He had always wished he was stronger, though, that he would have found the strength to stand up to his tormentor years ago. Of course, some times he had. But only in his mind. Because in reality, every time he had found himself standing face to face with Ethan, he had been reduced to a terrified child, unable to do anything but silently accept what was coming and pray to survive. And every time, he hated himself a little more for it.
And now it was over. Ethan was dead. The man would never be able to lay a hand on him again. He was finally free, free to start living the life that had been taken away from him before he was old enough to realize what he was missing. And now, the mere thought scared him half to death. What if he couldn’t do it? What if it was already too late? Sure, Ethan may be gone, but unfortunately, the painful memories of a childhood filled with nothing but fear and abuse wouldn’t go away that easily.
Suddenly, Spike got the strange feeling that Buffy already knew all of this. He may not be able to put his confused and fearful thoughts into words, but somehow, she seemed to know him a hell of a lot better than he knew himself. He had learned to turn his emotions and feelings off a long time ago, and somewhere on the way, he had forgotten how to turn them back on. But the feelings were still there, buried deep inside of him, and now he realized that Buffy was the key to bringing them back out. If he would only let her, that was.
Now she was watching him, carefully, obviously waiting for him to take the next step, and he let out the breath he had been holding. Maybe he didn’t know how to go on from here, but he did know that he couldn’t do it without Buffy. Bringing her hand up to his lips, he pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles. “I’m sorry,” he finally whispered.
She squeezed his hand, softly. “Sorry for what?”
Spike looked away for a moment, suddenly embarrassed. “For being a git. Again.” He paused. “Didn’t mean what I said before. I don’t want you to leave.”
“I know.” Despite her words, Buffy looked relieved. Then she suddenly became uncertain. “Do you... wanna talk about what happened?”
“No.” Seeing how she was about to say something, he quickly went on; “Not right now. Maybe later. I just...” He hesitated. “Buffy, I’m so bloody tired. Not just because of what happened today, but...” He stopped, not knowing how to explain. But when he looked into her eyes, he realized that he didn’t have to. She already understood.
“It’s okay.” Buffy gave him a small smile. Then she reached out her hand towards his face, but suddenly seemed to hesitate and pulled back. “Spike, I...”
Before she could finish, Spike pulled her into his arms, burying his face against her neck and inhaling her sweet scent. She immediately wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. For a couple of minutes, they just stood like that, neither of them wanting to let go. Then, hit by a wave of exhaustion, his legs suddenly failed to support him and he slid down to the floor, pulling Buffy with him. Clinging to each other almost desperately, they sat in silence on the floor, arms still around each other and slowly rocking back and forth.
Suddenly realizing that he had become completely still in her arms, Buffy pulled back a little, wondering if he had fallen asleep. “Spike?”
He blinked, sleepily, giving her an apologetic look. “Sorry, pet. Guess I’m even more knackered than I realized.”
Buffy hesitated for a moment. “Are you sure you wanna stay here tonight? We could always go to my house.” A pause. “Or to a hotel.”
Giving her suggestion a brief moment’s thought, Spike nodded, relieved. They had chosen to come back here to his apartment instead of going to her house, since Buffy was pretty certain that Joyce would be home, and none of them were in a mood for answering any more questions tonight. But now, the idea of spending another minute, let alone another night in the apartment made him feel sick. “Hotel sounds good.” He paused. “Don’t think I can stay here. Need a new place.”
She nodded in understanding. “I know what you mean. Too much has happened here. But we’ll deal with that tomorrow. Let’s just get out of here and find a place to stay for the night.” He nodded in agreement.
About an hour later, Buffy looked around the large hotel room with wide eyes. She had never been there before and hadn’t expected anything nearly that fancy, but since their only other option had been the Sunnydale Motor Inn, it was safe to say that she was beyond relieved. She couldn’t help but shudder at the thought of having to go back there, knowing that Hell would freeze over before she would ever set foot in that disgusting place again.
Spike glanced at her. “You hungry? Could order something from the room service if you want.”
She thought about it for a moment, then shook her head. “I’m not that hungry. Just tired.” She paused. “And in a desperate need for a shower. How ‘bout you?”
He shook his head as well. “Think I’ll just turn in. Feels like I haven’t slept for a year.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling.” Buffy failed to hold back a yawn. “I’ll just take a quick shower, and then I’ll join you.” She hesitated for a moment. “Spike?” He gave her a questioning look. “I love you.” Before he got the chance to say anything, she quickly slipped into the bathroom.
Spike remained standing in the middle of the room for a moment, staring at the spot where Buffy had just been. Suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it wasn’t too late after all. After everything they had been through since they first met, amazingly enough, Buffy was still here. He still wasn’t sure how to get over what happened and move on with his life, but at least as long as he had Buffy, he didn’t have to figure it out all by himself. He wasn’t alone anymore. And maybe, just maybe, he never would be again.
TBC