Author's Chapter Notes:
many thanks to my faithful reviewers. this chapter mentions some of the dark stuff
Xander looked at his friend as Spike slunk into the bathroom in the morning. He looked like crap, Xander had heard him come in from work about 3am and it was only 9 now so poor Spike hadn’t had much sleep, but his eyes were alive. Brilliant and shining with an inner light. Something that Xander hadn’t seen for far too many months. He poured Spike a cup of coffee and pushed it towards the man as he approached the breakfast bar.

Three months in Chicago had helped, but when Dru and Angel had been caught they’d fought back. And had been shot. Darla had been arrested and taken into custody, where she was found to be pregnant. Spike had fallen to pieces…what if the child was his? He couldn’t get himself together at all. His dreams helped then. Spike would go to sleep crying out, then settle as though someone were calming him. Xander watched as the nights got easier and easier.

A paternity test had proven it to be Angel’s and with Darla looking at life in jail the authorities had arranged to take the child from her and place it for adoption at birth. The letter in Spike’s hand confirmed everything. The nightmare was over. He put it down, relieved and looked up at Xander. His eyes no longer quite as haunted by the things he hand seen and done

‘More dreams?’

‘Yep, and I think they helped.’

‘Thought about keeping a diary? You know, writing down what they’re telling you and everything. Might be useful.’

‘Good idea, I might just do that. Now I’ve got to head out, extra shift at The Sound Machine: we’ve stock coming in this morning.’

Spike headed out of the door. He had a lot to think about. All the girl in his dreams had done was play pool. He thought about what Xander had said. Keeping a diary seemed a really great idea. One he would go with.

Xander pushed him to it. When Spike got up the next morning he found a ring binder on the breakfast bar with a note from Xander. ‘Thought this might help.’

Spike thanked who ever was listening for such a good friend as he started to write:


‘I have never kept a diary before so this is going to be fun. I keep having these weird dreams and Xander said I should write ‘em down, so here goes.

My life is a mess. I really got in with the wrong crowd but thankfully was away when they decided to go completely off the rails, seemed they had gotten hold of this old house and done one of the rooms up like some medieval torture chamber. They had then lured some poor College boy back there with promises of drink and sex. Dru had blown him in the car on the way back and then they spiked his drink. When he woke up he was tied to a table face down and Angel started on him. They raped that poor lad about twenty times over the next few days. He needed surgery to fix the damage. He was made to wear a cock ring and please the girls for hours. They beat him and burnt him all over. Hot irons on his legs, lash on his back. It was sick.

And it had all been meant for me, but I was away, I had gotten this job in Chicago. They had set all this up for me, they’d been programming me to accept what ever they did to me. It was sick, totally sick.

But the good stuff is I keep dreaming of this amazing garden. It looks like something you’d see in an English Movie.

And there’s this girl, I think we’re becoming friends, never thought about having a female friend before, not unless they were butt ugly or old, but she’s neither. She’s beautiful, inside and out.

I beat her at pool last night. She drinks white wine spritzer and says some crazy things. When I was surprised at there being coffee, she said what was it, oh yeh, they had ‘beer, coffee and chocolate, all the staple food groups’.

She and I just sat around and talked about our lives, seems she’s at college, couple of years younger than me, was dating some jock or other and living in the dorms with her best friend.

What can I say about her, she has the most amazing green eyes, they look straight at your soul, bypassing the outside body and looking at what is most important. When she laughs, the room lights up and she shares the laughter with everyone. She’s generous with her time you know, she makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world who matters.

So I gave my side, living in LA with my best mate Xander, working at a bar cum club place and trying to get a jobs in acting. I’ve had a couple of small parts but not hit the big time yet. I also crawl inside a bottle and try to forget about my childhood. Hers was nothing special either, her mum died just before she left for college and her dad loses himself in a bottle for months on end. She has nothing to do with him any more.

Well I guess I’ll add more when I remember it.’


There was a knock at the door and Spike was annoyed. Xander was out and Spike had hoped that he could get a lot of the writing done, but it wasn’t to be. Real life intervened in the shape of Warren, Xander’s boyfriend.

‘I’ve come to see Xander,’ he whined, ‘I’ve got the new Star Wars book: is he in?’

‘No he’s gone to college, there’s a lecture this morning. But you should know that, Warren, he said you’d be there’

‘Must have forgot; you on your own here?’

‘Yes, what do you want?’ Spike tried to control his dislike of the little toad.

Warren took another step forward. ‘Now we’re alone, surely its more a case of what would you like?’ he said, running his hands over William’s chest.

‘None of that, I’m straight and you’re going out with my best friend. I don’t cheat on any one and neither should you.’

‘What Xander doesn’t know about won’t hurt him…’ Warren took another step forward and tried to kiss Spike, but Spike pushed him away and quickly shut the door. Poor Xander, was all Spike could think, he was going to be so upset when he found out.

Spike didn’t have to wait long. Going back into the sitting room Spike saw Xander’s files on the table. His project that he had been working on all month, sitting there when it should have been handed in. He immediately phoned Xander’s cell and told him. All the time Warren was hammering on the door to be let in.

‘What’s the noise?’

‘Unexpected guests, now what do you want me to do about this file mate, you need it today don’t you?’

‘Yes, in about an hour. I’ll come back.’

‘No need, I’ll drop it off for you.’ Spike kept talking as he picked up his jacket and keys, along with Xander’s precious work and headed to the door. He could still hear Warren pounding on the door from the other side.

‘Who is that?’

‘Trust me, you don’t want to know.’

‘Tell me what’s happening Spike or so help me I’ll…’

‘You’ll what, whelp?’

‘I’ll kiss you in front of all your mates at work!’

‘Promises, promises! It’s Warren, seems he doesn’t believe I’m straight and wanted me to practise for a threesome with you.’ Spike waited for the hurt look in Xander’s voice but it never came.

‘Knew he wasn’t the one for me. Little Bastard, not you, him, as soon as my back is turned he’s off chasing my best mate!’ Xander ranted

‘You’re not angry with me?’

‘No, it’s fine, why would I be, you never hit on a guy. I was looking for an excuse to finish with him anyway; looks like I’ve got it, he threatened to tell the lads at work last week.’

‘Is that why you were so quiet?’

‘Yes. I wasn’t worried about him telling, most of ‘em know anyway, it was the fact that he used it, made me feel I don’t know, grubby sort of, I mean since high school I’ve not hid it, but he made me feel it was something to be ashamed of, like my dad did.’

‘None of them are worth that. Xander, if I was gay I would have you, but I’m not, very much not.’ he added with a grin.

Xander laughed. Spike’s way with women was well known: all he had to do was cast those blue eyes on some female and her panties dropped.
Spike continued, ‘you have nothing to be ashamed of and if the little snot doesn’t know that it’s his loss not yours. I’ll be here forever, or until I win the lottery anyway.’

‘When you win the lottery, I’ll take up with women.’

‘Deal,’ Spike agreed and headed for the door. Warren was still beating a tattoo on the other side and Spike was worried about complaints from the neighbours. Spike made sure the phone was still connected. He wanted Xander to have proof of the treachery.

‘Go away Warren, Xander’s not here and I’m not interested.’

‘I wonder how much Xander’s going to still like you when I tell him you made the pass at me,’ threatened the weed.

‘Bastard,’ Spike heard from the other end of the phone.

Spike just burst out laughing.

‘Never happen mate,’ answered Spike as he swept out of the apartment, locking the door behind him and away to drop off the folder to Xander. ‘Never happen,’ as he heard the phone disconnect. It would be beers and pool tonight for Xander, least he could do.





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