The TV was on and Buffy realized she should focus on what was happening on the screen. After all, she was the one who had chosen the movie. But so far, all she could think of was Spike, sitting next to her on the couch. She wished he would put his arm around her, but he seemed to be more interested in the movie than making smoochies on the couch. But maybe that was a good sign, she thought. It meant that he wasn’t just spending time with her because he wanted to get into her pants, like Parker and Angel. In fact, Spike had done nothing so far to indicate that he was even remotely interested in taking things any further between them. Still, the way he kept glancing at her when he thought she wouldn’t notice told her that maybe he felt something after all.
“Something wrong, pet?”
She jumped at the sound of his voice, feeling a little embarrassed. So he had noticed that she wasn’t paying attention to the movie. She gave him a smile she hoped would be convincing. “No! I just…” She hesitated, not sure of what to say. If she had been nervous before, she became even more so when Spike reached for the remote and paused the movie.
“Having second thoughts about us coming here?” He couldn’t help but holding his breath as he waited for her to say something, almost afraid of what her answer would be. Realizing that he had already become more attached to Buffy than he wanted to, he knew he should put up some distance between them before it was too late. But thinking so was one thing. Doing it was another. He didn’t like being so confused about his feelings for Buffy. More than once he had found himself staring at her lips, wondering what it would feel like to kiss her. And that thought alone scared him half to death.
“No, of course not!” The way she said it, and how she responded immediately, told him that she really meant it. Still, he could feel that something was on her mind. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was.
Buffy cleared her throat, as if to say something, then looked away. He frowned. “Buffy?”
She sighed, finally looking at him. “Well, there is one thing…” Then she hesitated.
“Mind telling me what?” He desperately hoped that he didn’t sound as panicked as he really was. Then again, she seemed to be pretty nervous herself.
Looking away again, Buffy took a deep breath. “I, um…” She let out a nervous giggle, then stopped. “I kinda… well, there’s this guy I sort of like…” Then she groaned. “Oh God, what am I, twelve?! How lame did that come out?”
At first Spike was confused. Then he swallowed. “Go on.”
Their eyes met for a brief moment, then Buffy looked away again, blushing. “All right. This guy… I’m not sure he feels the same way about me.”
Spike was quiet for a moment. “Maybe this guy’s not good for you. Maybe you should just move on to someone better. He might hurt you.”
“Maybe I’m willing to take my chances.” Buffy looked up. “And I don’t think he would hurt me. But maybe he’s afraid I would hurt him.”
“Buffy…” Spike sighed. He was starting to feel uncomfortable. This conversation was taking a turn he really didn’t like. He should’ve known coming here was a mistake. “Maybe I should just…”
“No!” Buffy jumped up, glaring at him. “You always do this; running away as soon as things are starting to get serious. You have any idea how hard this is for me to tell you? I have something to say, and I want you to listen, dammit!” Then she frowned, surprised at her outburst.
Spike looked surprised as well, for a moment just looking at her like he didn’t know if he should run away or stay. Then he nodded. “All right.”
Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. She was silent for a moment, then got a miserable look on her face. “I don’t know what I was going to say! I just don’t want you to leave.”
Spike couldn’t help but chuckle as she pouted. Then he became serious. “Look, Buffy…” He hesitated. “You’re a great girl, all right? In fact, I think you’re too great. For me, anyway. And you deserve… I could never give you what you need.”
Buffy’s pout disappeared and suddenly she looked upset. “You don’t know that. You have no idea what I need. Maybe I’m the one who’s not good enough for you, ever think of that?” She paused. “And maybe that’s what this is really about. You think I’m not good enough and that’s why you reject me!”
He stared at her in bewilderment. “Are you completely daft?!”
She glared at him. “I don’t know what that means! If you’re gonna insult me, at least do it in English so I understand!”
“What?!” He shook his head. “Never mind. Buffy, you don’t really know me.”
“And whose fault is that?” Buffy sat back down, crossing her arms over her chest. “Look, Spike, I’m not an idiot so don’t treat me like one. You keep shutting me out and it’s obvious that there’s something you don’t want to tell me. And I…” She let out a sigh and leaned back on the couch. “Okay. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t feel anything when we’re together. If that’s so, then this conversation is over. I mean it.”
Spike’s eyes widened in surprise. He looked her right in the eyes and opened his mouth. “I…” Then he stopped.
Buffy looked at him, expectantly. “Well? Say it.”
He was quiet for a minute. “I can’t.”
“Because you feel it too.” It was not a question, it was a state of fact.
Letting out a defeated sigh, Spike nodded. “Yes. But that doesn’t mean…” He hesitated. “Buffy, there are things about me you don’t know. Things that would change the way you feel about me.”
“Tell me.” Buffy gave him a challenging look. “You have a girlfriend back in England? Are you married? You have a bunch of kids?” He just stared at her in shock and Buffy rolled her eyes in frustration. “All right, I take that as a no.” Then she paused. “You… have you been in jail or something?”
“No!” He snorted. “I bloody well have not!”
“Well, that’s good.” Buffy let out a small sigh of relief. “Then I don’t think there’s anything that could change the way I feel.”
“You can’t know that!” Spike sighed. “Buffy, there are things… I really don’t wanna talk about it.”
She nodded. “All right.”
He raised a brow. “All right? That’s it? You’re just gonna let it go?”
Buffy shrugged. “If you don’t wanna tell me, then I’m not gonna force you. You don’t trust me, I get it.”
“That’s not…” Spike closed his eyes for a moment. “What do you want from me?”
Swallowing, Buffy put her hand on top of his. “All I want is for you to give me a chance. Give us a chance.” She let out a shaky breath. “Look, Spike, there are things about me that I haven’t told you yet, either. I’m not saying we have to rush into anything, that’s not what I want. Can’t we just take things really slow and see what happens? Like one day at the time?”
Spike felt like his head was spinning. A part of him wanted nothing more then to say yes. Another part was convinced that it wasn’t worth the risk, he would just end up getting hurt. Or even worse; he would end up hurting Buffy. It wasn’t like he could ever be the kind of man she deserved. Then a frightening thought occurred to him. He could say no and just leave. Buffy would have no choice but to accept it and he would never have to see her again. Then he could go on living his life, just like they had never met. Keep getting drunk every night and spend the rest of his life alone. Only, you couldn’t really call that a life.
On the other hand, if he would give in and give Buffy the chance she asked for, sooner or later she would realize that he wasn’t worthy of her and walk away. Then he would be alone again. If she would find out the truth about him, what he hadn’t been able to prevent from happening when he was a kid, she would probably look at him with disgust. And he didn’t think he could take it. In that case, it was better to just leave now. He had never thought he would be able to fall in love with anyone. But if it turned out that he could love after all, and then Buffy would leave him, he didn’t think he could survive losing her.
Then again, if he would decide that it wasn’t worth the risk and be the one to walk away from her, then what did he have to look forward to? The answer was nothing. He had been looking at himself as a survivor, but the truth was, he didn’t really have anything to live for. At least not until he’d met Buffy. For the first time ever, he actually felt like he had a reason to get up in the morning. Was he really willing to give it up just because he was too much of a coward to take a chance for once in his miserable life? He realized that he already knew the answer to that. Looking at Buffy, he finally made up his mind. “One day at the time, eh? Think I can do that.”
TBC
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