, you can fight them yourself, it takes far too much energy and the rules say its only to be done in exceptional circumstances.’ She added before turning and walking away from him.

William was visibly shaking when he knocked on the study door. Giles had never been anything but unfailingly polite and kind to him, but he had let them all down and he knew it.

‘He’s not there.’ Spike turned to see a man standing behind him dressed in eighteenth century clothes.

‘Pardon?’

‘Rupert Giles, the watcher, he’s not there, he’s over at the hospital. You got an appointment?’

‘Uh no, I was just hoping I could see him.’

‘I’ll show you across, it’s so easy to get lost and I’m going that way myself.’

William held out his hand. ‘William Atherton,’ he said.

‘Liam Angelus, but they call me Angel.’

‘You another of these guides and watchers?’

‘No, I’m a bad man who finally saw the error of his ways, I’ve spent 200 years here trying to help, to make up for my stupidity when I was alive.’

‘Huh?’

‘I was stupid enough to hurt my wife, I ended up killing her, and a load of others. So now I have to help. I’m just lucky I begged for a chance, otherwise I’d be burning down below.’


‘I don’t understand, and I mean I really don’t understand.’ William looked completely confused.

‘I was a drunken idiot who ended up killing his wife in a house fire, her and everyone else. I knocked over a candle and killed the lot of them, so I went off and became a drunk and a bore. When I died I should have burnt in hell, but my wife, Anne, begged for my soul, so I get to work my penance out here. Helping where I can.’ He continued to explain as they approached the low white building that was the hospital.

‘Why did you tell me that? Most people wouldn’t tell that much about themselves straight away.’

‘Part of my punishment, I have to answer all questions fully and truthfully; not easy, I can tell you.’

‘You regret what you did?’

‘Every day, she was beautiful my wife, inside and out, never was a kinder, more loving and giving woman, and I destroyed her. Vows say until death do us part: she kept hers, I never kept mine, every whore in town knew me and it destroyed her faith in herself. Blamed herself for not keeping me from wondering. Now she’s free to find a true love in her present life; I help where I can. Don’t think I’ll ever be lucky enough to have that sort of love again, and that really is a punishment, knowing what I threw away.’

Angel pointed to one corner. ‘You’ll find Giles’ other office in that area, anyone will help you.’
‘Thanks,’ Spike said and made his way in. He could hear laughter coming from one of the rooms, Buffy’s laughter. He couldn’t help himself and made his way to the doorway to look in. There were a group of children, all about 8 or 9 watching a magician doing tricks. Every time he tried a trick the rabbit puppet behind him messed it up. The laughter was jumping from one person to another, Buffy’s the most contagious.

Buffy glanced towards the doorway where he stood. When she saw him her face fell and the laughter died in her eyes. He’d killed it completely. Xander was right, he did have a lot of grovelling to do. Buffy turned her head away from him and Spike’s, no, William’s, heart felt like it was breaking all over again. He moved away from the doorway, to stop causing her pain. It was the least he could do, and he went to find Giles.

Knocking on Giles’ office door it felt like deja-vu. There was no reply but William settled in the chair outside to wait. It was only a few minutes before the man came down the corridor carrying a tray surmounted by a huge teapot and cups and saucers.

‘Ah you’ve found me indulging in my addiction,’ Giles smiled at William. ‘Afternoon tea.’

William opened the door for him and waited on the threshold.

‘Do come in William, I have an extra cup, although being an American I suppose you prefer coffee?’

‘No, tea’s fine, my mum was English and she got me used to it.’

Giles poured from the ornate silver pot and passed a cup over to William, who sat stirring it for a couple of minutes. The silence became more and more acute, William felt more and more uncomfortable.

‘What was it you wanted to talk to me about? Are you satisfied with your counsellor?’

‘She’s not as good as Buffy.’

‘Nikki is perfectly adequate but no, she doesn’t have Buffy’s flair. Elizabeth has had quite a few hard lives at her own request: she wanted to really experience things her clients had gone through, to give her greater understanding of the problems. She is a remarkable soul.’

‘Yes she is,’ William whispered. ‘Effulgent.’

‘A wonderfully old-fashioned word that describes her beautifully, she really does glow with an inner light doesn’t she - at least she did. You hurt her very badly, Mr Atherton, and it has been hard to find forgiveness in my heart. But she has asked that I do forgive you, because she believes completely that you only spoke the truth, and that can never be a sin. She believes that she is unworthy of love, that the things, the awful, cruel and sadistic things that were perpetrated towards her were her fault. She has prayed for forgiveness for her step-father and his friends, and is working towards actually meeting him here and speaking to him again. She sees it as her weakness that she isn’t strong enough to do that yet, so yes, she is a remarkable woman.’

‘And I hurt her.’

‘You hurt her very badly, but being Buffy she is more worried about you and how much she hurt you. That she made you uncomfortable here.’

‘She freaked me out, I just didn’t expect that. Not from her, I know we’d been getting closer, and God knows I wouldn’t have said no to her, but my mouth just ran away from me, I freaked!’

‘Well it’s over and done now. Buffy has requested, and I have granted the request, that she work in the hospital with the teenagers who come up, she has a flair in that area.

‘If you want counselling still and find Nikki a little abrasive for your sensibilities, I can find another counsellor for you. There is a gentleman by the name of Liam Angelus, known as Angel: he tries to be helpful,’ Giles said with a smile, ‘perhaps you would find his methods more to your taste. I will arrange a meeting for you.’

‘I think we’ve already met, he showed me the way here.’

‘Very well, now if you will excuse me I really must be going, I have an appointment with my superiors in a few minutes.’

Spike stood up to leave and turned back to Giles. ‘Do you think she’ll talk to me again?’

‘I’m sure she will. Buffy has a gentle heart, and has always been very forgiving, but she needs time. You said some very destructive things, Mr Atherton, and although I know you didn’t mean it, she took your comment about being a whore to heart and assumes the reason you said no was because she wasn’t good enough for you. She was unaware of what had happened with your most recent paramour and I suggest very strongly that you think about her and not yourself for a couple of months.
Good night, Mr Atherton.’

Giles turned his back as Spike faded back into his own world. Tears streaked down his face as he realised, if only shallowly, just what he’d done to Buffy.

As Spike completely faded, Angel and Nikki came through Giles’ door.

‘Did we do OK boss?’ Asked the woman.

‘Beautifully as always Nikki, you have a wonderful touch, beautifully judged.’

Angel looked at Giles. ‘I’m to counsel him after what he did to…?’

‘Yes, and to do a good job. Buffy deserves to be with her soul mate, but he needs to earn the reward and she needs putting back together again. Angel, you promised that you would be a good and loving friend to that soul after what you did: be grateful you are working here and not elsewhere. Elizabeth Anne is not yours, but you can be friends and believe me, it will be worth it.’





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