“I really should get going.” Despite her words, Buffy made no attempt of getting up. “Any time now.”
Spike chuckled. “You’ve been saying that for two hours.”
Buffy pouted, and he had to resist the urge to start nibbling on her bottom lip. “I know. Don’t wanna move. Too comfy.” She shifted a little in Spike’s arms so she could look at him. “Can’t I stay here tonight?”
He got a surprised look on his face, but quickly covered up. “If you want.”
Buffy gave him a shy smile. “Really? You wouldn’t mind?” She blushed a little. “You probably think I’m silly, but I hate sleeping alone in an empty house. Ever since… you know.” She looked away, not wanting to finish the rest of the sentence.
Spike raised his scarred brow. “And here I thought you wanted to stay ‘cause you enjoyed my company. Guess I was wrong.”
Horrified that he would think that, Buffy grabbed his hand. “God, Spike, I didn’t mean… Of course I…”
He took pity on her. “Relax, pet, m’only teasin’. I know what you mean.”
She didn’t look totally convinced, but decided to let it go. “So, I can stay?” He nodded, after only a moments hesitation. Buffy’s face lit up and she smiled. “Great!” She leaned over and gave him a soft peck on the lips. When she pulled back, she noticed that he wouldn’t meet her eyes, and frowned. “Spike? Is something wrong?” Suddenly she was terrified that he would say yes, that he would tell her that the whole kissing thing had been a mistake. Holding her breath, she waited for him to say something.
Spike hesitated. “Buffy, I…” He stopped, not sure how to go on. It wasn’t that he hadn’t enjoyed kissing her, because he really had, and it was obvious that she had enjoyed it as well. But suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he had let things go a bit too far. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this. And he didn’t know how to tell her without hurting her. Not to mention that he had no idea what all of this meant to her. Taking a deep breath, he finally looked at her. “Buffy, about before…”
Buffy swallowed. “You’re having second thoughts about this. About us.”
“Didn’t say that. I just…” Spike sighed. ”I’m not even sure I know what this is. There’s an ‘us’?” The disappointed look on her face almost broke his heart, and he suddenly felt like the biggest git in the world. “Bloody hell, I didn’t mean it like that!” He let out a groan, frustrated for not being able to say the right thing. Inhaling shakily, he wanted nothing more than to forget this whole conversation.
Buffy looked down at her hands. “I thought you wanted…”
“No, I did!” Spike reached for her hand, desperate to make her understand. “Buffy, kissing you… it was the most amazing thing ever happened to me. You have to believe me.”
She looked up, stunned by the serious look on his face. Smiling a little, she allowed him to take her hand. “Really?” He nodded. “Then what’s wrong? I feel the same way.”
Spike was quiet for a moment. “I can’t…” He stopped. How could he explain to Buffy that it couldn’t happen again? Just kissing her was all right, he supposed, but sooner or later, she would want to take things to the next level. And there was no way he could ever let that happen. But how could he tell her that? She would never understand.
“Spike?” Startled, he looked at her, amazed at the soft look in her eyes. “Talk to me.”
He shook his head. “Buffy…”
Buffy sighed. “Spike, I like you. I mean, really like you. Don’t you like me?” He nodded again, much to her relief. “So, what’s the problem?”
Spike suddenly felt a desperate need to run away. Unfortunately, since they were already at his place, he really didn’t have anywhere to go. “I can’t…” he repeated, not sure of what he was trying to say.
“Can’t what?” Buffy was obviously not going to just let it go this time. He remained silent. Then he felt her hand on his arm. “Spike, you can’t what?”
He jumped up from the couch and started pacing the room. Finally he stopped. “What do you want from me?”
If she was taken aback by his blunt question, she didn’t let it show. “What do you mean?”
Spike went on, like he hadn’t heard her; “Because whatever it is, I can’t give it to you. Do you understand? I can’t ever give you what you need. What you deserve. I’m not…” He stopped, desperately blinking away tears of frustration.
Buffy got up from the couch and approached him, slowly, as if she was afraid he would bolt if she moved to quickly. She stopped a few feet away. He had yet to move an inch. “Spike?” He refused to look at her. “Spike, please, look at me.” She waited, and after almost a minute, he finally met her eyes. “What about what you deserve? What you need?”
He just stared at her. Buffy gently took his hand, but let it go when she felt him tense up. She sighed. “Spike, listen to me. I don’t know what you’re so afraid of, but it doesn’t matter. You think you won’t be able to give me what I need? Can’t you see that you already do?” She ignored the stunned look on his face and went on; “I just wanna be with you.”
He finally snapped out of it and shook his head in denial. “Not enough.”
She reached out for him again, this time put her hand on his cheek. “It is for me.”
“I can’t sleep with you!” There, he had said it. He took a step back, waiting for her reaction.
Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. For a moment she seemed to be at a loss for words. Then she swallowed. “I never asked you to.”
“I know that!” Spike glared at her, embarrassed beyond words. “But you will, if we’ll keep…” He paused, angrily wiping at his eyes. “You will, and I can’t… I don’t…”
“Spike…” Buffy took a step towards him, gently putting a finger on his mouth to stop his ramblings. “I said I wanna be with you, and I meant it. But I would never ask you to…” She stopped and let out a small gasp as realization hit her. “Oh my God… You…”
“Don’t!” Spike shoved her aside and headed for the other side of the room, in a pathetic attempt of getting away from her. “Just shut up, you don’t know a bloody thing about me!” She didn’t say anything, so he glanced at her. The sympathy and horror he could see in her eyes was more than he could take. “Please, go home.” To tired to argue with her, he slid down against the wall. “Buffy, please, just leave.”
TBC
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