”Spike…” Buffy took a hesitant step towards him, then stopped. “You can’t actually expect me to just walk away. Not now.” She swallowed. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why?” Spike let out a defeated sigh. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” Buffy resisted the urge to scream, although it was hard. “Whatever happened to you, whatever you’re hiding, it doesn’t matter. Because I’m already falling in love with you.”
Spike just stared at her in disbelief. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Then he let out a bitter laugh. “If you knew…”
“Aargh!” Buffy threw up her arms in the air in frustration. She ignored Spike’s frown and walked over to him, dropping to her knees next to him on the floor. “When are you gonna start listening to me? I. Don’t. Care!” Spike opened his mouth again, but she raised her hand to stop him. “I’m still talking, don’t even think about interrupting me!” He raised a brow, but remained silent. Buffy sighed. “I know we haven’t known each other that long, but have I ever given you a reason to doubt me? It hurts me when you refuse to trust me. Do you really think so little of me?”
Spike looked surprised. “What are you…?”
Buffy went on; “I’ve tried to tell you, again and again, that nothing will change the way I feel about you. But you still won’t believe me. Instead you insist on trying to make my decisions for me, trying to convince me that you’re right and I’m wrong. About my own feelings! Just so you know, that’s downright insulting.”
Spike was quiet for a moment. “I never meant…”
“Of course not.” Buffy sighed again. “Spike, I meant it when I said I’m falling in love with you. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. But it breaks my heart to see you like this.”
“How can you…?” Spike swallowed. “Buffy, I’m…”
“Don’t you dare!” Buffy glared at him. “Don’t tell me you’re bad. It’s not true. I wish you could see it for yourself, but I guess I’ll just have to keep repeating it until you do.” She hesitated. “Who was it?” He just looked at her, so she clarified; “Who hurt you?”
For a long time, he didn’t say anything. Finally he spoke. “Name’s Ethan. He’s… he was married to my mother.”
Buffy suddenly remembered hearing him say that name in his sleep when he had spent the night at her place. He had refused to talk about it back then and had simply taken off in the middle of the night. This time he couldn’t go anywhere. Or he probably could, but Buffy didn’t think he would. Not with her still here. She would just stay at the same spot until he returned, and she had a feeling he knew that. Now she took a deep breath. “What did he do?”
Spike gave her a pleading look, silently begging her to let it go. And she almost gave in, because deep down, she had a pretty good idea what it was he so desperately didn’t want her to find out, and a part of her didn’t want to hear him say it. For the first time, she was the one who wanted to run. But of course, she wouldn’t. Instead, she reached out her hand and gently put it on top of his. What she really wanted to do was taking him in her arms and just hold him forever, but she had a feeling he wouldn’t react too well to that. At least not yet.
Spike focused on the small hand covering his, because it was better than having to look into her eyes. So, this was it. The moment he had feared would come ever since he made the decision to let Buffy into his life. Although a part of him wished it would never have come to this, yet another part was almost relieved. Spending all his time in fear of what would happen when she would finally find out was exhausting. At least now he would know. Still, he wouldn’t look at her. Instead he kept staring at Buffy’s hand, like hypnotized, like he was memorizing it, savouring the feeling of her soft fingers against his. Because after he had told her, it was a good chance she would never touch him again.
‘What did he do?’ she had asked. The question was, what had Ethan not done? And in a way, he was still doing it. Every night, hell, every time Spike would close his eyes, he was back. Back into the hell he had finally tried to escape from, but never fully managed. He had tried so hard to leave everything that reminded him of his old life behind, but in a way, he had never really left. Because he was broken, an empty shell of a man who had ceased to exist even before he had been allowed to start living.
For a little while, he had actually fooled himself into thinking that he wasn’t broken, that maybe he still had a chance to finally have a life after all, a life away from pain. For a while he had been almost happy, thanks to Buffy. But he had always known, deep down, that his past would keep haunting him until the day he died. Suddenly he didn’t care anymore, he just wanted to get it over with. Because being around Buffy and knowing that it was just a matter of time before she would leave him for good was killing him. So he opened his mouth to finally tell her everything, then realized that he didn’t know where to begin. Was there even words to try to explain about the pathetic excuse for a life he had been living? He wasn’t sure.
“You wanna know what he did?” Spike let out a bitter laugh that sounded more like a sob. “He…” He stopped, not able to put words to what he was feeling. Suddenly he feared that even though he was finally ready to tell Buffy the truth, he still wouldn’t be able to say it out loud. A voice inside his head was screaming at him, over and over again, to get up and leave, to run as far away as possible and never come back. But he remained where he was. He was just so tired of running.
“Spike?” Something in Buffy’s voice made him look up, and he noticed that her bottom lip was trembling. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears, and he realized that the tears were for him. She squeezed his hand softly. “You don’t have to say it. I think I already know.”
Maybe she did, but she couldn’t possibly understand. He didn’t even understand it himself. He let out a shaky breath. “Buffy…”
“He raped you, didn’t he?”
A single tear rolled down Buffy’s cheek, and Spike watched it with fascination. Her words had yet to sink in, mostly because he wouldn’t let them. Taking in what they meant would make it real. Instead he reached out a shaky hand and gently wiped away the tear from her face. “Don’t cry.” That only made her tears fall faster, and he didn’t know what to do to make it better. “Buffy, please…” He just couldn’t stand to see her cry.
“God, Spike, I’m sorry.” Buffy was sobbing now, which made him very confused. This was not how he had expected her to react. Shocked, maybe. Disgusted, probably. But not tears. It almost broke his heart, and he would do just about anything to make her smile again. Before he got the chance to tell her that, Buffy inhaled shakily and went on; “It wasn’t your fault. He had no right to hurt you.”
Spike froze, staring at her in confusion. He didn’t understand why she had just said that, because it didn’t make any sense. Of course it was his fault. He’d never known exactly why, and a part of him knew that what Ethan had done to him was wrong, but he had never doubted that any of it had been his fault. He always did something bad, so Ethan had to punish him. Again and again. And now Buffy said that it wasn’t his fault after all. But it had to be. Spike felt like his head was spinning. It had to be his fault somehow, otherwise his mother would’ve never allowed it to happen. Right?
Suddenly, for the first time, he wondered if it was possible that he had been wrong. But he quickly pushed that thought aside, because it almost made him feel even worse. He had told himself, countless times over the years, that he always deserved whatever he got. Because if he would admit to himself that he really didn’t; that Ethan kept hurting him simply for his own pleasure, the unfairness of it all would destroy him. That, and realizing that his mother really didn’t care about what happened to him. He started shaking his head in denial. “You’re wrong. It was my fault.” Buffy opened her mouth to object, but he wouldn’t let her. “You don’t know me. You don’t know what I did. Maybe I…” He stopped, suddenly glaring at her. “Stop looking at me like that! I don’t want your pity.”
Buffy looked at him, but didn’t say anything. Instead she just wrapped her arms around him. Spike froze, trying to pull away, but she wouldn’t let him. “It’s gonna be okay,” she whispered, gently running her fingers through his hair.
Spike couldn’t help but laugh, at least he thought it started out as a laugh. Then he realized that he was sobbing. It was ridiculous, nothing was ever going to be okay. He wanted to tell her, but found that he was too exhausted to even open his mouth. He wanted to push Buffy away, didn’t want her to see him like this, but suddenly couldn’t bring up the energy to care. That’s when he realized that she had meant what she said. She really wasn’t going anywhere.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Damn writers block kept me from posting this days ago. I hate it, because I want to write so bad and yet the words refuse to come. But I finally managed to write this chapter. Please let me know what you think, right now your reviews would mean more than ever.