~~~~~~~From the previous chapter
Afterwards, he was proud at how he managed to maneuver her in his lap so that she was cradled against him, and on limp legs, carried her back to the blanket to lay down on it with her. Good thing he had the presence of mind earlier to pack away the rest of the picnic stuff so he could wrap the free end of the blanket around them both, pulling her as close as possible, spooning her before they fell fast asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The morning, and a fisherman who was thankfully discreet enough to turn on his heel and leave the moment he spotted them, found the two lovers still cuddling so close to each other it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began.
Buffy was the first to wake up and, after indulging in some stretching that pushed the blanket from her body allowing the sun to bathe her skin in its smooth caress, turned to kiss Spike awake. They were in no rush as they stroked the sleep away and made love once more, unabashedly glorifying in the most intimate expression of their love.
Neither let the thought of how summer was almost at its end take away from their happiness. Though it couldn’t be helped that Buffy’s parents would be home in three weeks or that Spike would have to go home a few days after that, the previous night had driven their insecurities aside. They’d manage to go through the motions and hide their relationship while Spike would be living with Xander and his family, and they would manage to stay together despite the ocean and then some that would be between them. After all, it wasn’t the distance between bodies that mattered but between their hearts, and their hearts were so entwined they beat as one.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Spike had overcome his fear that Buffy would forget about him before he made his way back to her, having realized at last that he was imprinted in her soul as she was in his. Her eyes were always betraying what she felt and all he could see in them was unconditional love; the kind fairytales were made of. On her part, Buffy, going against her mistrusting nature, had decided to, for once, leave her heart open to the possibility of hurt and wait for her man, trusting him to always be hers. As if following a silent agreement, neither mentioned the sand trickling away in the hourglass measuring their time left together as the days went by and they only became more enamored. Instead of letting despair overtake them, they focused on living each day to its fullest, creating memories to keep them warm in the year they knew they would have to spend apart. This wasn’t lost on Xander and Willow who, sensing their need to have us much time together as possible, kept finding excuses to leave the pair alone.
That is, until the day Xander decided to interfere.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Xander’s intentions were good, they really were, but if he had paid any heed to his uncle Rupert’s warnings every time he had shrugged off responsibility for his actions as a youngster with an ‘I didn’t mean for that to happen’ he would have known the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Willows parents were back that morning and she was spending the day with them, which left her boyfriend at his cousin’s house. Alone with Buffy, that is, because it was Spike’s turn to go grocery shopping; something Xander made sure happened early in the day. That being the last day before the Summers returned from Europe, he knew the blond would hurry back to his girl and that meant he had to take advantage of what precious little time he had with her to see if she was as intent on being true to Spike as he was where she was concerned.
“So, Buffster, how are you dealing with the whole ‘not-being-able-to-be-with-Spike-anymore’ thing?” Yeah, he knew he never was one for subtle intros, but even he winced at how he sprang the question on her as she was vacuuming the living room.
“What do you mean, Xan? Why won’t we be together?”
She seemed genuinely perplexed and he was relieved, but still wanted to be sure. “I mean with our parents coming back and him moving in with us you won’t be able to make much with the smoochies and stuff… and then with him in England that’ll be even harder.” He made a silly grimace that always signified Xander realizing he’d said something stupid and amended “I meant impossible, cuz with you here, and him there you’d have to have mile-long lips to achieve any smoochies and-”
“Xander, is there a point somewhere here?” She switched the vacuum cleaner off with a huff and crossed her arms, looking at him expectantly. She really wanted to finish tidying up the house by the time Spike returned and the boy was costing her precious time.
“No-I mean yes. Yes there is. Have you thought about what you’ll do then? After he leaves?”
“You do know that’s between me and Spike, right?”
For some reason that sounded ominous to his ears, like they had decided to break up after all, and he knew it wasn’t what Spike wanted so it had to be all Buffy’s doing. Going over his options briefly, he decided to go for some reverse psychology to make her change her mind – Willow always seemed to get that right when she wanted him to do something for her. *It can’t be that difficult to be on the giving end, for a change!*
“Sooo, you’ll let him loose then, right? I don’t blame you, how could you spend a year of your life without sex, even meaningless, only to wait for the man of your dreams? I doubt you’d manage to be faithful to him, anyway.” *That’s it, man, throw her a challenge!* He was feeling positively giddy at how well he was handling this and tried to sound casual, as if he really did see the wisdom in her choice.
“Xander…”
He dismissed the warning tone of her voice. *I will not give up on the two of them, even if she does want me to butt out*. “I mean, I think you did well deciding to break things off with him. Yup. And it’s definitely in his best interest, too. I mean, what self-respecting male would prefer true love to a series of one-night stands, huh?” So he knew sarcasm wasn’t any more of a strong suit for him than subtlety, but hopefully he was making his point; Buffy would surely realize Spike needed nothing more than he needed her. “Let him live the crazy life that every teen deserves, going out and getting drunk, flirting with silly cheerleaders that only care about their popularity… do they have cheerleaders in the Mother Country?”
Buffy’s face fell and Xander wanted to cheer at his own ingenuity! Making her jealous of what Spike would be up to if she let go of him would force her to realize what a mistake it’d be to break things off. He really itched to pat his own back. “Unless of course that’s not what he wants to do. He may be one of those weird folk that want to get old with the love of his life.”
Buffy’s eyes were brimming with tears, and he just knew her resolution was wavering, so he dealt what he thought would be the killing stroke – as in the stroke that would kill her decision to not wait for Spike. “Then again, how can any man be sure when he’s found true love?” If he knew his cousin, which he was sure he did, she would not have anyone doubt Spike’s love for her. She would chew his head off for daring to imply Spike didn’t really love her and then go make with the crazy bunny sex as soon as her man was home, promising to wait for him for as long as it would take.
He couldn’t help the feeling that he’d left some factor out of his Dr. Love equation when Buffy looked him in the eyes, tears freely flowing down her cheeks and in a shaky voice said “Thank you, Xander, I know what I should do now.”
She refused to elaborate on that and proceeded to clean the rest of the room, ignoring his presence entirely and then went upstairs.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Whistling the tune of ‘Sedated’, Spike dropped the grocery bags on the kitchen counter and ran up the stairs to his love. He was glad his cousin wasn’t anywhere to be seen because he couldn’t wait to be inside his girl again. They hadn’t made love that morning because Xander was way too vocal whining about the lack of breakfast and had planted his ass on the foot of their bed not to be moved until Spike had given up and gone to the market.
He was pulling at the hem of his shirt before he even opened the bedroom door, desperate to make up for the omission of morning love-making while there was still time.
He froze just a couple of steps inside the room, the vision before him inspiring him to write poetry. Buffy sat on the window sill, one leg folded beneath her, the other dangling, her arms wrapped around her waist and her back mostly turned to him as she faced the road outside. The sun outlining her form made her glow like an angel. He actually scanned the room briefly for pen and paper before deciding writing something for her would make him look like a ponce.
Buffy heard him approach and held her breath while trying to muster the strength and courage to go through with her plan. Xander was right, she had to cut him loose, let him spread his wings. She never for a second believed he didn’t love her enough to come back for her, she just didn’t want to be the reason he gave up everything else for.
He slid behind her, wrapping his arms over hers and resting his chin on her shoulder. “What are you lookin’ at, luv?”
“Someone’s moving in.” She said, not turning towards him as he nuzzled her cheek.
Turning to look at what held her attention, Spike saw the moving truck across the street, but he had other matters on his mind, so he took a step back trying to pull her with him. When she didn’t budge he was sure the movers outside made her think of how he’d be leaving soon, and he would not have sad thoughts mar the last day they could openly spend together.
“I was thinkin’ we’d have a quick lunch and spend the rest of the day in bed, luv. Any requests?”
“No.” *Have to do this fast, a clean cut.*
“Nothin’?” His leer was lost on her as she still wasn’t looking at him. “So I can do as I please?”
“No. I meant no spending the day in bed. I just changed the sheets.”
“Oh, you wan’ to go out, then? I’m up for that. We could go back to that lake-”
“No, Spike. Not spending the day in bed, not going to the lake. There’s no use dragging this out.” She bit her lip to choke down the sob that threatened to spill forth and tried to keep her tone level.
“Draggin’ this out? What do you mean?
“Us, Spike, let’s not make this into a dramatic ‘goodbye’. We both knew this had an expiry date.”
“’This’…” he repeated. “You mean us.” It didn’t sound like a question but he still strived to understand what she was saying. He could see the back of her head and knew she was nodding.
“So this is you tellin’ me…”
“It’s over.” Buffy could practically hear her heart shattering as she spoke.
He could hear the strain in her voice, and knew there was more to it than what his refusal to believe her might make up. “No. It's not over. It can’t be over. I love you, and I know you love me, Buffy… Where is this comin’ from? Are you having cold feet? Afraid I might hurt you? Not come back?” He reached for her but she shied away from his touch, shaking her head. He couldn’t appreciate the beauty of her golden tresses shining in the sun; he was too preoccupied by the iron fist he felt squeezing the breath out of his lungs.
“No, I’m not afraid of you hurting me. I just can’t do this freak-show anymore.” She had to scare him away, had to make him hate her so that he left before her resolve crumbled and she begged him to just hold her and never let go.
“Freak-show?” He chuckled at the absurdity of the notion after the number of times she had melted in his arms telling him she loved him, *she can’t mean that. She can’t*, but then his anger hit full force. “Bloody hell, will you at least have the decency to look at me while you’re rippin’ my heart out?” He wanted to grab her and shake her until she told him the truth about what made her act like this. “Or are the new neighbors too interestin’ for you to tear your eyes away from ’em? Hopin’ they’ll have a seventeen year old son you can shag after I’m gone? Or do you want him to be sixteen? Am I too old for you now? Maybe sixteen year olds are how you get your rocks off.” He felt dirty saying those words but he wanted to get some reaction out of her, something to show him what was wrong, because his Buffy would never not love him.
“Maybe freak-show was a strong word, but it can’t go on.” Her voice was flat now, sounding resigned. “This is wrong. You have to go home and move on, Spike. Live your life and let me live mine. You’re too young to be tied down by something you don’t even know will work out.”
“I don’ want to live my life without you, Buffy. Don’ think I know how to anymore. I lo-”
Her words cutting him off were like a slap to his face.
“I'm using you.” Tears were running down her face, *I thought I was all cried out this afternoon* and she was grateful the blazing sun wouldn’t let him see her reflection in the window.
He could do nothing but stare at her back, burning holes through her thin top as he watched her breath hitch and her shoulders slump. This was the woman of his dreams, the love of his life, the one who loved him back and swore to never hurt him. This was her piercing his heart with a wooden stake as she stomped on his feelings.
“I can't love you. I'm just... being weak, and selfish-” A sob wracked her body. “-and it's killing me.”
He couldn’t hear any more of that. He had to leave the room while his legs still held him. His mouth felt dry and he wanted to beat himself up for wanting to console her, for wanting to tell her that it was alright, that he didn’t mind she was killing him, as long as she would stop crying.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Her whispered ‘I'm sorry... William’ was almost drowned out by the slamming of the door as he left the room.
Buffy crumbled in a heap on the floor the moment the door was shut, curling her body tight as if wanting to disappear. She had to fight for her breath as wave after wave of panic hit her at the thought of the empty charade of a life she had just condemned herself to. *Please let me have made the right choice.*
tbc.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This is an angsty chapter. The angstiest thing I've written, actually, which doesn't say much cuz I don't do much angst, but still...Thank you Tina (Im_bloody_English) for always being there and helping out. Couldn't have asked for a better beta or more understanding friend. Carrie (Darkrivertempest), Sarah (SpikesGoddess) and Mari (Dusty273) you're just too good to me and I really wanna thank you for that. You're all great ladies, and you get chocolate covered Spikes for being yourselves.Last but not least thank you to all of you who read and review and have stuck by me throughout this ride, you seriously rock!!!I will be updating again on Saturday and will start posting on Wednesdays and Saturdays for the remainder of the story - which isn't much *sniffles*.
Chapter End Notes:
Please let me know what you think (and please trust me)! Oh, and if you're reading Mixing Business with Fanfic, the second chapter will probably be posted next Friday and updates will be weekly after that! xxx