Spike woke up from the nightmare with a silent gasp, causing Buffy to stir next to him. He immediately placed a soft, assuring kiss on her bare shoulder, holding his breath as he waited for a moment, relieved when she seemed to settle down again. Snuggling closer to him, she mumbled something inaudible and was soon sleeping again, peacefully. He waited a couple of more minutes to make sure she wouldn’t wake up, then quietly slipped out of the bed and out into the living room.
Three days had went by since the dinner with Joyce, and Spike and Buffy had spent every night – and most parts of the days – together, here at his apartment. Although none of them had used the phrase ‘moving in’ out loud, Buffy had brought more than one set of clothes the last time she went home, and her little bag of make-up had found a new home in his bathroom cabinet. He had also cleared out a couple of drawers in the bedroom for her to put her clothes in. And there was a small, pink stuffed pig sitting on his nightstand.
He had grumbled when she’d insisted on putting it there, of course, complained that she made his bedroom look poncy and girlish, but they both knew he wasn’t really serious. Hell, he’d let her paint the whole bloody room pink if it made her happy. Luckily for him, she seemed to be satisfied with just keeping her beloved pig next to the new bed, and he could live with that.
Since Drusilla had used all of his sleeping pills to commit suicide, he had yet to go to the drugstore and get more. The truth was, he didn’t really want to, realizing that he had become more addicted to those damn pills than he had been ready to admit. And more importantly; even though sleeping next to Buffy wouldn’t make the nightmares go away completely, Spike had still slept better the last couple of nights with her than he had in years. Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t really need the pills anymore, as long as he had Buffy. Who – if he had anything to say about it – wouldn’t be going anywhere any time soon.
Now he took a deep breath, trying to shake off the disturbing feeling caused by the nightmare. He always felt disgusted and dirty when he woke up; after all these years still remembering the feeling of Ethan’s hands on him all too well. Buffy would have been able to make him feel better, though, and he knew it was most likely that had he just stayed in bed with her, he would already have gone back to sleep. But instead he had left Buffy asleep in the warm, safe bed. And for some reason, he couldn’t stop shaking.
The other night, it had seemed like a good idea to look Ethan up and confront him, but now, standing here alone in the dark, cold living room, Spike doubted that he would ever gather enough courage for such an act. At the same time, a part of him was furious at himself for being such a pathetic coward. He was not a little boy anymore; he shouldn’t still be afraid of that man. Sure, Ethan had made it perfectly clear that he would still be able to hurt him, but so what? Spike snorted. He just had to make sure to hurt Ethan first.
Of course, he had no idea where his step father was staying, and he didn’t look forward to the idea of confronting him in some hotel room, or out in public. He still wasn’t sure of what he was going to do with Ethan once he found him, but he did know that he didn’t want to risk getting caught, or anyone else seeing them. Because deep down, he suspected that after the confrontation, only one of them would be able to walk away. And he would do his best to make sure that it would be him. Maybe he should just wait until Ethan would return, something he knew would happen sooner or later. Only this time, he would be prepared for him.
“Spike?”
He jumped at the sound of Buffy’s voice and spun around, his heart beating loudly in his chest. She was standing in the doorway, a blanket draped around her shoulders and her hair hanging in messy curls. Spike thought she had never looked more beautiful. Of course, she could spend a week rolling around in the mud, and he would still feel the same way. Now he walked over to her. “Sorry, pet, didn’t mean to wake you.”
“You didn’t.” She gave him a concerned look. “Are you okay?”
“Sure.” He realized that he probably had answered a little too fast, eager to assure her that everything was just fine. But the look in her eyes told him that he wasn’t able to fool her. He let out a sigh. “Yes, I had a nightmare, but I’m fine. Really, luv, I’m used to them by now. Just go back to sleep, I’ll be there in a moment.”
Buffy didn’t move. She watched him for a moment, obviously trying to read his mind to see if he was lying. “It’s okay, I’ll just stay here and keep you company. I don’t think I can go back to sleep without you there anyway.”
Spike managed a small smile and pulled her into his arms, nuzzling her hair and inhaling her scent. Buffy wrapped her arms around him with a happy little sigh, and he tightened his grip around her. Buffy was truly amazing. He didn’t think it was possible to love her more, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe the love he felt for her would always keep growing. He honestly didn’t know what he would do without her, praying that he would never have to find out. Because when he was with her, his miserable life didn’t just seem less miserable. He actually felt lucky to be alive, something he couldn’t remember ever feeling before Buffy had entered his life.
Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of not being able to truly give her what she deserved, to let her give him what she clearly so desperately wanted. And a part of him really wanted to give in, to lose himself completely in their relationship and let her love him with the true meaning of the word, finally letting go of the past for good and only look forward to what the future would hold. Unfortunately, he feared that he wouldn’t be able to do that until Ethan was the one who was gone for good. And that would never happen, unless…
Unless that bastard was dead.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This story has won Best Angst - Runner Up at The Cradle Of Humanity Awards, thank you soo much to whoever nominated it and to all of you who have voted! *hugs* My one-shot Meeting William also wan Best Drabble. Can I just say I'm incredibly happy and grateful right now? :) Anyway, here's the new chapter of this story, and no, I don't see an ending coming any time soon, whether that's good or bad. :) Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews, unfortunately I'm getting seriously behind in responding, especially since I lost all the respondings I'd done at chapter 41 when the site went wonky. But I'll do my best to catch up and respond to them all.
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Let me know what you think, your words mean the world to me! :)