”What do you mean, hurt me? Why would…?” Buffy stared at Spike in confusion for a moment, then fury started welling up inside her when she realized what his words were implying. “He actually told you that?! That he would hurt me?!”
Mistaking her shocked expression for fear, Spike immediately reached for her hand and hurried to assure her; “I won’t let him hurt you, luv. I promise.”
“I know! That’s not…” Buffy hesitated, not wanting to take her anger at Ethan out on Spike. She knew Spike was telling the truth; he would probably protect her with his life should it ever come to that. But she wasn’t really afraid Ethan would actually try to hurt her. Maybe she should be, but right now she was too angry to fear for herself. Also, she suspected that the bastard probably realized that threatening her would be the only way to make sure he would keep his power over Spike. “Okay, look…” She sighed. “Spike, I know you would never let him hurt me. I’m not afraid for me. I just hate the fact that he’s here, causing you so much pain.”
He looked away with a shrug. “Doesn’t matter.”
“How can you say that?” When he didn’t answer, Buffy put her hand on his arm. “Spike, it’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this together, I promise. He’s not going to hurt either of us. Ever again.” She added the last part quietly, not wanting to think about how that monster had hurt him in the past. Unfortunately, not thinking about things didn’t necessarily mean they would go away.
Spike let out a bitter laugh. “Shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, pet.”
She was silent for a moment, then cupped his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Do you trust me?” He looked a little surprised, but nodded. “Then believe me when I say I’ll find a way to keep that promise.”
He swallowed. “Buffy…”
“I mean it, Spike.”
Looking her deep in the eyes, he realized that she really did. Not that he expected her to actually be able to do anything if – or more likely, when – Ethan would return, but what really amazed him was the fact that Buffy genuinely intended to do everything in her power to keep Ethan from ever hurting him again. Buffy was a small woman; barely more than five feet tall, but the fire in her eyes was impossible to miss and it made him feel strangely warm inside. He was deeply touched by her obvious love and concern for him, but couldn’t help but wonder – and not for the first time – what he could ever possibly have done to deserve someone such as amazing as her.
Of course, deep down he still didn’t believe he would ever be truly worthy of her. How could he be, when he couldn’t even tell her how much she really meant to him? He didn’t doubt his feelings for her anymore, hadn’t done for quite a while now. Hell, he could even admit to himself that he had come to fall in love with her, but telling her those three little words was a whole different matter. Buffy had told him, over and over again, how she felt about him. So why couldn’t he just tell her that he felt the same way? For some reason, though, he had a feeling that she already knew. But still, he wanted to see the look on her face when – or if – he would ever be able to tell her. Not to mention the fact that she deserved to hear, out loud, that her feelings were very much mutual.
And then there was that other little thing. Sex. Although he had been more than a little vague about it, he had made it clear to Buffy that he wasn’t ready. Truth to be told, he wasn’t sure he would ever be. Because to him, sex was not a good thing. It wasn’t about love, or even pleasure. It was all about power, and in his case; obedience and submission. And pain. Lots and lots of never ending pain. Of course, he realized that sex with Buffy wouldn’t be like that, just like he knew that sex shouldn’t really be all about force and violence. But he just couldn’t imagine ever being able to actually enjoy something that he had learned to associate with nothing but fear and humiliation.
He sighed, not wanting to think about it anymore, the whole thing giving him a headache. Still, he couldn’t quite shake the disturbing feeling that Buffy deserved so much more than he would ever be able to give her. Maybe she really would be better off without him. However, he was too selfish to give her up. He needed Buffy. And maybe, just maybe, she really needed him too. That thought gave him hope, and he managed to give her a small smile.
Buffy returned his smile, but looked a little confused. “What?”
He suddenly felt a little embarrassed. “Nothing. Just…” He shrugged. “You’re bloody amazin’, you know that?”
She blushed, looking down at her hands. “I’m not that special.”
“Are you kidding? You…” He hesitated, not knowing how to explain to her just how special she was to him. But he knew he owed it to her to at least try. “Buffy, you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. When I’m around you…” He stopped, struggling to find the right words. “You make me wanna be a better person, someone who’s…” He didn’t want to say the word ‘worthy’, not sure of how she would react. Shrugging again, he glanced at her, silently begging her to understand what he meant.
Frowning, Buffy gently took his hand. “Spike, I don’t want you to feel like you have to change for me.” She wished he would put his arms around her, touch her in any way, but he remained still. Holding back a sigh, she went on; “Don’t you see? I fell in love with you, not…” She swallowed. “Do you want me to change for you? Do you want me to try and become a better person?”
For a moment, he looked horrified. “No! Buffy, you’re perfect just the way you are! I would never…”
“I know.” She interrupted him. “And I feel the exact same way about you. Why can’t you just see that?” Her voice was calm, but inside she was screaming with frustration. She hated the fact that they were back to this; him thinking he couldn’t be good enough for her. Suddenly she just felt like crying; she had really thought they had moved past all that.
“Because I don’t bloody get it!” He jumped up from the couch, glaring at her. “Why, Buffy? Why do you…? I mean, I can’t…” Frustrated for not being able to find the right words, he stopped with a sigh. “I hear you say it, but I just don’t understand how.”
The calm, patient expression on her face almost made him weep. “How, what?” Buffy got up as well. “How can I love you? The answer is very simple, Spike. But I just don’t know what to do to make you see it.”
His voice was barely more than a whisper. “Tell me.”
Buffy looked him deep in the eyes. “Because you make me feel like the most special girl in the world. Because you are you. Because…” She rolled her eyes. “I could go on all night, but what I’m trying to say is, you’ve changed my entire world for the better. In fact, you are my world. I love you.”
Spike stared at her, amazed by her words. His bottom lip was trembling. “But…”
She held up her hand to stop him. “Spike, I love you.”
“Buffy…” He desperately tried to blink away the tears threatening to fall. Then he realized that she had tears in her eyes as well. “Please, don’t…”
“I love you.” She looked at him stubbornly as she kept repeating the words.
For a moment, he just kept staring at her, speechless. Then he finally gave in, pulling her into his arms with a choked sob. “I love you, too.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I feel like I'm losing readers and reviewers with every chapter, which makes me a little sad. Thank you to those of you who are still with me, your kind words and reviews are what keeps me writing! *hugs*