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Buffy’s Letter

Dear Spike,

I’m sorry for everything. I know I’m sorry are basically meaningless words now a days but I figured it was worth a try. Things haven’t really been all that great in the past between us. I think that the last couple of days have probably been some of the best. Thanks again for what you did. You know finding me that night, and staying and convincing me I could do it. Win. If you’re reading this then it probably means I’m not around anymore. But don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. And I know that in time you will be too. I know that I have hurt you. A lot. Maybe more than I’ve ever hurt anyone. And I’m sorry. There are those words again. Maybe still meaningless. Maybe not. It’s weird thinking of you reading this. Knowing that I’m gone. But in a way it’s comforting. I guess I’m just strange like that. I want you to know that I love you. I know that you may not believe it, and I want you to know that I’m not just saying it because now I’m dead and so therefore don’t have to deal with it anymore. But I’m saying it because I mean it. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re the one Spike. And yea I may not have been completely in love with you, but that’s because we didn’t really have a chance to have anything like that. I wish that we could have, but if you’re reading this then I guess we won’t get that chance. So I guess what I’m really trying to say is I hope you never read this letter and I hope that we get our chance.

You’ve been there for me time and time again, even when I really tried to convince myself I didn’t need you. Thank you for being so stubborn and not leaving like everyone else. I want you to know that what I told you, about believing in you, and being with you, I meant all that. These last couple of nights have been really special to me. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I didn’t intend on this letter being this long. But I guess there was more to say then I thought. I would like to keep writing to you all day but I have to go get ready for the battle coming up tomorrow. I hope that you live a good life, and that you find someone who really deserves you. I never did. I never deserved the things that you did for me. I told you once that you were beneath me. But if anything I’m beneath you. You’re a good man, and you deserve the best. I wish it to you now. But before I stop writing I want to say one more thing. I love you and I trust you. I hope before I die I get to hear you tell me you love me one more time. You haven’t really said it directly since you’ve had your soul. I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help it. I’ve always been selfish when it comes to you. Well I guess this is it. I hope that in the 100 years or so that you live you never forget me. I hope I’ll see you again one day.

Love Always,

Buffy

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Spike’s Letter

Dear Buffy,

I am writing this letter to you in the off chance that I don’t make it. I want to lay a few things down. First and most importantly I want you to know that I love you. More than I have ever loved anything. I don’t know how or why but I do know that it’s real. You may or may not believe that. I don’t know. You always hide your feelings well. That’s why this is so hard for me. I want to believe that you mean it when you say that being with me these last few nights have been special and meant something to you. But a big part of me thinks it’s all pity, and that none of this means anything. I guess if I’m right then you might not even be reading this now so I’m gonna take my chances here and hope that you still are.
I know that I have caused you a lot of pain and I’m sorry for that. I know that those words don’t really mean all that much these days but it’s worth a try anyway. What happened last year between us was bad. I know that. I just wanted so badly to hold on to it because it was the only thing you ever gave me. And after what I tried to do, I never meant to. It just hurt so much and I didn’t know how to handle it. I regret that more than almost anything. I got my soul so that maybe it could be different. Maybe you would finally accept me. Plus I wanted to be the kind of man who would never try to hurt the person they care about more than anything. But I guess it’s like I told you once, you always hurt the one you love.
I know you’ll never really love me like I love you. And now I’m ok with that. I mean I’ll never be completely ok with it but I accept it now. I know we’ll never have what you had with Angel. But that’s because I’m not Angel. And I’ll never be. And I know that’s not good enough for you. And it’s not your fault. You can’t help who you love. I should know more than anyone. When I first started falling for you I tried to tell myself that I was just crazy, that thinking about you all the time meant nothing except that I wanted to kill you. I never wanted this either. It just happened. So yea it’s not your fault, but it’s not mine either.
I told Riley once that he was the lucky one out of the two of us. Because even though he never really had you he got to be close to you, unlike me. Now I know I was right. Being with you, even though it might only be real for me, is worth it. I know that I may have been just convenient to you, maybe I still am, but it doesn’t change anything. What you were, are, to me is still the same. And what you are is the most beautiful, and the strongest person I have ever known, and will know. I know in my heart that you are the one for me, even if I’m not the one for you. I wish more than anything that I could change that, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you how much I love you. I want you to know that I’ll never be like the rest of them. I’ll never leave you. Even if I’m dead now I’m still with you. I also want you to know that I would do anything for you. Or would have I guess would be the more appropriate term. You mean the world to me Buffy Summers and you always will. I hope you never forget me. Like you could ever forget a pain in the ass like me anyway but still. I was thinking of the perfect song to leave you with. So that every time you heard it you could think about me and the wonderful person that I was. And my excellent talent in sarcasm. The only thing I could come up with, besides ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’, was a song by Brian Adams. I used to love the song. I would listen to it all the time. It’s called ‘Everything I Do’. Dru always hated it, but of course she was out of her mind. And it really describes how I feel. So next time you have the chance listen to it and remember. I guess this is as good a time as any to say goodbye. I would love to keep writing forever but I got to go find Dawn and give this to her. Tell her that I love her too. Even if she still hates me for what I did. Once again I’m sorry. Meaningless as it might sound. I just hope that before I die I’ll get to hear you say it. That you love me, even if you don’t mean it. So now I’ll say it one last time. I love you Buffy.
Yours Forever,
Spike





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