“Buffy! What…?” Spike came rushing into the room after hearing Buffy’s scream, stopping dead in his tracks when realization hit him.
“Spike…” Snapping out of the shock, Buffy put a trembling hand on his arm. “I… I think she’s…” Not able to finish the sentence, she shook her head and took a step back. “Should call 911… I’ll just…” Knowing that it wouldn’t make a difference – it was already too late – she still left the room on shaky legs in search for a phone. When she returned a couple of minutes later, Spike was still standing at the same spot as when she had left, staring at the dead woman on the bed.
Buffy swallowed. “The ambulance is on its way.”
Spike jumped at the sound of her voice, but didn’t turn around. “No point.”
“I know. But…” Buffy stopped, suddenly shuddering. Having never seen a dead person before in real life, she did her best not to look at the woman again, fearing that if she did so, there was a good chance she would throw up. That, or simply pass out. And that wouldn’t do; she needed to stay strong. She took a deep breath, trying to force herself to calm down. “Spike?” No response. She tried again. “Spike, sweetie, why don’t we go wait for the ambulance in the living room?” He seemed to be in some sort of shock, and she had no idea what to do. What could you possibly say to someone in a situation like this?
Spike finally seemed to snap out of it and turned to look at her. Then he nodded. “Yeah, okay.” Buffy let out the breath she had been holding and waited for him to follow her out of the room.
About an hour later, Spike closed the door after the paramedics had left with the body. He turned to Buffy. “You wanna go home now?”
She looked at him with wide eyes. “You want me to leave?”
He shrugged. “Didn’t say that. But if you do, I can’t really blame you.” He paused, then let out a bitter laugh. “Guess this night didn’t turn out the way we planned, eh pet?”
Buffy frowned, finding his behavior a bit strange, to say the least. “Spike, are you okay? I mean…” She stopped, silently cursing herself for asking such a stupid question. “I’m sorry, that was…” Slowly walking over to him, she stopped a few feet away. “I just don’t know what to say. I understand how you must be feeling right now, but…”
“Yeah?” Spike interrupted her, slumping down onto the couch. “Explain it to me then.”
She looked at him in confusion. “What?”
He rolled his eyes. “Tell me how I’m supposed to feel, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t know.” Buffy opened her mouth, but he went on; “I mean, I should feel something, right? ‘Cause she’s my mum. But I…” He stopped, letting out a frustrated sigh. God, how he wanted a smoke right now. Even better; a really strong drink. Or possibly both.
Buffy sat down next to him, putting her hand on top of his. “What do you feel?” Spike didn’t answer at first. Then he just shrugged. Buffy was quiet for a moment, then nodded. “That’s okay.”
Spike stared at her in disbelief. “How can that be okay? My mum’s dead, and I don’t feel a bloody thing! What kind of person does that make me?”
“Spike…” She tried to put her arms around him, but he pulled away. Swallowing, she decided to respect his wishes, even though she longed to be able to offer him some comfort.
“She was here before.” Spike didn’t look at her as he went on. “Before I left. She was rambling a lot, didn’t really make any sense. I told her to be gone when I got back. Guess she took it literally.”
Buffy had to bite her lip to keep from crying; he just looked so lost, and she had no idea how to help him if he wouldn’t even let her touch him. “You can’t blame yourself for this.”
“I don’t.” His response came fast, too fast. Spike realized that she probably didn’t believe him, but he didn’t care. He was just so confused. It wasn’t like he was actually happy that his mother was gone, but he didn’t think he could really mourn her, either. She had never been there for him, and he had long since stopped fooling himself into believing that he could ever depend on her. But still, a part of him wished that he could at least miss her a little. Just so he would feel a bit better about himself. Because what kind of person didn’t even miss his own mother when she died?
But the thing was, Drusilla hadn’t just died. If it had been an accident, maybe he would have felt differently about it. But no, she had killed herself, committed suicide right here in his fucking bed. And he couldn’t help but hating her for it; it was like she had wanted to punish him one last time, making sure that even after her death, he would still be suffering from the actions of his so called parents. It just wasn’t fair. For the first time ever, he had finally something good going on in his life. And just as if she had somehow managed to find out about his new-found happiness, his mother just had to come here and ruin it.
He realized that Buffy really cared, and that she just wanted to be there for him, but she wanted to know how he felt, and he wasn’t sure he could even begin to explain. And even if he could, he didn’t think she would really understand. He had been alone for as long as he could remember; had never had anyone to talk to. And now when he finally did, he didn’t know how. Still, he was afraid that if he wouldn’t talk to Buffy, he would lose her.
“We don’t have to talk right now.” He almost jumped when she finally spoke, for a moment wondering if he had said the last part out loud. Now he looked at her, and noticed the look of fear on her beautiful face. Buffy went on, her voice trembling; “We can do this your way, whatever you want. Just please, don’t shut me out again.”
Spike swallowed, trying to keep the tears from welling up in his eyes. Great, so he couldn’t even feel the least bit sad after losing his mother, but it just took a couple of kind words from Buffy to almost make him start weeping like a child. And a part of him hated himself for it, for being so weak. Buffy deserved someone who could be strong for her, someone who wasn’t… broken. Yet, he was selfish enough to wanting to keep her. He still didn’t really understand his feelings for her, but he knew that if she would leave him now, he wouldn’t be strong enough to go back to being alone. He would rather die than having to live the rest of his life like he had before he had met Buffy.
That was why he finally reached out for her, running his fingers through her hair and then hesitantly pulling her into his arms. “I won’t.” He could feel her relief as the tension seemed to leave her body and she wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. He only hesitated for a moment before burying his face against her neck, finally allowing the tears to fall.
TBC