Spike finally pulled back, wiping his eyes. Glancing at Buffy, he could see that she wanted to say something. But the way her mouth first opened, then closed, hesitantly, told him that she couldn’t decide on how. Somewhat embarrassed about his earlier breakdown, he let out a sigh. “What?”
Buffy snuggled closer to him on the couch, but wouldn’t meet his eyes. She was still not completely comfortable with asking him things he might find too personal. Still, she had come to know him well enough to know that if she wouldn’t ask, he wouldn’t tell. So she took a deep breath. “What did she do?” He cocked his head to the side, looking confused, so she clarified; “Your mother. What did she do to make you feel this way?”
He was quiet for a moment, then shrugged. “Didn’t do a bloody thing.”
She frowned. “Then why…?” She stopped as realization hit her and the meaning of his words started to sink in. “Oh.” He looked away, and she took his hand. “Spike, I’m…”
“Don’t.” He gave her a pleading look but, much to her relief, didn’t pull away from her. “Don’t feel sorry for me. Was a long time ago, it doesn’t matter now. I already told you, I don’t want your pity.”
Buffy shook her head, somewhat annoyed that they were back to that. “And I told you, it’s not about pity. Besides, I’m entitled to care about you. It’s my legal right as your girlfriend.” Seeing the startled look on his face, she blushed. “I mean… we are dating now, right? I just assumed…” A pause. “Only if you want me to be, of course. I don’t mean to push or anything.” She lowered her eyes to the floor, her face a mixture of fear and misery
For a moment, Spike didn’t now what to say. He had yet to take in the fact that even after everything that had happened, Buffy still wanted to be with him. Though a part of him was overwhelmed with relief, another part was still confused beyond words. He just couldn’t understand how she could keep being so kind and understanding without ever asking for anything in return. She kept surprising him, and he couldn’t figure out if that was a good thing or a bad. He felt like he could never know exactly what to expect when it came to her.
One look at her miserable face snapped him out of his thoughts. She glanced at him, silently begging him to say something. Suddenly he realized that he had been wrong; she had made it perfectly clear, over and over again, what to expect from her. He was the one who still wasn’t able to really trust her. But it was all still so new to him; he just wasn’t used to anyone caring about him. He supposed a part of him would always feel like he didn’t deserve to be loved, even a little bit. So far, he had simply accepted it as a fact, but lately, he had started to see things differently. Deep down, he now realized that nothing Ethan had done to him had been his fault. The only problem was, that fact made him feel even worse about himself for not realizing that years ago.
“Spike?” Buffy swallowed as their eyes finally met. “Are you mad at me? Do you want me to leave?”
“No!” He grabbed her arm, as if he was afraid she would just get up and run. Pulling her close to him, he closed his eyes for a moment, terrified of not being able to say the right thing and scare her away. “Buffy, I’m sorry. Please don’t go. I just…”
She put her finger on his mouth to stop him. “Spike, I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.”
Letting out a shaky breath, he relaxed a little. “Okay, good.” He was silent for a moment. “Did you really mean it? The girlfriend part, I mean?”
Feeling a small pang in her chest at the fact that a part of him still doubted her, Buffy could only nod. She felt like being with Spike was always a ‘two steps forward – one step back’ kind of thing, and even though she was happy they finally seemed to be going in the right direction, it still hurt that he never seemed to be able to trust her completely. However, it only made her more determined to prove to him how serious she was. She would just have to be patient; they still had a long way to go.
He looked at her for a while, and she felt like he was trying to look right into her soul. It was okay, though; she had nothing to hide from him. Finally he nodded. “Right. Sorry for being such a git about this. I guess I just…” He hesitated, then shrugged, deciding to be honest with her. “Guess I still can’t figure out why you’d want to…” He shrugged again and looked away, embarrassed.
“Hey, look at me.” Buffy put her hand on his cheek, gently forcing him to look her in the eyes. “Spike, I know how you feel…” She paused, frowning. “Actually, I don’t, but I can imagine. Just believe me when I say this; there’s nothing wrong with you. Other people have made you think you don’t deserve anything good in your life, but they’re wrong. You’re not the one who’s not worthy; they are. You’re a wonderful person who deserves nothing but the best. And if you’ll let me, I’ll do anything I can to give it to you.” Another pause. “That is, if I can be good enough for you.”
Spike stared at her in disbelief. “If you…?” He shook his head. “Buffy, luv, what if I can’t give you anything in return?” His eyes widened when she pulled him closer, gently catching his lips with hers.
She pulled back, smiling a little. “You already do.”
He found himself smiling back, pushing the last of his doubts to the back of his mind. They looked at each other and for a moment, nothing else existed but the two of them. Then reality came crashing back, and Spike let out a groan. “Bloody hell…”
Buffy gave him a worried look. “What’s wrong?”
Sighing, he leaned back on the couch. “Nothing, just hit me, is all. There’s gonna be a funeral, who’s gonna take care of that? I don’t know if I can pay for it. Honestly, not sure I even want to be there. But I’ll have to, right? I mean, she’s my mother, people’s gonna think…”
“Spike, calm down.” Buffy put her hand on his arm, a serious expression on her face. “We’ll cross that bridge when we’ll get there, no need to worrying about that now. It’s gonna be okay. And whatever you’ll decide to do, you have my support.”
He gave her a grateful look. “Thanks, it means a lot to me. I just don’t know if I can do it, you know? Attending a bleedin’ funeral and pretend to mourn. I feel really bad about it, but…” He shrugged, helplessly, not knowing how to go on.
“Then don’t go.” Buffy ran her hand up and down his arm in a soothing gesture. “It’s up to you; only you can decide if you should be there or not.”
“Yeah, well, that’s the thing.” Spike rolled his eyes, not sure if he could explain it so it would make sense to her. “A part of me feel like maybe I should be there, ‘cause she’s my mother and all. But…” He let out a frustrated sigh and closed his eyes for a moment, afraid that if he would look at Buffy and see the sympathy in her eyes, he would start bawling again. “It’s just not fair, you know. Even though they’re both dead, they won’t leave me alone!” He paused, desperately trying to get his emotions under control. Finally meeting her eyes, he silently begged her to understand. “I just wanna have a life, Buffy. But it doesn’t matter what I do; they still won’t let me.”
Desperately fighting back tears of her own, Buffy was quiet for a moment. Then she climbed into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, gently pressing her cheek against his. It only took a moment before his arms came to rest around her. They sat like that for a couple of minutes before Buffy finally spoke; “I wish we could just leave, you know. Get as far away from here as possible and just start over somewhere.”
He chuckled a little. “Done that already. Didn’t work.”
Pulling back so she could look at him, Buffy ran her fingers down his face, smiling when he leaned into her touch. “But we’re in this together now, right?” He nodded, much to her relief. Intending to kiss him again, she leaned closer, only to freeze in her tracks when her stomach suddenly made a loud, growling sound. Her face turned bright red.
Spike looked amused. “Hungry, pet?” Then he remembered something and became serious. “Oh, bollocks! I brought you back here to cook you dinner, instead you’re starving. Some date this turned out to be.”
“Spike, don’t. You couldn’t possibly have known…” Buffy stopped, suddenly desperate to change the subject. “But I am kinda hungry. There’s a pizza place just around the corner, right?” Spike nodded. “Great. I’ll just run over there, it’ll only take ten minutes. Any requests?”
He thought about it for a moment, then shook his head. “Whatever you want is fine.” Then he paused. “Except mushrooms. Or tuna. Or any kind of fruit.”
Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. “Anything else?”
Giving her an innocent look, Spike shook his head again. “No, that’s about it.”
Rolling her eyes, Buffy got up from the couch and headed for the door. But she couldn’t resist looking at him over her shoulder. “Love you.” She didn’t wait for him to respond before leaving the apartment, closing the door behind her. Her mind occupied with thoughts about Spike, she didn’t watch were she was going and accidentally bumped right into an older man. Eyes widening, she hurriedly stuttered an apologize. “Oh God, I’m so sorry!”
The man smiled. “No need to apologize, I’m afraid my mind was elsewhere, as well.”
She let out a sigh of relief. “Oh. Okay then.” Returning his smile, Buffy was just about to leave when he put his hand on her arm to stop her. She gave him a questioning look.
“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but do you live here?” Seeing her frown, he hurriedly went on; “I was just wondering since I recently moved into this apartment myself. I haven’t had time to meet any of my new neighbours yet, I was just trying to be polite.”
“Oh.” Buffy relaxed a little, although there was something about this man that made her a little uncomfortable. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, though. Forcing another smile, she shook her head. “I don’t live here, I’ve just been visiting a friend.”
“I see.” The man got a thoughtful look on his face, then nodded. “Well, I won’t keep you, then. It was a pleasure to meet you.” The polite smile was back.
“Right. Bye.” Eager to leave, Buffy hurried away without looking back. That was why she didn’t notice that the man had yet to move an inch. Instead he just kept staring after her. He wasn't smiling anymore, and his eyes were cold as ice.
TBC
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