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banner by dawnofme


The next few weeks passed quickly. Helen and Spike were once again inseparable as they did the tourist trail: The Tower of London, Buckingham Palace, open top bus tours, the works.

The three months were almost up and it was time for the truth to be told. Giles told Spike that he’d sent word to Xander and to Buffy and Dawn to come to London for a while, telling them it was important but not giving any details. They were all due to arrive at the end of the week. Xander was to stay with Willow and Buffy and Dawn with Andrew and Giles as their apartment was bigger.

Spike was very apprehensive about it although he knew it had to be done. It wasn’t just seeing Buffy that was bothering him; the history between the others meant it was bound to be uncomfortable. Xander made it quite clear he’d never liked him, especially after the attempted rape. He’d told Dawn of it, ruining the friendship they’d shared. Willow, of them all, probably would understand the best, how sometimes the dark just took over unless you fought back. She’d succumbed to totally evil black magic after Tara had been murdered but had worked hard with Giles and the Westbury coven and was now firmly back on the side of good.

Spike told Helen he wanted to meet with everyone for the first time on his own. She protested saying she should be there.

“Look, love,” said Spike, “ I know you want to meet them and you will. It’s too long a story to tell now but they thought I’d died over a year ago. I know it was stupid but, apart from Giles and Andrew, I let them think it all this time, just decided they were best off not knowing. Now that I’m settled back here I need to come clean but I’m not sure how they’ll take it. So I’d rather they meet you when they’ve gotten over the shock. Okay?”

“Alright,” agreed Helen reluctantly. Over the last few weeks she’d learnt that there was a lot about Spike’s past he’d never share - she just had to accept it.

ooooooooo

Spike knew that everyone was arriving today. They’d coordinated Xander’s and Buffy’s flights to arrive as close together as possible in order to save making two trips to the airport. Willow, Giles and Andrew were all going to collect them. They were due back at the apartment at midday. He looked at his watch. It was only nine am; he’d have plenty of time to do his usual route for his run, spend some time with Helen and be ready to meet everyone at two as arranged.

“Won’t be long,” he called to Helen as he went out of the door.

He jogged steadily along, careful not to push too hard. He was still vain enough not to want his limp to be any worse than it had to be.

When he got home Helen already had the shower running for him. He took off his sweaty clothes and got under the jet of water, turning it to cold for the last few seconds before getting dried and dressed. He put on his favourite black jeans but took his time to select his shirt, taking several on and off before predictably settling on a black T shirt.

Breakfast was a quiet affair. He knew that Helen was hurt about him not taking her. He pushed his food around, eating little. He was too nervous.

“Shall we go for a walk along the river?” asked Spike.

“If you like,” said Helen in a small voice.

He got up, cleared away the plates and then knelt beside her.

“I’m sorry about today, love, I really am. But I’ve got to do it my way, pet. I will make it up to you, I promise.”

“I know,” said Helen, “It’s just I hate it when you shut me out. I love you and want to be there for you. I know you’re nervous about meeting them again. I don’t know why I can’t be there to support you.”

Spike sighed.

“Because they’ll want to hear how I survived the Hellmouth, how I returned as a human. How can I possibly explain that to you?”

Aloud he said,

“It’s me, it’s just the way I am.” He kissed her gently and stood up, “Some things I just have to do on my own. Come on get your jacket and let’s go for that walk.”

ooooooooooo

Xander was the first to arrive, walking into the arrivals hall looking tanned and healthy. He drew a few sideways glances due to the patch over his left eye, giving him a slightly piratical look as his hair was longer than he used to wear it.

“Xander!” called Willow, rushing towards him. Although e-mails and the odd phone call kept them in touch she hadn’t seen him in well over six months.

“Hey, Will, go easy!” he laughed as the slim red haired witch hugged him tight.

They walked over to where Giles and Andrew were standing.

“Good to see you again,” said Giles, offering his hand.

Xander took it but then pulled him into a hug.

“I think after all we’ve been through a handshake’s a bit formal, don’t you?”

“I’ve taped all the episodes of Dr. Who for you since it started again,” said Andrew.

“That’s great! Seen few clips on the internet but I will look forward to a serious ‘Who’ fest. Are you in?”

“I’m in.” said Andrew grinning from ear to ear. At last there was someone who liked the same TV shows as he did.

“So what is so important, Englishman, that you had me fly thousands of miles to see you rather than just e-mail me?” asked Xander, intrigued that the remains of the ‘Scooby Gang’ were being assembled together.

“All in good time,” said Giles, “Let’s have a cup of tea. Buffy and Dawn should be landing in about half an hour.”

As it was the flight was delayed but soon after it landed Buffy and Dawn came through to meet the others. Both girls looked stunning. Buffy’s hair fell below her shoulders, lightened by the Italian sun. Dawn looked taller than ever - at nearly eighteen she looked very much the young woman, her hair cut into a stylish short bob.

After everyone hugged hello, Giles ushered them to the waiting car, wanting to get them home before Spike’s arrival.

They got back with half an hour to spare. Giles fussed around offering drinks and a few snacks, obviously nervous about something. Andrew had lapsed into silence that was even more disquietening as he usually never stopped yammering.

“Giles, enough,” said Buffy firmly, taking the teapot from him and setting it down with a clatter on the table, “What’s going on? You’re starting to spook me. Is there another apocalypse? I mean it’s been a while since the last one. Why have you got us all here?”

Before Giles could answer a voice from the doorway said,

“Because of me.”

Everyone spun around to look at the speaker. They couldn’t believe their eyes, was it really…………?

Spike walked slowly into the room. His heart was hammering like it was trying to get out of his chest as he looked at Buffy.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said as he got close to her. He looked at her almost shyly.

“Spike?” she whispered, “Is it really you?”

“Good God, Spike!” exclaimed Xander, “What’s going on?”

Willow just stood there astonished.

Dawn was the first to move. She strode over to him and kicked his left leg, hard.

“Bloody hell, Niblet!” howled Spike, “What was that for?”

He walked over to a chair, all of them suddenly aware that he no longer walked with a swagger but with a limp that had nothing to do with Dawn’s kick.

“Oh no!” cried Dawn, “I’m sorry! I was just mad that you aren’t dead!”

Everyone looked at her in horror.

“No, I mean………we thought you were dead…”

Spike and Dawn looked at each other.

“Well, that’s alright then,” said Spike dryly and everyone laughed, easing the tension.

Buffy looked at Spike intently as they settled back down in their seats. She noticed his hair. It was the first time she’d seen its natural colour. It was cropped short, not brushed back like it used to be. There was a scar that ran down his forehead to his left eye, the eyelid affected by it. If anything she thought it accentuated his looks, not detracted from them. It seemed to emphasise the vivid blue of his eyes and the perfection of his cheekbones. She noticed he wouldn’t catch her eye, instead looking down at Giles.

“What? How?” started Xander.

“Shall I?” Giles asked Spike.

Spike nodded, not trusting himself to speak. They were all looking at him in amazement. It made him feel uncomfortable. His hand strayed to his scar then. Self-consciously he pulled it away again. He stood up and walked to the fireplace, trying to disguise his limp as much as possible. The last time these people had seen him he’d been strong, a champion. He kept his back to the room as Giles started to speak.

“We’ll start at the beginning, the Hellmouth.”

Spike glanced over at Buffy. She was watching him and their eyes met. Each remembered the words they’d spoken. Spike turned back around. God, I want her so much. I love her. He thought of Helen sitting at home waiting for his return and felt wretched.

Giles told how Spike had somehow been trapped in the amulet and it had arrived back at Wolfram & Hart in a parcel for Angel.

“But that was less than three weeks afterwards. Why didn’t you say?” blurted Buffy.

“What was I going to say? I was a bloody ghost, couldn’t pick up the phone,” he said.

“But…….”

“Look, love, just let old Rupe tell the story. Plenty of time for questions later.”

He walked over to the other side of the room so he was out of Buffy’s eye line.

They listened with astonishment as Giles regaled the details of the past eighteen months. First he was a ghost, then corporeal again. Taking part in Angel’s fight against Wolfram & Hart, somehow surviving the fury of the demons they unleashed on them.

Spike took over and in a quiet voice told of the others dying and how he thought he’d had it when the Veragos demon came at him with a sword. He touched his scar.

“His handiwork, I reckon.”

“What happened then?” This time Willow spoke, “Where have you been since then? That was nearly seven months ago.”

Spike looked at Giles. He nodded slightly indicating Giles go on.

“He was in a coma in hospital for three months.”

“In a hospital?” said Dawn, “A demon hospital? Do they have such things?”

“Shh, Niblet,” said Spike, “Let him finish.”

“Perhaps now’s the time Spike?” said Rupert with a smile.

“Okay,” said Spike, walking towards the window. The curtains were drawn, keeping out the bright sunlight. Without turning around he continued.

“Well, something happened to me, see, between the cut from the sword, the wall collapsing on me and being found by rescuers. It’s probably easier to show than tell.”

He flung the drapes open and stood there bathed in light. After a few seconds he turned round. Buffy, Dawn, Xander and Willow were all looking at him in disbelief.

“Well, to cut a long story short, I’m human again.”

“Always was an exhibitionist.” grumbled Xander under his breath.

They all started talking at once, the questions bombarding Spike, all of them staring at him.

“Like I’m a freak,” thought Spike, “Well, I guess I am at that.”

Dawn came up to him and took hold of his hand.

“Wow, it’s warm!” she announced.

The others crowded around him until he could stand it no more. He shrugged off Dawn’s hand, pushed his way through them and half walked half ran out of the room. Andrew went to follow him.

“No, leave him be, Andrew, give him a bit of space. He’s been worrying about this meeting for weeks. I had intended to break the news to you before he arrived but with the flight being delayed I didn’t get the chance,” said Giles, “He’s been through an awful lot since the Hellmouth and he’s still only properly adjusting to being human.”

He told the gang of Spike’s coma, the spell on the psyche ward drugged out of his mind, the chance meeting with the two nurses since they would never have contacted hospitals to find a vampire, how badly injured he was and how hard he’d had to work to get his leg as good as it now is. He also told of the vampire attack he’d endured and how it prompted his return to England.

Whilst all this was being told Buffy quietly slipped out of the room and went to look for Spike. She found him in the dining room, staring out of the window. He tensed slightly as he heard her come in but didn’t turn around.

“Spike?” she said softly, “Are you okay?”

He still didn’t turn around, just gave a small nod of his head. She walked over to him. Even without his enhanced vampire senses he could smell her perfume as she got closer. So familiar. He closed his eyes at the memories it evoked. He felt her tentatively touch his arm.

“Spike, look at me please.. Why didn’t you tell us you’d survived the Hellmouth? We mourned for you, Spike, I mourned for you.

He turned and looked at her face, overwhelmed by the depths of his feelings for her, this woman he hadn’t seen in a year and a half. Vampires could love without a soul. After he had returned he was able to love on a different level, but being human he could feel his love for her with every beat of his heart.

He reached out and stroked her hair with his right hand before letting it fall back to his side.

“What would I say? Oh hi, it’s Spike. I’m back - I’m not dead after all? By the time I was corporeal again I figured it best to just leave things alone.”

“God, Spike, you’ve been through so much.” She reached out to touch the scar on his forehead.

He pulled back as if her touch was searingly hot and looked away.

“No, don’t,” she said, walking in front of him. She guessed accurately that he didn’t like her to see the scar, let alone feel it. He’d always been a bit vain. She again reached up and touched it. This time he let her, eyes downcast, afraid he’d see pity in her eyes where he wanted to see love.

“I saw you, you know, when I was here a couple of months ago. Only I didn’t know it really was you, I just thought my eyes were playing tricks. I saw you as I got to the door of the Council you were walking away. For a moment I felt it was you but then the hair, the limp and the daylight! How could it have been you?”

He visibly flinched as she said the word limp. She mentally kicked herself for being so insensitive.

“But it was you after all. God, I wish I’d arrived a few seconds earlier then we would have met. Spike I l…….” she stopped in mid sentence as a pretty brunette rushed into the room.

“Spike, are you alright? You’ve been so long I was worried about you.”

Spike guiltily backed away from Buffy.

“Helen, I’m okay. What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t wait at home any longer. I had to come.” She turned to Buffy, “Hi, my name’s Helen, and you are?”

After a brief pause Buffy replied.

“Buffy, Buffy Summers. I’m an old….er……friend of Spike’s.” She glanced over at him as she said it, unable to read his expression.

“Pleased to meet you, Buffy,” said Helen a little coolly, as she realised she’d interrupted something, “I’m Spike’s girlfriend. Come on, let’s join the others.” She took Spike’s hand proprietorially, her message to Buffy clear. Back off.

Spike didn’t look at Buffy as he went with Helen back into the lounge. Buffy stayed a moment longer, tears prickling her eyes, before she pulled herself together and joined the others.

By now Giles had answered pretty well all the questions the others asked, explaining about the Shanshu Prophecy.

Xander looked up as Spike walked back into the room, a girl on his arm.

Spike introduced her to the others as his girlfriend Helen, telling how she’d been his nurse when he was in the coma.

Helen, proud of being introduced as such was soon telling everyone how she’d been working on him in the ER and how they’d almost given up when his heart gave its first beat.

Buffy stifled a gasp as she realised Helen had been there the moment he’d returned to human form. She’d only been there with him moments before he died. No wonder he hadn’t wanted to get in touch. Who wanted to be reminded of his own death?

Willow was watching her friend, knowing how upset she must be - delighted that Spike’s alive, especially now as a human, but devastated at the appearance of the girlfriend.

After another hour or so, Spike stood up.

“Come on, Helen, I think it’s time we went home.”

Helen was about to protest, as she was enjoying meeting the others and had hoped to glean information about Spike’s past, until she saw the look on his face. It was his no compromise look. Fortunately it didn’t appear often but when it did there was only one thing she could do.

“Okay, well, it was lovely meeting you all. No doubt we’ll see you tomorrow,” and the pair left the room and went home.

oooooooooo

After Helen and Spike had left, Buffy turned angrily to Giles.

“How could you let us think he was dead?” she shouted, “Christ, we held a wake for him and that was after he was back in LA!”

“Er…..technically he was still dead then as he was a ghost,” interrupted Andrew. He quailed at her angry glare but continued, “We didn’t know he was alive anyway until I went to get Dana.” He carried on bravely, talking of the deranged slayer he’d recovered from Angel and co., but not before she’d savagely attacked Spike.

“Shut up!” yelled Buffy, stalking about the room. “You never wanted us to be together,” she said, turning to face Giles. “You wanted him dead! You…….”

Xander leapt up from where he was sitting and took hold of Buffy.

“Buff, that’s enough!” he said, giving her a bit of a shake. It was no use being gentle when a slayer had her blood up. “Giles has looked after him for the past few months so how can you say he wants him dead now?”

Buffy collapsed into his arms weeping.

“I’m sorry,” she said between sobs, “It’s just I’ve missed him so much.”

Xander held her until her crying subsided then he took her to sit on the sofa, still holding her close.

Giles looked at Buffy sadly. He knew she’d take it hard but after so long he’d hoped it wouldn’t be as bad as this.

“He didn’t want you to know Buffy. He wanted you to live a normal life.”

“Normal? Huh! As if a slayer can ever have a normal life.”

Dawn looked at her sister. She knew Buffy had gotten close to Spike after he’d gotten his soul but she never guessed that her feelings were so deep. No wonder her relationships were always doomed. Any ‘normal’ guy didn’t last two minutes and as for the Immortal, well, that had been a very worrying time. He’d tried to take over Buffy’s life completely. Thankfully she’d come to her senses and had left him but the split had been acrimonious. It was not a great idea to piss off an evil immortal being to the extent Buffy had.

“Let’s have some tea,” said Giles in his typically English way, “It’s been a trying day.”

“I’ll make it,” said Andrew, getting up.

“Now Dawn, what are your plans? Are you going to university?” asked Giles.

“I’ve decided on a gap year before I go.” Dawn replied.

“Yes,” added Buffy, “we decided after all that’s happened she deserved to freewheel a bit.”

The conversation settled down to less emotional subjects. Willow watched her friend closely, knowing she was hiding her true feelings from everyone. Only Willow knew how deeply Buffy loved Spike.

oooooooooooo

Once Spike and Helen arrived home, Spike tried to act normally but from the looks he was getting from Helen he wasn’t doing a very good job.

“I think it’s time you told me some of your past, Spike. No, I mean it,” she said firmly as he opened his mouth to speak.

“Giles said Buffy was your sister but you sure as hell didn’t look like brother and sister when I came in. Then she said she was an old friend. What’s going on?”

Spike sighed and slumped down on the sofa.

“It’s complicated, pet.”

“I’ve got all night,” retorted Helen, standing in front of him, hands on hips.

He moved to take her hand, but she wouldn’t let him. She stepped away from his reach, finally sitting on one of the chairs round the dining table.

“I’m waiting.”

He’d never seen her like this. This was why he’d dreaded meeting up with the others, knowing the questions it threw up.

“Okay, Helen. I’ll tell you but first I need a drink. ” He got up and poured himself a Jack Daniels, a large one.

He sat back down on the sofa knowing Helen didn’t want him close just yet.

“Well, to start with, I’m not related to any of them - not Giles, not Andrew and not Buffy. I’ve known them for years. I worked with them, and when the last job ended we split up. I went to LA to help a friend out there and the others went to different countries. I kept in vague contact with Giles and Andrew but none of the others.”

“You said they thought you were dead, why?” interrupted Helen.

“Look, love, let me tell you first, then you can ask your questions,” he continued, “Anyway, that’s why Andrew and Giles came looking for me. They knew without being a relation they’d’ve never gotten me out of there, especially the state I was in mentally. So they came up with their story. They included Buffy in the mix ‘cause of what I’d said on the ward.”

“The rape,” whispered Helen, unable to keep quiet. “Tell me it wasn’t you.”

He looked away, unable to meet the hurt look in her eyes.

“Oh my God!” Helen stood up. “You did do it!”

She didn’t know what to think. Spike had always been so gentle, so considerate, so thoughtful. How could he possibly do that?

“No Helen, please,” said Spike, looking into her eyes, “I didn’t…….I mean I tried…….but…….I never…….”

Helen turned to walk away.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” she cried.

He jumped up and took hold of her arm.

“Get off me!” she demanded furiously, “Don’t touch me!”

He let go of her arm and stood there ashamed.

“I wasn’t myself then, love,” he said to her rigid back, “I was a de….er…..I’ve changed. I’m not the same person, I was………ill.”

“So, not only did you try to rape her but you did it, what, because you were mentally ill? That makes a lot of difference, Spike, not!”

“Helen, look at me,” Spike pleaded, hating the pain he was causing and knowing she’d never cope with the whole ‘honey I was a vampire’ thing.

“I know it was a terrible thing to do. I really do. I went away for a while and I did manage to make things better between Buffy and me. We were very close, then, the way our last job together ended, I was listed as missing so I just kept it that way. I guess I was being a coward but reckoned she’d be better off without me. She is, she’s in a relationship, has been since not long after I left. I did the right thing by her in the end.

“When you came in, what you saw wasn’t anything. She was just amazed to see me there. She was sorry I’d been hurt so badly.”

He remembered her mentioning his limp, and knew she was giving him the last thing he wanted, pity. She understood what it must be like to lose the power of being a vampire, of being able to heal wounds that wouldn’t in a human, since she had similar powers as a slayer.

“Helen, you’ve been my rock since I got out of the coma. I wouldn’t have made it without you.”

She finally turned to face him, tears flowing down her cheeks.

“Do you love me?” she asked.

“What?”

“I love you. Do you love me? It’s a simple question, Spike.”

He just looked at her unable to say the word.

“Fine,” said Helen, “That silence is a better answer than anything you could say.” She sat down head in hands, body wracked with sobs.

Spike walked over to her, dismayed at the pain he’d caused.

“Pet, it’s not that I don’t have feelings for you, I do. I just don’t know if I’m capable of love,” he said, crossing his fingers at the lie. He knew he loved Buffy. “I’m afraid of it, I guess. I haven’t exactly set the world on fire in the relationship stakes.”

He sat down next to her and put his arm around her. This time she didn’t recoil from him.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? she asked.

“I’m just asking you not to give up on me yet. I’m trying, Helen, I really am but,” he hesitated, “I can’t give you any promises. It all seems so hard since I was hum….er……hurt. Maybe getting back to work will help. I just feel so bloody useless. Maybe I think I don’t really deserve you.”

“You don’t, Spike,” replied Helen, “You really don’t.”

She looked up at him, his face etched with guilt at upsetting her. She kissed him.

“But I’m hooked. I can’t leave you because I do love you.”

“Oh, Helen.” said Spike, hugging her close and kissing her, before scooping her up in his arms and carrying her to the bedroom……..

oooooooooooo

Spike didn’t go over to see the others the next day, pleading illness, something he’d never been able to say as a vampire. The truth was he was still trying to mend bridges with Helen, trying to convince her, and himself, that they should stay together. Although they’d made love with enthusiasm last night, he knew she was feeling insecure about him.

“I’ve just got to concentrate on Helen and work and forget Buffy. It can never be. Helen’s here, she loves me. Buffy never will. It has to stop,” he said to himself.

tbc





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