Buffy let out a shuddering breath and snuggled closer to Spike, gently running her fingers up and down his arm. “Don’t do that again.”
He shifted a little on the bed so he could look at her. “I won’t. Said I was sorry.”
“Yeah.” She was quiet for a moment, not sure of what else to say. They had gotten up from the floor and moved over to the bed, although Buffy was certain that she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. Not that it mattered now, though, all she could care about was the fact that she was finally back where she belonged; in Spike’s bed, wrapped up in his arms.
Spike hadn’t said much since they had returned to the bed. Now he just put his head back down at her shoulder, tightening his grip around her. He was clinging to her almost desperately, as if he feared that she would suddenly just disappear should he let go of her, even for a moment. Finally, Buffy couldn’t take it anymore. “Spike, please, just talk to me.”
He didn’t answer at first, in fact, he was silent for so long that Buffy started to think that he wouldn’t. Finally he spoke, quietly; “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know.” She swallowed. “Anything.”
He nodded, letting out the breath he had been holding. “I’m sorry.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Except that.” She felt him tense up slightly, but he remained silent. She sighed. “You’re stuck with me, you know.” He pulled back a little, giving her a questioning look, and she went on; “Spike, I’m not going anywhere. You can push me away all you like, and I will still be here.” She paused. “I don’t know who you’re trying to protect; me or yourself, but I don’t really care. You should know that by now.”
Spike just stared at her for a moment, and she wished she had a way of knowing what was going through his mind. Then he lowered his eyes. “Don’t mean to push you away.”
“Maybe not. But you do.” Buffy desperately tried to keep the tears from falling. She failed. “Spike, please tell me what to do.”
He looked up again, his eyes widening when he noticed her tears. “Buffy, what…?”
She went on, ignoring his interruption; “Tell me what to do to help you, to make things better. Because I don’t know how, and if you won’t talk to me… I know something’s bothering you, don’t even try to deny it!” She let out a frustrated sob. “God, Spike, it’s killing me to see you like this!”
Spike sat up abruptly, a horrified expression on his face. “Buffy, I never meant…”
“I know!” Buffy sat up as well, putting both her hands on his shoulders. “I know you never meant to hurt me. But don’t you see? I’m hurting when you’re hurting. Because I love you.” His bottom lip was trembling now, and she gently stroke his cheek. “Why did you just leave like that?”
Spike shrugged, struggling to keep his emotions under control. “Had to get out of here.”
“Why?” He tried to pull away but she kept her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Did you have another nightmare? Was it about Ethan again?”
“Of course it’s about Ethan!” Spike let out a bitter laugh. “It’s always about him. He’s ruined my whole bloody life and he’s still out there.” He was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know when he’ll be back, but he will.”
“Spike…” Buffy reached for his hand, giving him a firm look. “I won’t let him hurt you again.”
Spike was touched by her words, but let out a tired sigh, frustrated that she would think that he just feared for himself. “What if I can’t stop him from hurting you?”
Buffy looked at him for a moment, understanding finally dawning on her. “Oh.” She swallowed. “Spike, please, don’t worry about me. He’s not gonna hurt me. He’s not gonna hurt either one of us.”
“Yeah, I hear you say it, but…” Spike hesitated. “Buffy, you don’t know him. Hell, he came all the way from London to find me, he wouldn’t just give up now.”
“Are you sure?” Seeing that he was about to interrupt, Buffy raised her hand to stop him. “Just hear me out. What I meant was; what if you were not the one he was trying to find? Maybe he really came here looking for…”
“My mum.” Spike got a thoughtful expression on his face, then shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. Even if it was true, he’s here now and he’s not going anywhere.” He rolled his eyes, a bitter note in his voice as he went on; “I mean, why would he settle with just breaking my mother when he could get both of us?”
“Don’t say that.” Buffy gave him a pleading look. “Spike, your mom was sick. You know that, right? She could never stand up to him. But you’re not like her.” She gave his hand a small squeeze. “Spike, you’re so much stronger than that. You’re not gonna let him break you. I believe in you.”
He shook his head in denial. “I’m not strong, Buffy. Don’t you see? I’m already a bloody wreck, and he hasn’t even showed up yet. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. “You know what he used to do?” She shook her head. “Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and I could hear him, just outside my room. Always just standing there, waiting. He was breathing hard, never bothering to be discrete. Because that would ruin the fun; he wanted me to know he was there.”
“Spike…” Buffy gently stroke the back of his hand with her thumb. “You don’t have to…”
Spike went on like he hadn’t even heard her. “I forced myself to stay awake for hours, listening for some sign that he was still there. Finally I was half convinced that he had to be gone, because he would have to be crazy to just stand out there for so long, right? But the thing was, I could never know for sure.” He inhaled, shakily. “And the moment I dared to relax, thinking that he wouldn’t come in that night, that’s when he always opened the door. Just like he knew.”
Buffy felt like she was going to be sick. “Oh, sweetie…”
“Don’t you see?” Spike ran a trembling hand over her hair. “He’s doing it again, Buffy. He’s out there, waiting. And the moment I relax and tell myself that he might have given up…” He stopped then, not able to go on. Instead he just looked at her, silently pleading with her to understand.
Buffy pulled him into her arms, holding him close as his body started to shake with hard, uncontrollable sobs. She was crying now, too, because she could feel his fear and pain, rolling off him in waves. “I’m here, baby, I’m right here. It’s gonna be okay,” she mumbled, over and over again, rocking him gently in her arms. She didn’t know how long they just sat there until he finally started to calm down, nor did she care. Instead she just shifted slightly on the bed and slid down under the covers, pulling him with her.
Spike didn’t object, just curled up on his side next to her and buried his face against her neck, his arms still around her in a tight grip. He closed his eyes as she started stroking his hair. “Can we rest now?” he whispered, his voice hoarse from crying.
“Yeah.” Buffy sniffled a little, quickly wiping away her tears. “We can rest. You can relax now; I’ll protect you.” She almost expected him to snort, insisting that if anyone needed protection, it would be her. But he didn’t say anything more and a moment later, he had fallen asleep in her arms.
Buffy on the other hand was unable to go back to sleep, countless thoughts kept rushing through her mind. She didn’t expect Ethan to show up tonight, but if he would, she would gladly kill him with her bare hands. It all just seemed so hopeless; she feared that Spike was right after all and that it was just a matter of time before that monster would return. It was simply horrible how Ethan could do so much damage and just get away with it. She knew that Spike would never go to the police, and even if she would, she had no way of proving anything. If only there was something she could do…
Suddenly her eyes snapped open as an idea had just occurred to her. Maybe there was something she could do after all. She wouldn’t be able to pull it off all by herself, though, she needed help. Luckily, she knew just the right person for that. Maybe it was crazy, probably was, but still. Maybe, just maybe, it was so crazy that it might actually work.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I now have the rest of the story almost completely figured out in my head. Yay! *lol* I'm thinking somewhere around 10 more chapters, but you can never know for sure. Thanks for all your reviews!
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