Spike was lying on his back in the large bed, staring up at the ceiling. He was all alone; Buffy wasn’t there. It was his own fault, of course, he had driven her away. Just like he knew he would, sooner or later. There had been times when he had hoped, almost been able to convince himself that things were finally looking up for him. But deep down, a part of him had still doubted.
He realized that Buffy had every right to be upset with him for just taking off like that, but what was he supposed to have done? Wake her up and tell her that he had to get out of here, that he felt like he was losing his mind and just needed to run as far away as possible? Like that wouldn’t freak her out just the same. Of course, he hadn’t gotten very far, just to the nearest open bar, but at the time, he had felt an almost desperate need to get away. And now he was paying the price, just like he knew he would. Because Buffy wasn’t there.
Once, he had told Buffy that he didn’t want to sit around and wait for Ethan to show up again. But as the days went by, he soon realized that he didn’t know how to do anything else. Because the man would come back. The question was just when. And that was the problem; Spike had no idea, had no way of knowing. How could he possibly be prepared for a final confrontation if he didn’t know when it would take place? And of course, Ethan had to be aware of that as well. In fact, that had probably been his plan all along. Because he would want to catch Spike off guard.
And as the days passed, the more paranoid he got. He wished he had been able to track Ethan down himself, take him off guard instead of the other way around. Because not being able to do anything but wait for his tormentor to return was slowly driving him insane. A part of him wanted to talk to Buffy about it, but at the same time, he didn’t know how to begin. And more importantly; he was ashamed.
As far as Buffy was concerned, things were finally going in the right direction for him, for both of them. So how could he possibly tell her that he was barely hanging in there, that it was taking just about every little ounce of energy he had to stay on the right side of crazy? He didn’t want to push Buffy away again, he needed her, but he felt like his life was once again spinning out of control and there was nothing he could do about it. And now, here he was; alone. Buffy wasn’t there.
His nightmares had also changed over the last couple of nights. Sure, he still dreamed of Ethan, pinning him down on the floor and holding him in place while he fucked him, over and over again until he was convinced he would either pass out from the pain or simply go insane. But more and more often, he also dreamed of killing him. Lots of times, and in lots of different ways. The only problem was, no matter how many times Spike managed to kill him, Ethan would always come back.
Tonight, just before he had woken up in panic and just felt the urge to run as far away as possible, he’d had a gun. In reality, Spike had never held a gun in his hand in his entire life, but for some reason, he had known exactly how to use it. The moment Ethan pulled out of him with a pleased groan and he had felt the familiar, disgusting feeling of warm fluid dripping down his trembling legs, Spike had scrambled to his feet and pulled the trigger, shooting the bastard right between his legs so he would never be able to slam that fucking cock into him again.
He had expected there to be blood, lots of blood and screaming, but for some reason, Ethan never fell down dead on the floor when Spike killed him. Instead he always remained standing there for a while, glaring at him accusingly before finally disappearing into a cloud of dust, like he wasn’t even human. And right then and there, for a short, wonderful moment, Spike was finally free. Until the nightmare would start over and he had to find a new way to kill that monster, all over again. But even if he managed to kill him and got to experience that brief moment of peace, it was still just a dream. Because in real life, Ethan would still be out there when he woke up.
Spike supposed he was being selfish; Buffy had to be suffering as well. He realized how worried she must have been when she had woken up and he hadn’t been there. Sure, he had tried to apologize, but what good would that do? He had needed to go, so he had left. Because it was always about him and his needs. Now he remembered asking Buffy how she could put up with him. She said he made her happy. But she sure hadn’t been happy tonight. She said she loved him. But was that really enough? Were they just fooling themselves into thinking that their love could ever be enough?
Sitting up with a sigh, Spike glanced towards the closed door, leading out to the living room. Was Buffy asleep? Was she still angry with him? Was she even still here? Maybe she had decided that she’d had enough, and left. And in that case, would she come back? Or had she finally realized that maybe she would be better off without him after all? And if she had, how would he possibly be able to survive without her? Squeezing his eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling, Spike tried to listen for any sign indicating that Buffy was still in the apartment. But all he got was silence.
A part of him desperately wanted to go out there and check, but at the same time, he was terrified of finding out that he was right and she would be gone. Letting out a shuddering breath, he forced himself to lay back down. And what if Buffy was still there, then what would he do? Tell her that he needed her, plead with her to forgive him and beg her to come back to bed with him so she could chase the monsters away? How more pathetic could he get? Sure, Buffy had been so sweet and understanding so far, but he couldn’t help but wish that he could be stronger, for her sake if not for his own. Because in the long run, no girl could possibly want to settle with a guy who had to depend on her to make it through the night.
If she hadn’t left yet, maybe he should be the one to end things and walk away from her, for her own good. Right! He would have laughed at that thought, had he not been so utterly miserable. There was no way he could ever be that strong, even if he had wanted to. For years, he had been convinced that he was unable to love at all. Then he met Buffy and learned that he had been wrong. But now it turned out that he was Love’s Bitch; he had no control over this relationship. All he could do was enjoy it while it lasted and wait for Buffy to realize that he was in fact not the one for her after all. She was the one with the power here, not him. And it was just a matter of time before she would use that power to break his heart. Because sooner or later, no matter how hard he tried not to, he would eventually drive her to that. Against his will, he would manage to push her away for good, if he hadn’t already.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
No, you're not just seeing things, this is the second update this week. I know, this is not the story I was supposed to update now but what can I say? I just had a huge argument with my muse, who refused to let me write on HSO and insisted on me writing another chapter of this story instead. Hope you won't mind. :)
Chapter End Notes:
I didn't want this. Really, I begged my muse to give Spike and Buffy a break for a while, but she just laughed at me. ;)