”Spike?” Buffy finally pulled back a little, but he refused to meet her eyes. “Spike, look at me.” Spike stubbornly kept his eyes on the floor. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so completely exposed, and even though it was just Buffy, he still felt uncomfortable. So, now she knew. What surprised him was the fact that she was still here. Sure, she had told him she would be, over and over again, but he hadn’t really believed her. Now he jumped in surprise when she ran her fingers gently up and down his arm, but resisted the urge to pull away. “Please?”
He let out a sigh, and finally looked up. It was pathetic really, how he was unable to deny her anything. Even more so now, he realized, after seeing her tears. No one had ever cried for him before. Looking down at the hand still softly rubbing his arm, he realized that it was shaking, slightly. Only he wasn’t sure if it was her, or him. He got a feeling that she wanted him to say something, but he couldn’t for his life figure out what that would be. Wasn’t it enough that she knew, did she have to hear his whole tragic life story? Because he wasn’t sure he would ever be ready to give her the details.
“You’re ashamed of what happened.” It was not a question, it was a state of fact. Buffy inhaled, shakily. “Spike, why? It wasn’t your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
Exactly what he should’ve needed to hear, yet the words meant nothing to him. Because he still refused to see the truth, not to mention that he needed it to be his fault. He needed a reason for what Ethan had done to him, a reason why his mother had simply stood by and watched all those years, instead of coming to his rescue. He needed to believe that had he only been good and behaved, then none of it would’ve happened. Spike had spent his entire life in denial, and he was not ready to admit it. He was terrified that the truth would drive him insane, like it obviously had done to his mother. It was so much easier to just remain in the safe little bubble he had created for himself. However, Buffy obviously had other ideas.
He gave her a pleading look, silently praying that she would drop it, although he knew it wasn’t likely to happen. Though a part of him was grateful for her presence, another part – the part that had been forced to depend on no one but himself for as long as he could remember – desperately wished she would just let it go. Of course, she wouldn’t. Suddenly he felt a desperate need to do something, anything, to change the subject and make her forget what they were really talking about. Without even thinking, he grabbed her arms and pulled her close to him, pressing his lips against hers and kissed her, almost fiercely.
For a brief moment he felt her respond to his actions by leaning into his touch with a soft moan, then she tensed up and pulled back. “Spike, what are you doing?”
Desperate to make her see that nothing had changed – that he still wanted to be with her and maybe even more so; that she still wanted to be with him – Spike tightened his grip on her arms to keep her from pulling away. “Stop fighting it, luv, I know you want it.” He couldn’t let her go, not now, he needed her. “I’ll make you feel it!”
“Spike, no, not like this…” Buffy tried to push him away so she could look him in the eyes, make him see that she was serious, but he wouldn’t let her. Instead, he pushed her back against the wall, pinning her arms over her head, and she started to panic. “Spike, stop!”
He stopped immediately, staring at her in confusion for a moment. Then his eyes widened as he realized what he had done and he scrambled to his feet, starting to back away from her. Buffy remained on the floor while her brain tried to register what had just happened. One minute Spike had been quiet, refusing to even look at her, and the next he had tried to force himself at her. Of course, deep down she knew that he had never intended to hurt her, but for a moment, she had been back in the alley outside The Bronze the night Angel had tried to rape her. The mere thought that Spike would ever do something similar was ridiculous though, she felt completely safe with him. Still, everything had happened so fast and he had taken her off guard.
Having backed up against the opposite wall, Spike seemed to be frozen in shock. Then he suddenly snapped out of it, shaking his head in denial. “Buffy… I didn’t… I would never…”
Finally getting up, Buffy held up her hands in a calming gesture. “It’s okay.”
Spike stared at her in disbelief. “How the bloody hell can you say that?!”
Buffy approached him, slowly. “It’s okay,” she repeated, ignoring the way her voice was trembling. “Let’s just talk about this.”
He let out a bitter laugh, not believing what he was hearing. After what he had done, she still wanted to talk? “I hurt you. I’m sorry.”
“No…” He looked so lost, it nearly broke Buffy’s heart. “Spike, no, I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me. You just…” She hesitated. “…startled me, that’s all. I’m okay, really.”
“How can you be like that?!” Tears of confusion and frustration welled up in his eyes. “I hurt you, I try to push you away, again and again. And every time, you…” He swallowed. “Can’t you just see that I don’t bloody deserve it?! Why are you still here?!”
“Because I love you, you idiot.” She glared at him through tear-filled eyes.
For a couple of minutes, neither of them said anything. Finally Spike spoke, although it was barely more than a whisper. “I don’t want you to love me.” It was a lie, and they both knew it. He was just so confused; he couldn’t even begin to understand what it was she saw in him. Buffy was such an amazing woman; she could probably have any man she wanted. Question was, why would she want him? He felt something when he was around her, but was it love? Was he even capable of loving someone?
“Spike, I’m so sorry for what happened to you. No one should ever have to go through that.” Seeing that he was about to object, she hurriedly went on; “Please, just stop pushing me away and let me help you. You’re not alone anymore.” She paused. “I know it won’t be easy, but we’ll get through this together.”
He wanted to say yes, he really did. But he realized that if he so much as opened his mouth, he would start blubbering. Instead he just nodded.
Buffy let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. She ached to touch him, but wasn’t sure how he would react. So she just reached out her hand towards him, begging him with her eyes to accept it. After a moment’s hesitation, he did. Sighing with relief, Buffy slowly took a step closer, burying her face against his chest. For almost a minute, they just stood like that, then Spike raised his arms and wrapped them around her. When she finally allowed herself to hug him back, he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the top of her head.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Holding my breath and praying that my muse will let the chapters keep coming.