After Buffy had left, Spike found himself glancing back towards the bedroom. Slowly walking over to the closed door, he hesitated a little before pushing it open and stepped inside. He didn’t know what he had expected, but the room looked perfectly normal, just like he had left it this morning. If he hadn’t actually seen the cold body of his mother lying right there on the bed, only a few hours ago, he never would’ve guessed something off the ordinary had happened in there. His eyes narrowed when he noticed the empty bottle of sleeping pills, still lying on the floor, and he went to pick it up.
Selfish bitch, he thought, bitterly. He needed those pills. Suddenly he didn’t know which upset him the most; the fact that his mother had decided to end her pathetic life in his bed, or that she had used his sleeping pills to kill herself. Deep down, he wished that he could let go of his anger for a moment and allow himself to feel at least a little bit of grief; after all, his mother was dead now and would never come back. Thinking back to his childhood, he desperately searched his mind for some happy memory of his mother. She had never hit him, or hurt him physically in any way. But he couldn’t remember her ever hugging him or showing him even the slightest sign of affection, either.
Had anyone asked him when he was a kid if he loved his mother, he would’ve said yes, without hesitation. Because every child had to love his parents, right? Just like every parent had to love his or her child. At least, that’s how he knew it was supposed to be. Spike had seen enough on the telly as a kid to know that love was supposed to be a good thing. He remembered Drusilla telling Ethan how much she loved him, all the time. But had she ever said those words to him? He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t think so. If she had, shouldn’t he have remembered?
So, if it was true that his mother had never really loved him, did that mean that there was something wrong with him, or with her? For as long as he could remember, he had been convinced that it was all his fault that no one seemed to be able to love him. There had to be something horribly wrong with him, he had never understood what it was about him that made him so unlovable, but there had to be something, nevertheless. But then, only a few weeks ago, Buffy had entered his life. And his entire existence had suddenly turned upside-down.
Ever since he had first moved to Sunnydale, Spike had done everything in his power to push people away, to keep anyone from coming too close so they might see him for the broken shell of a man he really was. But he finally had to face the facts; Buffy Summers wasn’t just anyone. Aside from being kind, sweet and beautiful, she was also strong, stubborn and persistent, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Buffy had somehow managed to nestle her way into - not only his life - but his bruised and battered heart as well. And now he didn’t know how he had ever managed to survive without her.
It had taken quite some time, but Buffy had made him start seeing things from a whole new perspective. When she first told him that she was starting to fall in love with him, his mind had simply refused to take in what those words meant. But she hadn’t given up, and for that, he would be forever grateful. She knew about what had happened to him, even if he had been quite vague with the details, and she still wanted to be with him. Buffy didn’t think he was unlovable, she had made her feelings for him perfectly clear, over and over again, and he had a feeling she would keep repeating the words as many times as he needed to hear them, even if he would never be able to say them back.
Although, deep down he now realized that he was in love with Buffy as well, but he just didn’t know how to put his feelings for her into words. Was there even words strong enough? She had saved him from a life of nothing but misery and despair; a life not even worth living. But now, everything had changed. He wasn’t alone anymore. And for the first time ever, he felt like he finally had something to look forward to, a reason to get up in the morning. And it was all because of Buffy. For the first time in his life, he was happy.
And then his mother had to show up and ruin everything. He wished he could mourn her, he really did. But to tell the truth, aside from anger and bitterness, he could now also feel relief. Ethan was already gone and now, with the death of his mother, so was also the final link to his old life. He was free now, he could finally allow himself to relax and rest, knowing that the years of pain and fear were over. He could finally start a new life, with Buffy. Speaking of Buffy; he suddenly realized that he missed her, although she had only been gone for ten minutes. Next time, he thought, we’ll just call the soddin’ pizza place and have them deliver.
A sudden knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts, and he put the small, empty bottle back on the night stand. Then he left the room and headed for the front door. Certain that it was Buffy, already returning with the pizzas, he hurriedly swung the door wide open. “You don’t have to knock, you know, you can just…” Then he stopped and froze dead in his tracks. Nothing could have ever prepared him for the shock of seeing the man again, the man who was supposed to be dead and no longer a threat to him. But still, here he was, just outside his door.
Spike had spent almost two years beating people up, desperately trying to convince himself that he never had to let anyone lay a hand on him again without putting up a fight to defend himself. But suddenly, it was just like the last couple of years had never happened; he was once again nothing but a small, scared boy, trembling in fear in front of his tormentor. He had been a fool to think that it was over, that he could ever escape from his past. Because the one person he feared most in the whole world had finally found him and was now standing in front of him, grinning madly.
“Really? That is good to know, I won’t be so polite next time.” Ethan chuckled quietly and looked at Spike, an expectant look on his face. “So, William… Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
TBC
[Reviews - 1696]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 4999 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Once again, I've been struggling with writers block which is both annoying and frustrating. Also, I feel like I'm losing readers again. Still with me? Please let me know, for some reason, even the simplest review seems to do wonders for the muse.