Buffy was lying on her bed fully clothed and awake staring at her ceiling. She had paced her room for about a half hour trying to work out everything that was going on. It started to make her dizzy and she figured she could think just as well if she wasn’t mobile.
Faith had told her once that since she’s been in the swing of things with being not evil, when things start to go crazy and she’s confused she just goes over what she knows in her head. Buffy thought that was as good an idea as any so she went over everything she knew.
She knew she was angry for not knowing that he was alive. She knew she was upset for the same reason. She knew when he touched her all of her feelings of his loss had disappeared for a moment.
Okay so it was now time to pinpoint why. After thinking about it for a while it finally dawned on her. She felt hurt and angry because it was only now that her loss of him was removed. It somehow made her feel like she lost him in a different way. She felt robbed of her ability to just be elated that he was alive. If he had told her when he came back, or even when he was corporeal then she could have been happy. She could have run to him, given him a hug and a kiss and told him how happy she was that he didn’t have to die, or at least stay dead.
Now all of those feelings were still there but they were tainted. Tainted with the fact that he hadn’t given her that. Tainted with longing that she had felt every day since he was gone. Most importantly tainted because if he had told her, she wouldn’t have had to long for him for so long. She could have curled up in his arms and felt the comfort and warmth she had in their last nights together.
Realizing where her feelings came from was making her feel better. Less confused at least, but she didn’t know how to address the issue. She had been racking her brain for all the reasons she could imagine that he didn’t tell her he was back. Every scenario she had come up with didn’t make her feel any better. All of them in fact made her feel like he couldn’t have really known her…or thought much of her.
All of these thoughts combined finally made the feelings real to her. She felt her heart break. Finally she cried. She hadn’t cried once since she found out, out of happiness or despair, but she was ready now to let it out. She curled up on side and let out all of her pain and anger as silently as possible hoping she would finally be able to rest.
Meanwhile Spike was in his room miserable. He could feel the hurt and anger from both Summer’s women in the house calling out to him. He wanted to talk to them, to try to explain himself but he didn’t know if he could. He also didn’t know if he should. Seeing them again, whether they were happy or not, was the best he had felt in a long time. A part of him wished they would feel the same way, but he remembered that they didn’t know they could all this time. He had, he just kept himself away.
He lied down on his bed staring at the ceiling trying to work it all out and decide what he should do. He was drawn to talking to them but he couldn’t decide if that was what was best or if that’s simply what he wanted to do for his sake.
He stayed put deciding he wouldn’t do anything rash until he knew it was the best option. He resolved himself to going over everything again, hoping against hope that this time it would give him insight.
Buffy had only stopped crying for a couple of minutes when she heard a light tapping on the door. At first she thought it might be Spike and she wasn’t sure if she was happy he had come to talk to her or if she thought it wasn’t time. It then dawned on her that if it were Spike she would be able to feel it was him. Feeling safe it wasn’t, she told whomever it was to come in as she sat up on her bed and wiped dried tears from her face.
Her door opened slowly to reveal a sheepish Conner. “Can I come in?” He asked her quietly.
“Of course, come, sit.” She told him kindly gesturing for him to sit on the chair by her desk while she moved to sit on the end of her bed. “How are you doing?” She asked him sympathetically, “How was hangin’ with the father type.”
Conner looked surprised at the question but answered, “Oh it was fine, a little awkward, but that’s how it is with the fam’ right? He’s in the spare room that Spike isn’t in probably sleeping, he seemed tired.” Conner’s nonchalance in answer mixed with the surprise at her question made Buffy wonder if that was what he was there to talk about.
“What’s going on Conner?”
“I just wanted to…tell you something. Can I do that?”
“Of course Conner, you can tell me anything.” Buffy reassured him.
“It’s about Spike.”
“Oh…” Buffy wanted to ask him not to but what she just told him mixed with an admittedly peaked curiosity, she decided to let him. “I guess that’s fine.”
“You know that I spent some time with him when I was helping Angel with the whole, fighting Wolfram and Hart end of the world thing right?” He asked hoping she knew.
“I figured it out once I realized that he had been working with Angel.” Buffy couldn’t help but let a little bitterness out in her voice. It bugged her that Conner hadn’t told her but she had to remind herself that his loyalties weren’t just with her.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but he asked me not to, and since there hasn’t been a lot of talk of him since I got here, I really didn’t realize how much you’d want to know.” He was very earnest in his confession.
“It’s okay Conner, all’s forgiven. What did you want to tell me?”
“Okay. Well I wanted to tell you that he never talked about you.”
Buffy’s heart fell instantly. “Is there a reason you wanted to tell me that?”
“I’m going with the story here, let me finish before you respond.” Buffy nodded her approval hoping this would get a lot better. Conner then continued, “Like I said, he never talked about you. Angel did sometimes. He told me about you, he gave a brief overview of your relationship and he always looked so pained talking about it. The only time I heard of Spike having anything to do with you is when Angel mentioned it and when your name was thrown around if they got into a fight. Suffice to say that I started to wonder if Spike really loved you or if he said he did just to piss Angel off.”
Buffy was looking more pained by the minute and Conner quickly continued. “That was of course until the night he did mention you. He and I had decided to have a drink after a fight. One turned into a few and I started talking about this girl that I had been dating. We broke up because we were going to different schools and we thought it would be too hard. He listened and was reassuring for a time. I missed her a lot. The drunker I got the more I complained and the quieter Spike got. It was when I said something like ‘I wish we could be together but we just can’t’ that he got angry and hit the table. He yelled that I was a ‘bloody moron’ and to ‘shut the fuck up’.” Buffy was now listening intently and Conner was glad he had gotten her attention.
“I asked him what his problem was. I’ll never forget what he said to me. He said, ‘you have no idea what you’re talking about. The only thing separating you two is distance, and distance for only so long. You can visit her, you can see her, you can be with her in between and when it’s all over. You can love her without anyone saying you shouldn’t and she can love you back. You can love each other without anything stopping you and you can grow old together. You have everything so please shut the hell up.’ I knew right then and there how wrong I was. A part of me wondered and still does if he even loved you more than Angel. That part doesn’t really matter just that he loved you and missed you. When I asked if he meant you and him just to be certain he said yes and to never bring it up again. Then he told me to go out and get my girl because I could.”
Buffy had no idea what to do with this information, all she knew was that it made her feel a thousand times better to have it. A happy tear escaped her eyes as Conner got up to leave.
“I just thought you should know.”
As his hand was on the door Buffy told him, “Thank you…for telling me. I’m glad you did.”
Conner looked at her now, “You’re welcome.”
“What happened with the girl?” Buffy wanted to know.
“She had fallen in love with someone else. It was kind of a harsh blow but at the same time, I knew when Spike said that…I never loved anyone that much before. I think I will though.” Conner thought to himself out loud.
“I’m sure you will.” Buffy reassured him as he left.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay so I knew I thought Buffy would be mad about Spike but even I was confused as to entirely why. I also figured I would be too so I was thinking about it and it hit me. So I put it in here. Sidebar, my supplemental story is out so I hope you all give it a perusal. Some people have read it but no one has told me their thoughts so let me know! Thanks so much to all of my readers, I couldn't do this without you.