At the Council offices Giles was buried in his usual pile of books. Xander, Dawn and Andrew had gone sightseeing, which left Willow and Buffy free to talk candidly.
“Are you okay?” asked Willow, knowing her friend wasn’t.
“God, Willow, what a mess I make of my life. I can do the Slayer thing no prob, it’s just everything else I get wrong. I just can’t believe it, Spike’s alive, really alive, human alive! I mean, whenever I fantasised about him, I’d wish he’d be with me but I never even dared think that he may be with me as a human.”
“When I got went to him in the dining room, he looked so forlorn - there was none of that ‘bad boy’ attitude he usually exuded. Even after his soul, he was always larger than life. I did wonder if that’s what I liked about him, you know, the image he had, not the person he was. But the moment I stepped into the room I knew I loved him - the person, his soul, whatever. It doesn’t matter to me that he’s just a regular guy now; doesn’t matter that he’s lost his strength and has that limp.”
“I just thought that finally, after all this time and all he’s endured, we could be together. Then Helen walks in. They’ve been together all his human life, Will! She felt the first beat of his heart. I’ve missed my chance. If he’d believed me in the Hellmouth he would’ve contacted me, instead he avoided me. I hurt him so badly. I thought I’d made it right but he died thinking I’d lied about loving him and he woke up to find someone there ready to give him that love.”
“There’s no easy answer to any of this, Buffy, “ said Willow “but it may not last. I saw how he looked at you. I’m sure he still has feelings for you.”
“Yes, but don’t you see? I can’t tell him I love him now, not when he’s with Helen. It just wouldn’t be right. You can see she adores him. I couldn’t be the cause of a split. He seems happy with her. Perhaps they’re the ones who’ll get to live a normal life.”
With that Buffy got up.
“I think I’ll go for a walk, Will, clear my head a bit.” She saw Willow looking at her with concern, “I’ll be okay. Up till two days ago I thought he was dead. I had to deal with that, so now I’ll deal with this.”
“Do you want me to come with?” asked Willow.
“Thanks, but I just want to be alone.” She walked out of the room, grabbed her jacket and made her way down the street. She walked along briskly, not thinking about where she was heading.
Oooooooooo
Willow decided she’d go to see Spike and Helen. She knew Spike was avoiding them but she wanted to see if she could find out whether it was just because he couldn’t cope with them all or whether it was just Buffy he couldn’t bear to see.
She walked along to their flat following the directions Giles gave her. As she got closer she hoped she was doing the right thing. With a deep breath she knocked on the door.
Helen opened it. Willow could see she’d been crying, her eyes were still puffy and a bit bloodshot.
“Hi, Helen, “said Willow brightly, “Just thought I’d pop over to see you both. Thought you might not want to have us all yammering at you at once like last night. Er….can I come in?” she added as Helen just stood there holding the door.
“Oh, sorry, of course - come in.” Helen stepped back to let her pass, “Spike’s out for his run at the moment. He’ll be back soon though. Can I get you something to drink?”
“A coffee would be nice. The garden’s beautiful, Helen,” said Willow, hoping to break the ice. It worked – Helen’s face lit up.
“That’s all Spike’s work,” she said with pride, “He just loves being out there tending the plants.”
“Mm, relishing being able to be out in the day as much as tending the plants,” thought Willow. Aloud she said, “How are you enjoying England? I love it over here. I’m not too far away, either. You must come over for dinner sometime.”
“I’d like that,” replied Helen, “I haven’t had the chance to make friends here yet. I’m thinking about getting a job soon. I don’t fancy being here all day doing nothing when Spike starts work again. So what can you tell me about Spike? He never says much about himself.”
“That’s typical Spike.” Willow replied, “He’s never been much of a sharer. I’m sure he’ll tell you in his own time, Helen. It’s not my place to say. We went through a lot together and it’s left its mark on all of us, in one way or another. I still can’t believe he’s alive. Tell me again about what happened the night he was brought into the hospital.”
As Helen happily regaled the story of resuscitating Spike Willow thought of Buffy, hoping her friend would be okay. She’d been right - Helen clearly adored Spike. She hoped he wouldn’t be long as she wanted to see what vibe he gave off.
Ooooooooooooo
Buffy was walking along the street, hands in her pockets and lost in her thoughts, when she noticed a figure running. His pace was marred by a limp, making it look ungainly.
Spike! Her heart lurched. She stepped back into a doorway as he got nearer, not wanting to be spotted. She thought of the times he’d chased down demons with her - how fast, fluid and athletic he’d been. He was running fast as he passed her, head down, concentrating on making his left leg work as well as it could. She could see the effort it was taking. His breath came in ragged gasps. He looked as if he was running from demons, he was pushing himself so hard. She watched until he went out of sight round a corner, fighting tears as she thought of the life they could have shared now that he was human. Sadly she continued her walk, heading back to Giles’ place.
Ooooooooooooo
About five minutes from home Spike stopped running, cursing himself for going so fast. His leg was aching badly, with limp pronounced, as he walked along. He knew he’d knacker his leg but in a way he welcomed the pain he felt. It gave him something other than Buffy to think about. Least once she and Dawn had returned to Rome it would be easier. He didn’t know if he could bear seeing her again, although he knew he’d have to as a farewell dinner was planned, Giles having splashed out and booked them for a top restaurant. Spike smiled to himself. A good job Giles didn’t have to account for his expenses! He suspected that Council funds would be footing the bill.
By the time he got home he was exhausted, his leg hurting so much he hoped he hadn’t caused permanent damage by his antics. He opened the door and walked into the hallway.
“I’m back, Helen, just off for a shower.” He popped his head into the lounge as he went past the door. He saw Willow and Helen sitting, chatting away.
“Oh, hi, Willow,” said Spike. He looked at Helen’s face and knew from her expression that Willow hadn’t spilled any secrets. He breathed a sigh of relief and walked into the room, limping badly.
“Spike!” exclaimed Helen, “Your leg………..”
“It’s fine.” He cut her off, hating as always for people to comment on it - even Helen, who’d seen him at his worst post-accident.
“Just pushed myself a bit too much today,” he added, as he realised how curt he’d been, “Better get cleaned up. I wasn’t expecting company.” He glanced at Willow as he spoke, then turned and left to hit the shower.
As he left the room Willow concentrated on tuning in to him psychically,
being very careful not to let him feel her intrusion to his thoughts. She wasn’t surprised at what she found - they were full of Buffy - but even as she read them she could sense him trying to suppress them and concentrate on Helen. He was acknowledging to himself that Buffy would never be his as she was with another, and that she’d never love him now-just pity what he’d become. Such a one sided affair would always be doomed. She sensed he was worried that’s what would happen with him and Helen, as he knew he would never love her to the same depth he loved Buffy or that Helen loved him.
Willow quickly terminated the search when she read this, afraid he’d feel her astonishment. He thought Buffy was in a relationship but she wasn’t. He’d thought he’d seen pity when it was love! She turned her attention back to what Helen was saying, feeling sorry for her as no matter what happened between Buffy and Spike she couldn’t see Spike continuing it forever. Surely he’d hope to find love, or would he settle for the security Helen offered?”
Spike came back into the room, freshly showered and changed, his short hair still damp.
“I’ve been admiring the garden. Helen tells me it’s your baby, will you show it to me?” asked Willow, wanting to get Spike alone for a moment.
“Sure,” said Spike, grimacing a little at the pain in his leg as he stepped out through the doors.
After pointing out a few plants he’d added, Willow interrupted Spike’s horticultural talk.
“I could see if I could do something about it, you know.”
“What? The rose? But it’s doing okay,” replied Spike.
“No, dummy. That.” She pointed to his left leg.
He stiffened at her words, shifting his weight so he was no longer favouring it.
“No, thanks,” he said quietly.
“But why, Spike? It’s obvious it hurts you. I could try to take the pain away at least.”
“Willow, no,” he said, looking away. “I’ve had enough mo-jo, spells, chips and such done to me. I’m damned if I’m going to let another be done. I’m okay, really. ” He looked back at her, “I just overdid it.”
“Because of Buffy?” asked Willow.
He glanced back to the flat but Helen was out of sight indoors.
“Stop it, Red. It’s over, well, it kind of never was. There’s Helen to think about and no way can I compare to the Immortal.”
Before Willow could answer Helen came out with some lemonade for them, effectively putting an end to the conversation.
Willow’s mind reeled. Spike thought Buffy was with the Immortal but she hadn’t been for months. The pair of them would just have to open up to each other, at least let each other know for sure what they feel. She felt bad about Helen but couldn’t see how a relationship could work when one person was in love and the other wasn’t. She knew she couldn’t interfere but it was going to be hard to watch them both trying to deal.
She left shortly afterwards anxious to see what Buffy was doing.
Ooooooooooo
Willow found Buffy in the lounge with Giles, Dawn, Xander and Andrew. Dawn was recounting the tales of their sightseeing, and the atmosphere was happy and relaxed. She joined the group, glad that everyone was enjoying their evening. A little probe into Buffy’s thoughts told her that her friend was successfully, for the moment anyway, suppressing any thoughts of Spike. She was giving the people in the room her full attention. The conversation continued throughout dinner. It was after midnight when Willow and Xander left for her flat.
They walked along, enjoying each other’s company. They’d been so close in the past but had been continents apart for months now.
“So nice to have us Scoobies back together again,” said Willow.
“Yes, it’s very much of the good this meeting up with everyone. I can’t get over the re-emergence of Spike. I mean, that guy’s been dead more ways and now he’s back again but human. Must be weird for him having no powers. When he had the chip in his head he was still super strong, just couldn’t hurt humans,” said Xander, talking of the pain chip the Initiative, a secret government organisation, put in Spike’s brain to prevent him from attacking humans.
“Anya hated losing her powers when she was human,” Xander continued, his voice breaking a little as he said his ex-girlfriend’s name. It’d been so long since he’d spoken of her. Her death in the Hellmouth left a hole in his life he doubted would ever be filled again.
“I know how it feels. When I went to the evil place with the magics, all that power was intoxicating and very hard to give up. Scary, too, being back to plain old Willow.”
“Not so plain, Will. You did that amazing mo-jo to make all potentials slayers. Don’t think old tenth grade Willow could do that.” He laughed.
tbc
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