Closing the door quietly behind her, Buffy let out the breath she had been holding. “That went well, I guess...” Her voice trailed off as she glanced at Spike, who had already entered the apartment. “Spike, are you...?”
“Fine,” he stated, automatically, interrupting her before she could finish the sentence. He shrugged out of his coat and dropped it on a chair.
Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again, having no idea what to say. They had just spent the last couple of hours at the police station, answering to what felt like a million questions, and now she was beyond tired. She felt like she hadn’t slept in a week, and she could only imagine how Spike must be feeling. But now they were back at his apartment. Finally they would be able to rest.
Of course, no matter how exhausted she was, right now she didn’t think she would be able to go to sleep even if her life depended on it. Spike had hardly said two words since they had left the station and, not wanting to push him, she had left him alone. A part of her still had a hard time taking in what had happened today, and she felt like her head was spinning. Ethan was dead. It was finally over. Glancing at Spike again, she suddenly felt uncertain. It was over, wasn’t it?
When he suddenly spoke, she nearly jumped. “Maybe you should go back to your house tonight.”
Buffy stared at him, but he refused to meet her eyes. She swallowed. “You don’t want me to stay here?”
“Your mum’s probably worried about you.” He clearly avoided her question, and she just felt like crying. Was this how Spike was going to deal with the situation? By once again withdrawing from her?
“Spike, I...” Buffy hesitated. What could she possibly say? She didn’t even know where to begin. Inhaling shakily, she took a step towards him, then stopped. “I don’t wanna leave,” she finally mumbled. “Can’t we just...?”
“What?” Spike let out a tired sigh. “You wanna talk, is that it? Sorry. Really not in a mood.”
“I just wanna be with you!” She blinked away the tears, refusing to start crying. “Spike, I lo...”
”Don’t!” Spike glared at her. “Don’t say it. I can’t do this right now.” He turned away from her and walked over to the couch, putting some distance between them.
“So, that’s it?” Buffy lowered her eyes, having never felt more miserable in her life. “You blame me for what happened, and this is how you’re gonna punish me?”
“What?!” He spun around, staring at her in disbelief. “Are you daft?!”
“I’m sorry!” She was no longer able to keep the tears from falling. “I never should’ve gone there by myself, I realize that now.”
“Bloody right, you shouldn’t have!” Spike started pacing the room, then stopped. “What the hell were you thinking?! He could’ve killed you!”
“I wasn’t thinking!” Buffy tried to force back a sob. “I just wanted to help!”
He was quiet for a moment. “Shouldn’t have done that,” he finally muttered. “I’m not worth it.”
Suddenly feeling anger well up inside her, Buffy glared at him. “Don’t you think that’s up to me to decide?” He opened his mouth to object, but she raised a hand to stop him. “Spike, I’m sorry for going behind your back like that, I really am. But I believed I was doing the right thing. I really thought I could make a difference, that I could help you. And I won’t apologize for that.”
For a moment, Spike just looked at her in astonishment. Then he let out a defeated sigh and slumped down on the couch. “Buffy...”
“You know what?” Buffy interrupted him. “I know I was being reckless, but I would probably do the same thing all over again if I had to.” She paused with a frown. “Well, maybe not exactly the same thing, ‘cause the whole ‘getting hit in the head by a bottle’ thing – not very nice.”
Seeing how his eyes darkened, she quickly went on; “The point is; it was my decision. I’m the reason Ethan was able to hurt both of us today. And I’m sorry about that, too. But Spike...” She hesitated for a moment before sitting down on the couch next to him, waiting until he would meet her eyes. “He’s gone now. He can’t hurt any of us, ever again.”
“Didn’t mean to kill him.” Spike closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, they were so full of pain and anguish that Buffy nearly wept. “But I did, and I’m glad he’s gone. I killed a man, and I don’t feel bad about it. Doesn’t that make me...?” He stopped, not able to finish. Instead he just lowered his eyes to the floor.
“You’re nothing like him, Spike.” Buffy put her hand on his arm, wishing he would look at her. “And you didn’t kill him. He was the one who tried to hurt you. Again. All you did was defending yourself. You shouldn’t feel bad about that. It doesn’t make you a bad person. And just for the record; I’m glad he’s gone, too.” She paused. “Even Officer Gunn believed you, remember? You were acting out of self defense. Ethan was sick. He was the one who broke into your apartment, bringing a knife. There’s not even gonna be a trial.”
Spike let out a shuddering breath. “Still can’t believe he’s really gone. I thought...” He hesitated, not sure how to even begin to explain how he felt. How could he, when he didn’t understand it himself?
“What?” Buffy slowly ran her fingers down his arm before taking his hand, squeezing it softly. “Spike, please, talk to me.”
Letting out a frustrated groan, Spike pulled his hand away and jumped up from the couch. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Buffy got up as well, silently begging him not to push her away again. “I just want you to tell me what you’re feeling right now.”
“Yeah, well, can’t.” Spike rolled his eyes. “’Cause I don’t bloody know!” Grabbing an empty glass from the table, he furiously threw it into the wall, causing Buffy to gasp. His eyes darted around the room in a desperate search for more things to smash. When he didn’t find anything, he failed to hold back a choked sob. “Buffy, I don’t know how to do it.”
She approached him, slowly. “How to do what, sweetie?”
“Get over it.” Spike laughed, bitterly. “What the fuck’s wrong with me? He’s dead, I should...” He stopped, taking a step back when she tried to put her arms around him. “Don’t. Don’t touch me. I can’t...” He swallowed, hard. “He hurt you. Could’ve lost you. I can’t do this.”
“Spike, listen to me.” Buffy looked him deep into the eyes, praying that she would be able to get through to him. “You didn’t lose me. I’m fine. We’re both fine.” Seeing that he was about to object, she went on; “And now, it’s time to move on. Ethan’s dead. Don’t let him keep ruining your life. It’s over now.” A pause. “And just so you know... I’m staying here tonight. Whether you like it or not. We’ll get through this, I promise. Together.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
To those of you who're still with me and keep letting me know; can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I feel like a lot of people are losing interest in this story and I guess I could try to wrap it up a bit sooner than I had first intended. But at the same time, I don't want to. There are still some loose ends that needs to be tied and I don't really wanna rush things just to get it over with. To those of you who're lurking; please take a moment to let me know what you think. Your reviews is what keeps me writing, there wouldn't be a story without them. I have to admit, I'm amazed at all the positive response this story has gotten and it makes me incredibly happy. I would just really hate to lose my readers now when we've gotten this far.