Pulling back abruptly, Spike fought the urge to push Buffy away from him and bolt. Instead, he settled for putting some distance between them in a desperate attempt to keep the panic from welling up inside him. “Buffy, I…”
“Spike, it’s okay.” Buffy tried to put her hand on his arm, but pulled back when she saw him flinch, slightly. She swallowed. “It was just an idea, it was stupid. Forget I said anything. We can just…” She hesitated. “…watch another movie or something.”
“No.” Spike closed his eyes for a moment, silently cursing himself for being such a git. “It’s not you, okay? It’s me. I’m sorry, I just…” He rolled his eyes, frustrated for not finding the right words.
“You don’t have to explain, I understand.” Buffy had to bite her lip to keep the tears from welling up in her eyes. How could she be so stupid? Of course he wouldn’t be ready for that, she should have known better than to make such a suggestion. But she had gotten caught up in the heat of the moment. Still, they had been making such a huge progress and she should have just left it at that. She took a deep breath. “Look, you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s sorry for pushing you like that.” She paused. “I didn’t ask you to have sex with me, I just wanted to do something nice for you, make you feel good. If you’re not comfortable with that, then neither am I.”
Spike realized that she was trying to make him feel better, but her kind words had the exact opposite effect and only made him feel worse. Things had been just fine, hell, better than fine. Everything had been perfect, barely a moment ago, and then he had to ruin it by acting like a bloody ponce. He inhaled, shakily, desperate to make things right again. “It’s okay, luv, really. I’m fine. I was just…” He hesitated for a moment. “…a little surprised. But I’m over it now, I can…” Reaching for the button in his jeans, he nearly jumped when Buffy immediately put her hand on top of his to stop him. He gave her a confused look.
“Don’t!” Buffy took his hand and pulled it away from his pants, holding it gently in hers, a firm look on her face. “Don’t even think about doing something you’re not ready for.”
Feeling even more stupid by the minute, Spike lowered his eyes, not wanting to look at her. He couldn’t stand seeing the understanding and compassion in her eyes, certain that he didn’t deserve it. Once again, he had managed to let her down. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I don’t wanna disappoint you.”
“Spike, please…” Buffy forced back a sob, feeling horrible for making him feel that way. “You could never disappoint me. Don’t you see? What I wanted to do had nothing to do with me. It’s all about you, baby.” She gave him a pleading look, silently begging him to understand.
Instead of finding relief in Buffy’s words like he knew she had hoped, Spike jumped up from the couch and started pacing the room, torn between wanting to yell in frustration or weep from humiliation. He stopped in the middle of the room, finally looking at her. “You say you’re not disappointed now. What about a month from now, or a year from now?” He looked down at his hands, realizing that they were shaking. “I thought I was ready, but I’m not. Not sure I’ll ever be.”
Spike glanced at Buffy, seeing that her bottom lip was trembling, but other than that, she seemed calm. She got up from the couch as well, but made no attempt of immediately walking over to him like he had thought. Instead she just looked at him, a patient look on her face as if she just waited for him to go on. He rolled his eyes. “Feel like I’m going insane here.”
Buffy shook her head. “You’re not insane.” She took a hesitant step closer, desperately wanting to touch him. “You’re just…”
He interrupted her, letting out a bitter laugh; “A wreck? Broken? I know that, pet. He did that to me; he’s bloody ruined me.” He didn’t realize Buffy had moved until she was suddenly standing right in front of him, reaching out a trembling hand to wipe away a tear from his cheek; a tear he didn’t even realize had fallen. “He was supposed to be dead!” Spike clenched his fists, feeling a desperate need to punch something. “Why the bloody hell can’t he just be dead? Then maybe I could…” He stopped, not knowing exactly what he was trying to say. “Fuck!”
Buffy was quiet for a moment. Then she took his hand and led him back to the couch, certain that he would object or pull away, but he just let out a defeated sigh and followed. They sat down and he slumped back into the couch, closing his eyes. She bit her lip, thoughtfully. “What if he was?”
Spike’s eyes snapped open. “What?”
She tightened the grip on his hand, relieved when he squeezed back after only a moment’s hesitation. “What if he was dead? Would it really change anything?” He opened his mouth, but she went on before he could say anything; “Don’t misunderstand me. That man is a monster who doesn’t deserve to live and I would gladly kill him myself for everything he’s put you through. What I meant was, it wouldn’t change what happened. What he did to you. What you’re feeling now, it wouldn’t just go away.”
He shrugged. “Guess not. But I’m just so tired, Buffy. I’m tired of him ruining my life. I wish…” He sighed, not sure how to finish.
Hesitating a little, Buffy reached out her free hand and ran her fingers gently trough his hair, happy when he leaned into her touch. “Have you ever thought about talking to someone about all of this?”
He gave her a confused look, then let out a snort when he realized what she meant. “Like a bloody shrink? I don’t think so, luv. I may be going insane, but I’d like to think I’m not quite there yet.”
“You’re not.” Buffy smiled a little. “But sometimes it helps to talk about things that…”
“No.” Spike shook his head, giving her a firm look. “I’m talking to you, but that’s it. Don’t bring it up again.”
Buffy opened her mouth to object, but then decided against it. Instead she just nodded. “Okay. I won’t.” A part of her was well aware of the fact that Spike was in desperate need of talking to someone who had a lot more experience with these things than her, but she also knew that pushing him would only get the opposite effect. So she forced herself to let it go.
Now he looked at her, a thoughtful look on his face. “How do you do it?”
She frowned. “Do what?”
He gave her a sad smile. “Put up with me?” Seeing the look on her face, he hurried on; “I mean, look at us. We were supposed to have a good time tonight, hell, we were having a good time. And then I had to act like a git and ruin everything.” He sighed. “You make me happy, Buffy, more than I ever thought was possible. It would just be nice to be able to do the same for you some time. Make you happy.”
Buffy had tears in her eyes, but didn’t bother to blink them away. “Spike, don’t you know it by now? Every moment with you makes me happy.” She looked at him through the tears. “Can I give you a hug?”
Spike frowned at the fact that she felt the need to ask, but then realized that he had given out enough mixed signals tonight for her to be a little uncertain. So he just nodded. She let out a sigh of relief and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. As he returned the embrace, he made a decision. He had told Buffy that he wasn’t sure he would ever be ready for them to take their relationship to the next level, but suddenly he refused to accept that. He would be ready eventually, he had to, both for Buffy’s sake and for his own. Because he wasn’t going to let Ethan ruin his life anymore.
Of course, Ethan would still try; he sure as hell wouldn’t give up and leave him alone just because Spike wanted him to. In fact, now that the man knew where to find him, he could just show up any time. He had even said so himself. Spike let out a shuddering breath, suddenly feeling very cold. He knew what he had to do; he didn’t have much choice. He had to find Ethan before he could come back and pay him another visit, and confront him. And somehow, he would make sure that bastard would never be able to hurt him again.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews for the last chapter! *hugs*
Chapter End Notes:
I know, more angst. Sorry. But seriously, you didn't think it was over quite yet, did you? ;)