For a moment, all Spike could do was stare at her, his body still as he tried to process what he’d just heard. She couldn’t have said…
He looked up, found her eyes in the darkness, and knew that she had.
Spike jumped up from the bed, moving away from her, his hands in front of him. “Buffy, no. No. You…you don’t want this. I don’t want this.”
Buffy looked at him, hurt clear in her expression. “You…you don’t want me like that?”
“No, but not for why you’re thinking,” Spike replied, shaking his head as he spoke. “It…” He paused, trying to find the words to talk her out of this. She didn’t know what she was asking for… “Turning isn’t like how you think.”
“I don’t care,” Buffy said, taking a step towards him. “I don’t care what it’s like, I don’t care what you have to do to me, or what it makes me become. I just want you to do it.”
“Buffy, listen to me. You’re not thinking clearly,” Spike argued. “What happened with Riley… You’re upset.”
“I am upset, but it’s not…it’s not just Riley. If it was just Riley, I…I think maybe I could learn to understand,” Buffy tried to explain, wanting him to know why this was what she had to do. “I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I’m sure he wasn’t passive in the whole thing. The way he’s been acting recently…those burns on you… You could give me a reason, an excuse, and I would believe you.”
Buffy stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath to help her through the rest of what she had to say. “But it wasn’t just Riley, was it, Spike? The…the police said tonight that Riley’s wounds matched ones they’ve been finding on dead girls in the area. You did that, too, didn’t you? You…you kill when you feed.”
“I never said I didn’t. You may have assumed I didn’t, but I never said it. It’s…it’s what I am, Buffy,” Spike argued, though he knew he’d known all along what she’d chosen to believe and had done nothing to correct her before.
“I know. I understand that now.” She moved closer to him, joining him in the moonlight. Though Spike could see tears shining in her eyes, her face was calm, almost stoic. As if she had resigned herself to a fate. “That’s why I need you to do this.”
Spike took hold of her arms, touching her for the first time since she’d made her terrible request of him. “Buffy, listen to me. I turn you, and you’re no longer you. Not like you are now anyway. Your soul will be gone and there will be a demon in its place. The way you feel, the way you see things – it’s all going to change. You’re going to change.”
“I know,” Buffy replied, though she swallowed hard. “I…I want to change.”
Spike gave her a heartbreaking smile and ran his knuckles softly over her cheek. “But I don’t want you to change, luv.”
Buffy reached up and took his hand, bringing it away from her face but keeping it wrapped in hers. “I have to, Spike. I can’t go back to who I was before I met you, and…” She stopped, the tears that had been forming coming in earnest now. “I can’t stay with you like I am. I…I tried to pretend that you weren’t what you are, but I’ve seen it now. It’s too real now, and I can’t… I can’t be with you and be who I am now. I can only be with you if I’m like you. If you don’t do this, you’re going to lose me, Spike.”
“I’ll lose you if I do,” Spike replied, pulling his hand from hers. “You’ll be different. You won’t want me anymore. You won’t care about me anymore.”
“Yes, I will,” Buffy insisted. “I know I will, Spike.”
“No, you don’t know that. You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t know how it changes you – what it turns you into.”
“But you can still love, right?” Buffy asked. “You…you love me, so…so you can still love.”
He looked down, though Buffy saw the signs of a painful memory flickering in his eyes. “Sometimes.”
Buffy moved close to him again, taking one hand back in hers and placing her other hand against his cheek. “I’ll still love you, William. I know I will.”
He turned sharply at her declaration, searching her face. “You…you love me?”
Buffy nodded, stroking his face with her thumb, the gentle touch reinforcing her words. The realization had surprised her, but she knew it was true all the same. Even after learning the truth about what he was, her heart still ached with a need to be with him. “I do. I know…I know it’s fast, and it’s crazy, but…but I know I love you, too. I wouldn’t be standing here asking you for this if I didn’t love you – if I didn’t think you were worth taking a chance on forever. But I also realized today that we can’t go on like this. I’m not a part of your world, and you’re not a part of mine. And…and since you can’t step back into the light with me, then the only choice I have is to go into the dark with you.”
“I don’t want to do this to you, Buffy,” he said, though she could hear in his voice that he was giving in – or maybe giving up.
“I know. But we don’t have a choice anymore.”
“It’s really the only way I can keep you?” Spike asked, his voice small.
She knew what this was doing to him, could see how deeply what she was asking of him hurt him, but… “Can you think of another?” Buffy asked softly.
For a long moment, Spike was still and silent before he finally shook his head. “No.”
Buffy pushed her hair back, exposing her neck, already marred by his fangs, to the pale moonlight. “Then do it. Please, Spike. I need you to.”
Spike pulled her into his arms and lowered his mouth to her neck. He lingered there, his lips against his old marks before he let out a choked sob. “I can’t. I’m sorry, Buffy… I can’t. I can’t.”
Buffy ran her hand up his back and into his hair, gently holding him there at her neck. “It’s okay, William. It’s okay. I promise you, it’s all going to be okay.”
He shook his head against her skin, his body feeling nearly limp against hers. Buffy stroked the back of his hair, cooing softly against him. Eventually, he stood up straight and met her eyes again, deciding to try a final time to talk her out of this. “You don’t know what my world is like, Buffy. You…you don’t know how to live in it.”
“Then you’ll show me.”
He shook his head again, wanting to deny the entire moment. “You…you’re so warm, Buffy. You’ll lose that. You’ll be dead.” He looked down at the ground, away from her eyes. “You’ll be dead like me.”
Buffy reached out and touched his face, guiding him to look at her again. “You’re not dead when you’re with me, Spike. We…we won’t be dead as long as we’re together.”
He trembled against her hand. “Buffy…”
“Will…will you still love me like that?” she asked softly.
“Yes. I… Nothing could make me stop loving you. Nothing.”
“Then we’ll have each other.” She stepped closer to him and pressed her lips against his ear. “You’ll never be alone again.”
He shook against her and let out a soft, strangled cry. Buffy turned his face towards her and kissed him, pleading this time without words for him to let them take the only chance they had left anymore. When she felt his body loosen, his resistance slip away, she led him over to the bed, pulling him down with her on the mattress so his body lay over hers.
Spike pressed his face against her neck, breathing in her scent. He’d known from the moment she’d asked him to turn her that he was going to do it, even if he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to lose her, but the offer she was making – the chance to truly have her forever – was too tempting for him to pass up.
But the fear…the fear was still strong. He’d seen first hand how turnings could go wrong, and while his heart held onto the hope that when she opened her eyes for the first time as a vampire, they’d hold the same spark of love he saw in them now, he couldn’t find it in him to truly believe that would be the case. However, he also knew she was right when she said they couldn’t go back and they couldn’t continue on like nothing had changed. Not now that she knew everything.
Buffy wasn’t part of his world, and he certainly couldn’t live in hers. He’d proven that today. Their only chance was for him to bring her into his.
He wished he could make love to her now, to ease the pain and fear that came with turning. He wanted to sink inside of her and feel her warmth one last time, to listen to her rapid heartbeat and feel her pulsing all around him. He wanted to savor it all, to imprint it on his memory for when he woke without her heat. But he couldn’t, his body frozen with the horror of what he had to do and the fear of whom she would be when it was over.
Instead, he slid his hand up her skirt, his heart breaking as he remembered the last time he’d done this, only that afternoon. It seemed like a lifetime ago now, and he wished he could take it all back, have the afternoon to do over again so he could keep her just as she had been then. But it was too late now, and he shut his eyes tight, focusing on the task at hand instead of the aching in his chest.
He pumped two fingers inside of her as he rubbed her clit with his thumb, knowing just what to do to bring her rapidly towards orgasm despite her own mental distress. She clutched his forearm, tiny, choked gasps coming from her as she spiraled towards release. Spike wanted to detach himself from the moment, and he tried to perform the actions mechanically, thinking only about what was necessary to turn someone and not the person he was turning.
He heard her breath hitch, felt her clench tightly around his fingers, and he dove at her neck, biting hard and pulling deep. She screamed in a mix of pleasure and pain, and Spike tried to block it out as he drank until she hovered on the brink of death.
Yet when he pulled up, all detachment ceased. Buffy was staring at him with glassy, almost-lifeless eyes, her normally golden skin pale. He sobbed, shaking his head in denial of what he was seeing, of what he had done.
She tried to raise her hand towards him, but she was too weak, and it quickly fell back to the mattress. He stared at her, frozen, his entire body rebelling against finishing this. It was too late to go back now, but if he took the last step, would that only make things worse in the long run?
Then, she met his eyes, and though so much of the light was gone from then, they were still hers. Her mouth curved in a soft, small smile before she whispered one word.
William…
His whole body shuddered as he lifted his wrist to his mouth, his fangs slicing his own skin before he brought it to her lips. They parted, his blood running between them as she drank. Then, a sigh rattled through her body and her eyes closed.
The room grew silent, the comforting sound of her heartbeat coming to a stop.
Spike gathered her into his arms and wept.
That chapter took a lot out of me to write, so feedback would really be appreciated.