~~~~~~~From the previous chapter
Her whispered ‘I'm sorry... William’ was almost drowned out by the slamming of the door as he left the room.
Buffy crumbled in a heap on the floor the moment the door was shut, curling her body tight as if wanting to disappear. She had to fight for her breath as wave after wave of panic hit her at the thought of the empty charade of a life she had just condemned herself to. *Please let me have made the right choice.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike growled as he raced through the house that never before seemed so big, trying to make sense of what the bloody hell just happened. The more he thought about Buffy’s words the more convinced he was he should do what she wanted.
He just wasn’t sure what she wanted was what she asked for.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Xander was out back by the pool, getting a tongue lashing over the phone. Though not totally convinced he didn’t deserve the yelling – and a couple of less than nice names – Willow threw his way, he still made with the token protests and excuses.
“But baby, I’m sure it worked. I mean, she said she knew what she had to do now…” He shook his head in defeat as his girlfriend exasperatedly stressed for the tenth time that Buffy and Spike had been too happy for people that were going to split up, which meant his meddling probably did the opposite… only she explained it all in a much less nice way.
“But how do you-” the rest of his question was drowned out, along with the cordless phone which was thrown into the water by a livid Spike, now holding on two fistfuls of Xander’s shirt and yelling in his face.
“What the fuck did you do?” His nostrils were flaring, his voice threatening yet pleading at the same time.
Xander knew he couldn’t play dumb, although he sure felt like he was *no, not just dumb, a moron, an asshole, a ‘bloody wanker’ as Spike would say*, so he held his palms up and with sincere remorse sputtered “I—I’m sorry, man, I thought I was helping.”
“Thought you were helpin’? Bloody priceless.”
The hands grabbing onto Xander’s shirt were now shaking him like a rag doll, although the dark haired boy wasn’t sure if it was intentional or just an act of desperation. “What happened, Will?” The old name sprang from his lips as all of Spike’s fury seemed to desert him, along with his ability to stay upright, and the blond fell to his knees, bringing his cousin down with him.
Burrowing into Xander’s arms he let loose heart wrenching sobs he’d held in for what seemed like an eternity. “She—she said we were a bloody freak-show, Xander.”
Spike looked up wiping his tears with the knuckles of one hand while the other never let go of the soaked fabric of the brown haired boy’s shirt. Xander felt his own heart breaking and an intense desire to bust his head against the nearest wall. “She didn’t mean it, Will, she can’t mean it. She loves you.” Hesitant hands patted the smaller man’s back in the awkward manner males always do to express their efforts at consoling one another.
“Yeah, she made that clear somewhere between ‘it’s over’ and ‘I can’t love you’.” He shook his head at his own snarky comment. “I know she loves me, Whelp, please tell me what happened. Tell me how to fix this.”
“I don’t know which of the crazy ass things I told her made her snap, man.” At the killer look on the blond’s eyes he hastened to amend. “I know I screwed up man. Willow is always going on about that reverse-psychology thing and it always works like a charm on me, so I thought-” he took a deep breath, bracing himself for the assault he knew would follow his confession. “-I thought it could work, make her not break up with you when you left if-”
Spike was on his feet and Xander on his ass in a split second. The latter seriously doubted his cousin’s sanity as he watched him jump from one psychological state to the next.
“Who the fuck said she was goin’ to break up with me?”
The finger pointed at his face made Xander cower as Spike crouched in front of him which seemed to snap Spike out of his rage long enough for him to help the other boy up. Spotting a packet of cigarettes on a bamboo table, he snatched one, lit it up and proceeded to take a long drag.
“What did you tell her?” he asked, the smoke furling out with each word of his question.
Xander approached him slowly to take a cigarette out of the proffered pack and inhaled deeply when Spike lit it for him. “I’m sorry man. I fucked it up big time. I’ll fix it, I’ll go up there and-”
“What. Did. You. Tell. Her?” His voice was low but sent a chill down Xander’s spine. “This mornin’ I left behind a woman who dreamt of spendin’ the rest of her life with me and I came back to one who couldn’ be rid of me fast enough.”
“I told her it was best to let you go.” He could see Spike clenching and unclenching his fist, and could practically feel another impact between his ass and the ground coming. To his credit, though, he didn’t flinch. “I thought I’d make it a challenge for her… to hold on to you. I didn’t know, man. I didn’t know.” He sought the right words in his smoke, pulling drag after drag. “Told her to let you live your life. I thought I was being sarcastic enough. I thought she’d know I was talking out of my ass, Will. You have to believe me.”
“So she wants me?” Xander muttered a simple ‘yes’.
“You sure?”
“Yes, Will, I’m sure, she only said what she said cuz me and my big mouth made her think it was for your own good.”
The blond nodded once. “The name’s Spike”, he said, before flicking his cigarette butt into the pool and storming back inside the house. *William would never have the balls to go back up there*.
He took the stairs a few at a time, steeling himself for more rejection before he would manage to break through the wall Buffy seemed to have built between them and once more reaching out to her. He didn’t need to think any more. He knew she loved him while she said those spiteful things and now he knew why she’d acted like she had. It was time to get his girl back.
The tiny figure trembling and gasping on the floor looking nowhere in particular through vacant eyes, however, made no effort to resist as he gathered her in his arms and carried her to the bed. “It’s ok, Buffy, I’m here, always here. Always coming back to you.” Putting her down carefully, he sat by her side and caressed her face, brushing the matted locks away from her tear-stained cheeks. “Look at me, luv. Focus on me, I’m here. I’ve got you. Spike’s got you.” His eyes trained on her, he stood up and walked backwards to the door, taking his gaze off her only to duck his head outside the doorframe and yell at the top of his lungs for Xander to bring up some water before he rushed back to her side.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Buffy kept playing her words over and over in her head as she lay there, feeling her insides hurt with every breath she took. She supposed she should be thankful she hadn’t seen the betrayed look she knew would be in his eyes when she destroyed all that was pure and beautiful inside him, but the moment that crossed her mind it was like she could see him… and that hurt so much more. The shock, the pain, the disbelief his face was so capable was expressing – but should never have to – were staring back at her as real as if he’d never left the room, every time she shut her eyes. She should never be the cause of that. *I'm so selfish, so selfish, God! I should've let him go earlier, before he loved me…* Unbidden thoughts raided her mind, contradicting each other, sending a shiver through her and making her grief mount, pulling wails of despair from her gut. *Not able to touch his face again, taste his lips, smell my scent on his skin. Never wake up next to him again.*
The loss was too much to bear, making her head spin. She squeezed her eyes shut to shield them against the cruel noon light but his face floated before her again and she had to snap them open because that beautiful, loved, face didn’t deserve to be lined by misery. *My God, what did I do?* She cried out in misery. *There’s no way back, no way back… I’m sorry, William… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…* Doubt, guilt, pain, all tied up in a knot in her stomach, making blood feel like lead in her veins, weighing her down. Doubt. Guilt. Pain. So much pain. Too much for her mind to bear. *I was wrong, I was wrong. No way back. Never. I drove him away. Called us a freak-show. Oh my God! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…* She felt empty but for that knot, so she tried to hold on to it for all she had, shutting everything else out. Glassy eyes stopped taking in the room around her as she withdrew to a place she could still be with him… Somewhere she could make him see… make him understand…
~~~~~*~~~~~
Spike couldn’t make sense of Buffy’s utter lack of response and it scared him that he couldn’t break through to her. Taking her hands in his he started massaging the cold palms. He could tell she wasn’t seeing him and that shook him more than if she had passed out. She seemed to be in shock and he couldn’t stop cursing himself for having left the room when she told him it was over instead of forcing her to look at him, kiss some sense into her. *What if she doesn’ come back? Those things I said…* “Buffy? Talk to me, pet, look at me an’ tell me off for not fightin’ for you the moment you tol’ me it was over. Please, Buffy, luv. Look at me. I’m here, I love you.” Her erratic breathing evened out a little and Spike realized he was panting. When her eyelids fluttered he felt his heart skip a beat and couldn’t help leaning in to lay soft kisses all over her face. Gradually the gasps she still let out began making sense. She was repeating her last words to him over and over like a chant. ‘I’m-sorry-William-I’m-sorry-William-I’m-sorry-William-I’m-sorry-William.’
*His face, he’s here, no he’s not. I made him leave. I’m sorry, William, I love you, I’m sorry, Spike, never meant to hurt you, thought it was for the best. I love you.* His face before her looked more substantial than before and she felt a mad giggle boil inside her throat and spill out. “Not here. I’m losing it. Lost you and now losing my mind…” she whispered.
He was close enough to hear her whisper and the resignation in it cut like a knife. “Haven’ lost me. Can’t lose me. Love you. I’m here.” Her eyes seemed to focus for just a split second before she was lost to him again. She still sounded like she was talking to him though...
“I had to, baby. I had to let you go. Let you live. Couldn’t ask you to leave it all behind for me. So young.” *I love you.* She was mad at herself for seeing him looking at her worriedly. *I don’t deserve that. Hate me, I can take it… no… I can’t* “I love you.”
Spike couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t watch her drown in despair when he was there to pull her out. Curling his hands around her shoulders he raised her towards him. “I’m here. Love you, too, Buffy. Goddamit, luv, LOOK. AT. ME!” He hadn’t known he was crying until his tears fell on her pale cheeks.
Xander entered the room focused on the overfilled glass of water in his hand but raised his head at Spike’s last cry. It sounded like agonized rage was pulling him apart. He stood shell-shocked, holding his breath and fearing he’d hear something snap as the blond shook the limp girl in his arms like a rag-doll, her head lolling back and forth.
He breathed again when Buffy suddenly tensed, her arms no longer flopping by her sides but rising so that her fingers wrapped around Spike’s biceps, and she raised her head – as if just waking up – to look at her man.
“Spike?” The fog was lifting from her sight, her throat felt raw but her heart soared at the look in the baby blue eyes beholding her. “I’m—I’m sorry.”
With a sigh of relief, Spike just pulled her closer, enfolding her in a tight embrace and tucking her face under his chin, fresh tears wetting his skin as he whispered all the things he felt he had to in order to reassure her.
Feeling as if he were intruding, Xander left the glass of water on the dressing table before quietly slipping back out of the room and closing the door.
~~~~~*~~~~~
“I’m sorry, pet, should ’ave known… Shouldn ’ave said those-”
“No, let’s not.” She laid two fingers on his lips. They had talked about things, and cried about things, and now she wanted to do other things; things that would re-establish their claim on each other and reconfirm their love. She needed to know everything really was alright and no apologies could convince her of that. No, she wanted no more apologies between them. She wanted nothing between them as they lay in bed still holding on to one another for dear life. Her fingers traced his cheekbones before cupping his face and bringing him in close for a gentle kiss.
They made love again and again with the passion brought about by near tragedy, clinging on, getting lost, becoming whole again, hoping to exorcise the last traces of any lingering doubts or fears to render that awful morning as nothing more than a bad midday dream.
When they finally gave in to sleep, they both felt they had achieved just that.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Regretfully, Spike woke Buffy up a couple of hours before dawn. They had to remake the bed with fresh sheets before he had to move into the other room where he knew he’d lay awake, missing her until her family came home and it was time to start a new day, one where he wouldn’t be able to kiss her or touch her like he constantly craved to.
He didn’t care though. Nor did her care that he would be sleeping down the block from her – in Xander’s house – for the next few days until he returned to England, or that he’d spend a year of nights in a bed miles from hers once there, because none of it mattered. What mattered was that they’d almost lost each other, but didn’t.
What mattered was that she was his and he was hers and it would always remain that way.
tbc.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This is the SECOND update this week. If you've read nothing angsty on QS and last thing you remember is the swing sex you have missed Chapter 33.Thank you all so much for still being with me on this ride and for trusting me. Thank you with cookies to Tina (Im_bloody_English) for always finding time for me. You ROCK, sister! Thank you Carrie (Darkrivertempest), for helping out sooo much with this chapter, would have been flat without you. Thank you Sarah, for giving each chapter a test-drive and for the long chats. And thank you Cat for reading this even though you never watched BtVS. You're an angel! Love you ladies! *huggles*
Chapter End Notes:
This chapter and the previous one took a lot to write. Had to go to a dark place I've been trying never to revisit to drag up the feelings needed. That's why your response to Chapter 33 really meant a lot to me and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.