I love you
with every breath I take.
I feel you inside
Burning
Acid flowing through my veins
Fire smoldering on every surface.
It can be quenched by no other,
Like poisen but oh, so much sweeter
Hunger for you grows every second.
Sometimes you're so close I can taste you
I can feel you on my lips,
Feel your skin beneath my fingertips.
Your image burned behind closed eyes
Loving you is in my blood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Buffy got a sense of déjà vu as she tried uselessly to listen to her College Algebra professor. Who needed Algebra anyway? Buffy’s thoughts swirled around her date with Spike, and the small kiss they’d shared outside her dorm room. It had been nothing really, just lips brushing before Spike begged off, saying she needed to get her sleep for class the next day. Phone numbers had been exchanged, and that had been it.
He had since called to ask when he could see her next. Buffy had suggested they head to the beach on Saturday before she had to go to work. It was Friday now, and Buffy’s stomach was already doing flip flops.
Buffy was so lost in her thoughts she didn’t even notice when the her professor dismissed the class. When people started leaving Buffy was wrenched from her reverie. Buffy looked around wide eyed as the rest of the class filed out.
“Hey Buffy!”
Buffy looked up from where she was gathering her things and smiled when she saw who it was.
“Hey Wills, what are you up to?”
“Saw you didn’t come out and figured that I would see what you were doing.”
Buffy sighed. “Trying to pay attention.”
Willow frowned. “You’ve been really distracted lately Buff, what’s been up?”
Buffy’s eyebrows drew together. “It’s complicated, and I’m just not ready to talk about it okay?” For some reason, Buffy didn’t want to share with Willow her budding relationship with her ex-guardian. She didn’t think Willow would understand. Because if she told him about her relationship with him, she’d have to tell her about her earlier relationship with him. And she just wasn’t ready to go into that.
Willow nodded, as they walked towards the courtyard for some lunch.
“So Buffy, you want to do something tomorrow?”
Buffy worried her bottom lip with her teeth. “I’ve got plans.”
“Really? With who?” Willow’s eyes brightened. “It’s with that cute bouncer from the club isn’t it? Riley right?”
Buffy inwardly shuddered. Why Willow kept pushing her towards that big hulking piece of meat, Buffy had no idea. He was sweet, but about as interesting as banging your head against a brick wall.
“Oh god no.”
“Aww, Buffy why not? He’s sweet.”
“He’s just not my type okay?”
“Okay, Buff, but I think you should give him a chance. I can tell he really likes you.”
“I’ll think about it,” Buffy said, knowing that she’d do anything but. She had no interest in Riley, and never would. Buffy wanted to tell her to but out of her life, but knew that would just start a whole new set of problems she just didn’t want to deal with right now. Willow had a tendency to try and steer her where she didn’t want to go. Willow was with Oz so its like she felt obligated to make sure that Buffy wasn’t relegated to permanent third wheel status. The problem was, all the guys she’d pushed her towards were decidedly not Spike.
Buffy and Willow found a table at their favorite deli on campus, and sat down.
“So how’s Oz doing? I haven’t seen him around in a while," Buffy said, steering the conversation in a direction that was no herself.
“He’s been super crazy with his band and stuff. Oh and Xander wanted to come up next weekend and hang out.”
Buffy nodded. Xander had opted out of going to college and had instead stayed in Sunnydale and got a job in construction. They hadn’t hung out much during her last year at Sunnydale except during school hours. She hadn’t really kept in touch with him while she was at St. Catherine’s, but they’d reconnected after Buffy had gotten accepted to UCLA.
“That’s fine with me.”
Willow started talking about Oz’s band and where’d they be playing next weekend. Buffy tuned her out, her thoughts on things much… blonder…
* * *
“So are you sure these are legit?” Spike asked, talking into the phone.
Spike nodded as the person on the other end of the line confirmed everything in the folder Spike was currently leafing through.
“Did you start on the case I asked you ‘bout the other day? You said you’d have ‘em today, and that’s when I expected 'em. Good. I expect things to go smoothly then.” Spike hung up the phone and lit a cigarette, smirking as he did so.
Spike relaxed for the first time since Cecily visited him the other day. He had a few things in store for her. The folder contained surveillance pictures from the law firm, taken over two years ago. What he saw had made his blood boil, but there was nothing he could do right now. He had to let Buffy have them, and do what she would.
He’d thought Cecily had just gotten suspicious, but no, she’d been tipped off.
Spike shook his head, and went through his papers. There was still a lot to get finished before he talked to Buffy tomorrow.
* * *
Buffy sat anxiously on her bed, waiting for Spike to get there. She’d thrown on a denim skirt and tank over her bathing suit, and was trying to read one of Faith’s magazines she had laying around, but she couldn’t get her mind to wrap around what she was reading.
Buffy was nervous, but she was also, excited. Happily excited. Her thoughts had been going miles to minutes since their date, and she had finally decided that she was just going to let nature take it’s course. She was scared. More than scared. Terrified is more like it. But she still loved him. She’d done the alone thing. Two whole years of the alone thing, and that was even worse. So what would alone be like if she knew that she’d had a second chance and let him slip through her grasp because she’d run off scared?
Definitely worse than trying.
Buffy nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard the knock at the door. Smiling she jumped up and opened the door.
“Hey,” Buffy said, opening the door for him to enter.
Spike stepped in the door, a somber look on his face, and definitely not in beach attire.
“What’s with the doom and gloom?”
Spike sighed. “I really wished that there was another way to tell you this, but there isn’t. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I wish things hadn’t worked out this way.”
Buffy’s eyes filled with tears. He was breaking up with her? What happened? Was it Cecily had she found out?
“Spike, I don’t understand.”
“Here look at these,” Spike said, pushing a legal folder at her, that Buffy hadn’t seen until then. Buffy opened the folder.
Spike watched the play of emotions go across her face. First surprise, then confusion, then realization.
“These are of Willow, at, at, Cecily’s firm…”
“Yeah, pet.”
“Why would she…” Buffy started to ask, not believing what her mind was trying to tell her. It couldn’t be. Willow wouldn’t do that to her. Not ever. They’d known each other since 7th grade.
“I had a hunch that I followed up on. The firm keeps 24 hour surveillance, and I had someone check back a couple years to around before Cecily must have found out about us. Imagine my surprise when these came to me. I’m sorry pet, but I thought you should know.”
Buffy nodded, her mind completely numb. She sat down on the bed, not knowing if she could keep standing.
“How could she? Why would she?” Buffy asked, dumbfounded.
Spike sat down next to her on the bed. “I’ve no idea pet. Only she can tell you that. Maybe she thought it was for the best. Thought I was taken advantage of you or somethin.’ Although I gotta say we would’ve been found out sooner or later.”
Buffy nodded.
Spike knew this wouldn’t be easy. “Do you want anything?”
“Could you just… give me some time alone?” Buffy asked, a tear rolling down her cheek.
Spike reached out with his thumb and wiped it away. “Okay sweetheart, but if you need me I won’t be too far. Just give me a ring, yeah?”
Buffy nodded, her thoughts already a thousand miles away. She didn’t even notice when Spike got up and let himself out.
How could Willow do this to her? Why would she just go to Cecily without even talking to her about it first? She just assumed that Cecily had gotten suspicious and taken matters into her own hands. But apparently that wasn’t the case. Buffy looked at the photos in her hand again. The evidence was right here, and it all pointed glaringly at Willow.
Buffy let herself cry, let the tears pour down her cheeks. Her best friend had betrayed her. But as she looked at the photos for the third time, she felt herself getting angrier.
How could she?! Why?!
Buffy threw her shoes on, not bothering with fixing her ruined make-up and stormed over to Willow’s dorm, before she gave it a second thought, the photos clutched in her hands.
Buffy sincerely hoped that she was there, because Buffy to angry to let it go now. She’d hunt her down to any public place she was at, and make a scene. When Buffy got to Willow’s dorm room, she banged on the door as hard as she could and didn’t stop banging until Willow opened the door.
“Sheesh, what’s- oh Buffy, I thought you were-”
Before Willow could say anymore, Buffy’s hand lifted up and slapped her across the face, causing Willow’s head to thrust to the side. Willow’s hand moved up to cover her stinging cheek that was rapidly turning red.
“Buffy what was that for?”
“Oh don’t even start with me,” Buffy said, her voice full with undisguised malice. “I can’t believe you were butting into my life even then.”
“What do you mean?” Willow asked, confused.
“I mean this,” Buffy said flinging the pictures at her, causing them to fall all around her to the floor. When she leaned down to pick them up, recognition flit across her face.
“Oh Buffy it was for the best,” Willow said soothingly, trying to calm her down.
“For the best? For the BEST?! Are you that fucking delusional?!”
“Spike was taking advantage of you-”
“He was not taking advantage of me. What we had was very consensual on both sides. So don’t you pull that shit with me. I bet you didn’t even have proof that anything was going on, did you? Because you couldn’t have. You got some fucking nerve you know that? I loved him. Love him. I love him. And you know what? It’s Spike, that’s who I’m seeing today. I’m seeing him, and I will be seeing him and there’s nothing you or anyone can do about it. Don‘t even try and get in my way this time Willow, or I swear to god…” Buffy left the threat hanging.
Willow stared at her dumbfounded. “Buffy I’m so sorry-”
Buffy held her hand up. “Don’t even try and apologize. I’m not ready, and I don’t know when I will be.”
Willow nodded, tears spilling down her cheeks.
Buffy continued glaring at her, not moved in the slightest by her tears. “Don’t come near me. At least for a while. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready.”
Buffy walked away, her anger finally deflating. There was nothing she could do now, the damage had already been done long ago. She couldn’t change the past, and maybe she didn’t want to.
Sure things hadn’t been stellar for her thus far, but she’d gotten out on her own, lived life by herself, and saw how it was. And now that she did, she knew more than ever what she wanted.
Buffy practically ran back to her room and called Spike to come back over.
When he got there, Buffy leaped into his arms and hugged him fiercely, letting her face rest on his chest. His arms reached up and enveloped her, holding her close to him. Buffy inhaled his scent, reveling in it. She’d always loved that about him. It was always the same. Cigarettes, cologne and the faint smell of leather. It was comforting, and welcoming.
Buffy stood back and looked at him. He looked better than he did when she’d seen him again for the first time. He looked like he’d put some weight back on, and his eyes weren’t as bloodshot, or underlined with dark circles.
“Thank you.”
“For what pet?”
“For being there. For going away so I could go slap Willow.”
Spike’s eyebrows shot up. “You slapped her?”
Buffy smirked. “She totally deserved it.”
Spike smiled at her. “That she did pet. That she did.”
“This thing between us…” Buffy started.
Spike looked down at the ground, then glanced back up at her face before looking down at the ground again. “Yeah pet?”
“There’s just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides. We have to learn if we’re even the same people we were. If we can fit in each other’s lives. It’s a long and important process and… Can we just skip it?”
Spike looked up hopeful.
“Can you just be kissing me now?”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
My good mood has totally transferred into this fic (just found out my husband will be coming back from Iraq sooner than expected so yay me!) so I got this chapter out a lot faster than usual. Oh and you guys are awesome, that contributes a lot too. ;) So Happy New Year everyone, and enjoy.