For a brief moment, Ethan seemed to be in a state of shock. However, he quickly recovered. It was obvious that the older man had a hard time trying to control his anger, but somehow managed to remain calm, something that made Spike feel even more uncomfortable than if he would have lost it. He had almost preferred an outburst. That, he could handle. But the only reaction he got now was that eerie smile, slowly spreading on Ethan’s face. A smile that never reached his eyes.
Spike took a hesitant step back, lowering his eyes to the floor. Who the hell was he kidding? He would never win this battle; he was just not strong enough. Physically, he may be just as strong as Ethan by now, if not stronger. After all, he had spent the last couple of years beating people up, possibly in a subconscious attempt to mentally prepare himself for the final, inevitable confrontation with his stepfather, a confrontation he had, deep down, always known would come.
But now he couldn’t help but wonder if it had all been for nothing. Dreaming of justice and revenge was one thing, but suddenly he realized that physical strength didn’t mean much if Ethan had the ability to crush whatever barely existent ounce of self esteem he had managed to regain after years and years of abuse, in just a blink of an eye. Or, in this case, with a cruel smile.
Spike didn’t want to admit it, but he suspected that all Ethan would have to do was keep looking at him, calmly, with those cold eyes, the expression on his face clearly saying that this was a man who knew exactly what he was doing, a man who had all the time in the world, and no matter what, he would get what he wanted in the end. Because they were playing by Ethan’s rules; always had, and always would. And there was nothing Spike could do about it. It was just the way it was.
In one of his countless nightmares, he’d had a gun. Now Spike feared that in reality, Ethan would have been able to take the gun away from him without a single word. Because the moment his tormentor was standing in front of him, it was just a matter of time before he would once again be reduced to a terrified child, whose only coherent thought would be to hide. Hide, and hope to survive.
He had punched Ethan without thinking, an act of pure impulse, and it had felt good. Hell, better than good, it had felt bloody wonderful. But he had expected the man to do something, maybe try to get in a punch in return. Spike realized that he wanted a fight. Not just wanted, he needed it. Then the adrenaline rush would kick in and make it possible for him to stand up to Ethan, to defend himself.
Instead Spike just stood there, frozen. And, of course, Ethan knew what he was doing. To him, it was all a game. A game he intended to win. And he didn’t for a second doubt that he would. Because this man didn’t just know the rules, he invented them. Spike suddenly felt sick. He wanted to run. But at the same time, he was so bloody tired of running.
“That’s it?” Ethan shook his head in mock surprise. “After everything I have done, here’s your big chance to get back at me. And what do I get? One pathetic punch in the face. I have to say, William, I’m deeply disappointed in you. But then on the other hand, you have always been a disappointment, both to me and your mother.”
Spike stared at him in disbelief. “You want me to hit you?” Ethan just laughed, and he clenched his fists. Still a game, always a game. Only difference was, to Ethan, the prize was simply amusement. To him, it was about survival. And the bonus prize would be for him to be able to keep his sanity in the process.
Ethan got a thoughtful look on his face, clearly aware of Spike’s inner struggles. “You want to hurt me. Hurt me the way I have hurt you. But you are afraid. Because if you hurt me, you might enjoy it. And wouldn’t that make you a little bit like me?” He paused before answering his own question. “Sure it will! You are terrified that you will end up getting off on the pain you could cause others. Just like me.” His eyes were burning like fire, but Spike found himself unable to look away. Ethan chuckled. “I can read you like a book, William. And it’s tragic.”
“Why are you doing this?! Why can’t you just get the fuck out of here and leave me alone?!” Spike felt the last of his self control fly out the window. His fear had, at least for the moment, subsided for fury and desperation.
“Why?” Ethan didn’t look the least bit taken aback by Spike’s outburst. He seemed to seriously consider the question for a moment. “Is that rhetorical, or do you actually expect an answer?”
Spike closed his eyes, feeling the tears burning behind his eyelids. How could he possibly have thought that he would ever be able to face this sadistic bastard and walk away like a winner? No matter what he did, Ethan would always have the upper hand. Taking a deep breath, he struggled to get his emotions under control. Much to his horror, he failed. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?! You’ve already ruined my whole bloody life! Isn’t that enough?” He was unable to stop the tears of fury and frustration from streaming down his face.
“Please…” Ethan suddenly looked annoyed. “Stop being so dramatic.” He sighed. “You really want to know the reason behind my actions? Why I chose to hurt you in the first place?” A pause. “You know what? Why don’t you just guess, and I’ll tell you if you are close?” He let out an amused giggle, clearly pleased with his idea.
Glaring at him, Spike angrily wiped away his tears. He had never wanted to hurt Ethan so much as in that very moment. He wanted to kill the monster standing in front of him with his bare hands, and he knew he would enjoy it. And that was the only thing holding him back.
Seeing Spike’s reaction, Ethan rolled his eyes. “You never had any sense of humor.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Spike stared at him. “You hit me and raped me for more than ten bloody years! I was just a kid!” A choked sob escaped his throat. “Why?!”
“Oh, for the love of God, would you stop blubbering?!” Ethan got an exasperated look on his face. “Why do you think?” He let out another sigh, clearly bored. “Because I could, that’s why. Because I knew you were too weak and pathetic to tell anyone, and because I knew I could break you and get away with it. And it was so easy.” He was quiet for a moment. “Your mother on the other hand… She was much more difficult to deal with. But in the end, I got her. I made her see who was in charge.”
“You made her kill herself.” Spike swallowed. ”You might as well have killed her yourself, you know that, right?”
“Of course.” Ethan smirked. “But why would I want to get my hands dirty when she did such a good job all by herself?” Spike opened his mouth, but Ethan beat him to it; “You know, give me some time to work on Buffy, and I’m sure it could get really interesting. Not too much of a challenge, though. She might be feisty, I’ll give you that, but she’s obviously not very smart. One could almost say she’s too stupid for her own good.”
Spike stopped dead in his tracks, suddenly feeling like he couldn’t breathe. “What the bloody hell are you talking about?”
“Oh, you didn’t know?” Ethan pretended to be surprised. “Your girlfriend stopped by earlier, deciding to pay me a little visit. I still don’t know what her intentions were, but I guess I’ll find out later.” He let out a cold laugh. “Not like she’s going anywhere, if you know what I mean…”
“What did you do?!” Spike grabbed Ethan by the collar of his jacket, shoving him up, hard, against the wall. “What the fuck did you do to Buffy?!”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I had a hard time getting started with this chapter. Damn muse refused to cooperate. But once I managed to start writing, the words just kept coming. I hope you'll like it. :)