Conner had been gone for about fifteen minutes and Buffy hadn’t moved an inch. She felt a lot better knowing that Spike had missed her but she was even more confused as to why he hadn’t come to her. She understood everything that had been in their way and always would be but she thought he would have at least wanted to see her before he resigned himself to the doomed nature of their relationship.
She began to hope that Spike would come to her. That he would come talk to her they way he would have before. She sat for ten more minutes before she decided to just do it herself. First she thought she would go talk to Dawn. She hadn’t been sure what to say to her before, but feeling marginally better about the situation now she decided she could talk to her now and not fail miserably.
Dawn’s room was across the hall from Buffy’s so she left her room and knocked lightly on the door. “Dawn, are you in there?”
“Buffy? Yeah, come in.” She heard her sister say. She slowly entered her room. Dawn was looking through some pictures on her bed. She looked like she had been crying before but had stopped a little while ago.
“What are you looking at?” Buffy asked.
“Pictures from our last days in Sunnydale. They’re the only ones we have.”
“Yeah.” Buffy said the memories flashing back to her. Buffy went over and sat beside Dawn on her bed and saw the picture she was currently looking at. It was of herself, Dawn and Spike. Buffy had her arm around Spike’s waist and he had his around her shoulder. They were both laughing. Dawn however was laughing the most. She was doubled over and Spike was holding her up by her middle.
Buffy didn’t say anything waiting for Dawn to comment. After a minute a single tear was running down Dawn’s cheek as she told Buffy, “We were like…like a family. It felt nice.”
“It really did.” Buffy told her staring into space.
The next picture was of the three of them again but they were on the bus going to the school for the final battle. Buffy and Spike were sitting in a seat together and Dawn was sprawled across them looking grumpy and tired. Buffy and Spike looked amused.
Dawn was silently crying now. She looked at Buffy and asked, “Was it all just a lie?”
Buffy couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Dawn look so broken. She couldn’t remember her looking so much like a child in years. The only thing that came to mind was when their father had left. This of course made sense to her. Spike had been like a brother to Dawn and Buffy had known it. They had a strained relationship in that last year but worked it all out in the end. Both had been so happy and Buffy felt the family that Dawn did. She knew it couldn’t have been a lie.
“No sweetie,” She told her running her hand through her long brown hair, “It wasn’t a lie. It was just…”
“Not good enough.” Dawn filled in, completely devastated.
Buffy was sterner now. “No, Dawn, no. It wasn’t that at all. It’s just complicated.”
“You’re telling me you’re not thinking the same thing?”
“I was I think. But some things have…made me wonder. I think you should talk to Spike.”
Dawn got angry again. “No. You talk to him if it’s so important but I don’t have a thing to say to him.”
“I am going to talk to him. I really think you should too.” With this Buffy got up to leave. Dawn didn’t protest though she looked angry.
“Look Dawn –“ Buffy started turning around.
“No.” She told her older sister, “And don’t come crawling to me when he breaks your heart.”
“It’s already broken. The only way to go is up. Or the same. Dawn…please just think about it. You love him, you deserve an explanation. We both know you want one.”
“I’m good where I am thanks.” Dawn’s resolve was breaking but Buffy knew that it wouldn’t break completely now so she left it that way to go talk to Spike herself.
Buffy noticed her stomach doing flip-flops as she walked toward the guest room that was Spikes. She stood outside the door for some time with her hand poised to knock. Finally she tapped lightly on door.
Spike had been pacing for some time now. He finally decided to go talk to Buffy. He had to tell her how he felt and what had happened. He wasn’t entirely certain as to what had happened, why he didn’t at least tell her but he thought he could figure it out if he just talked to her. If she would just let him.
He was reaching for the doorknob when he heard a very light tapping on the door. He froze for a second and then went to open the door. He was rather surprised to see a nervous Buffy standing in the hallway. He figured something was up because she had definitely not wanted to talk to him before.
“Buffy? What’s going on? Is something wrong?” He looked at her concerned wondering what could have happened. Had the evil finally showed up?
“No.” She told him timidly, “Nothing’s wrong.” She paused and realized that wasn’t true. She walked into his room past him and turned around when she created a safe distance. “Actually that was a lie. Something is very wrong.”
Spike was still holding the door open and decided to close it. He wasn’t sure what to say so he asked, “What’s very wrong.”
“You!” Buffy yelled exasperated.
“Me?” Spike was confused.
“Yes you! You, Mr. I’m not going to tell Buffy I’m alive. Mr. I think it would be so awesome just to have her and Dawn miss me for as long as possible before I have to tell them I’m alive because ANGEL told me to.”
Spike took a step toward her trying to calm her down but she just stepped back so he stopped.
“How could you do that? How could you think we wouldn’t want to know? How could you disregard our feelings so much? And here I am thinking you don’t care and Conner’s all, ‘I think he might care more than Angel’ but Dawn is all heartbroken and everything’s a mess. And it’s YOUR FAULT!”
Buffy stopped out of breath, desperately trying to keep her tears at bay. Spike wasn’t sure about everything she had said but he knew he had to say something.
“You’re right. It’s my fault, pet. I just…don’t know what to say.” He ran his hand through his hair nervously. He was sure he could explain himself a minute ago but now that she was standing here he had no idea what he was thinking. How could he explain something he didn’t fully understand?
As if she had read his mind she told him, “Explain yourself. That’s what you’re supposed to say.”
“I don’t know!” It came out more frustrated than he wanted and Buffy looked at him surprised and hurt. He quickly explained taking a desperate step toward her. “No Buffy, no. I’m sorry; it’s not you I’m upset with. It’s me. I don’t know…”
Buffy calmed slightly and didn’t back away so he decided to continue. She waited figuring it was best to just wait for him to get it out. “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I wanted to like everyday. I almost went to find you almost everyday. The first chance I got…like you say the first excuse, I hopped on a plane, with Angel of all people, to go see you. I’ve learned now that it wasn’t even you…”
Buffy smiled slightly, “Yeah Angel had his Wolfram and Hart spies following the wrong Buffy. She was just a decoy. Dating a guy named ‘The Immortal’? That’s not even a name.” Buffy scrunched up her face at the thought.
Spike smiled fully relieved since he found out it hadn’t been her. Buffy stopped smiling now realizing he still hadn’t explained himself. She looked at him expectantly.
He continued, realizing the moment was gone, “Anyway. I just thought…well at first I was going to see you, had my ticket and everything but I stopped. I thought it was because it wouldn’t be the same if I just showed up after going out that way. That it wouldn’t mean the same thing.”
Buffy looked at him incredulously. How could he think so little of her? “Are you kidding me?! I went out the same way once. When I came back did you think it didn’t mean anything anymore?”
“No Buffy, I –“
“Then why would think I would think that? Do you really think that little of me?” Buffy’s anger mixed with hurt cut him.
“No, not at all. That’s why I said ‘that’s why I thought I didn’t go’. The real reason…well the real reason was a lot of things. Most of them not noble at all.” He told her honestly.
“What were they then?” She asked him crossing her arms.
“Fear. Fear that you wouldn’t want me. Fear that you…didn’t mean, you know, what you said.” He looked into her eyes. She had many reactions to this but she wasn’t going to give anything away until he finished. At the blank look on her face he pressed on. “I was also afraid that maybe you were trying at a normal life and I would get in the way of that. I also…damn Angel because I never wanted to be like him but…I also knew that even if my dreams had come true and you would welcome me back with a hug and a kiss and a date and all of what I wanted, it could never…” He trailed off knowing that she got it.
Buffy understood all of this but still didn’t let him off the hook, “That still isn’t a reason to not tell me. Tell us.” She said referring to Dawn and pointing in the direction of her room. “We deserved to know that you were at least alive. We wouldn’t have had to…miss you. At least in that way.”
Spike was surprised by her honesty and took two quick steps to stand in front of her before she knew enough to move away. He took each of her hands in his hands and looked her in the eyes. “I really missed you too, Buffy. Every day, every second of everyday. Sometimes I wondered how I even still got up in the morning…or the evening.” He finished with a laugh, and she laughed lightly with him.
She stopped laughing after a few seconds and looked at his face again. “You should have said it back.” She told him, heartbreak evident in her voice. It took him a second to realize she meant when she had told him she loved him in the hellmouth.
He decided to ask her what he wanted to know, his voice lined with both fear and hope, “Does that mean you meant it?”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I've been nominated at the Rogue Poet Award!! I'm so happy and thanks to whoever did it! This story is my baby and my supplemental story is my new born and I'm so happy people are responding. Here is the next installment. It will get more exciting soon, but I wanted to get some of the angst out of the way and/or set up for the rest of the story.