At first, Buffy didn’t know what it was that had caused her to wake up. The room was dark and chilly, and she wanted nothing more than to just go back to sleep. Suddenly she realized that she was alone in the large bed, and for a moment, she panicked. Then her eyes landed on Spike, sitting in one of the armchairs over by the window, and she let out a sigh of relief. “Spike?”
He shifted a little in the chair, turning to look at her. “Right here, pet.”
She sat up, the concern evident on her face. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing.” He was quiet for a moment. “Couldn’t sleep, so I got up. Didn’t wanna wake you.”
Eyes darting over the bed, Buffy grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around her before going over to him. “You okay?” He didn’t answer. Instead he just reached out for her hand and pulled her down in his lap, wrapping his arms around her. Snuggling close to him, Buffy gently pressed her cheek against his. For a moment, they just sat there in silence. Then she felt him shiver in her arms, and started rubbing his back. “Sweetie, you’re cold. Why don’t we just go back to bed?”
He shook his head. “I’m fine.” The look on her face clearly indicated that she was not convinced, and he let out a sigh, pulling back from her a little. “What do you want me to say? I’d rather stay here, but if you wanna sleep some more...”
She interrupted him. “I don’t.”
“Fine, then.” Spike became silent, getting up from the chair and looking out the window. He didn’t want to see the hurt look on Buffy’s face, knowing perfectly well that he was the reason behind it. Right now, he preferred not thinking at all. It was easier that way. The only problem was, trying to block out all the thoughts that kept rushing through his mind turned out to be next to impossible. He had managed to get a few hours of sleep so far during the night, but that was pretty much it.
The last thing he wanted to do was going back to his apartment, although he knew that sooner or later, he would have to. A part of him longed to take Buffy and get the hell out of this town; get as far away as possible and never look back. Maybe then, he would finally be able to let go of the past and move on, once and for all.
Yet another part of him was too emotionally drained to even want to think about taking such a huge step for the second time, and would gladly stay the rest of his life here in the safe little bubble he had created for himself, where he could spend the rest of his time in a blissful numbness. Or, to be more accurate; what little time he had left before everything would finally come crashing down on him and he would go insane. At least maybe then he would get some peace.
“Feels like my head’s ‘bout to explode,” he muttered, realizing too late that he had spoken the words out loud. Glancing at Buffy, he could see that she was about to say something, and quickly went on, not giving her the chance to speak; “Buffy, please, I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Seeing her eyes narrowing, he let out a tired sigh. “I’m not trying to push you away, either. I just... Can’t we just...?” He stopped, suddenly at a loss for words.
Of course, deep down he knew that he couldn’t avoid talking to Buffy forever. He realized that she was worried about him, and a little voice inside his head kept screaming at him to just tell her what she wanted to hear and then be done with it. But for some reason, he couldn’t. Not because he didn’t trust her, but because he had no idea where to even begin. His confused and screwed up thoughts didn’t make any sense in his own head, so how could he possibly be able to explain them to Buffy?
“Come back to bed? Please, Spike? We don’t have to talk.” He noticed that her voice was trembling. “I just don’t know what to...” Buffy hesitated. “What do you wanna do? What do you want me to do?” She swallowed. “Please tell me, because I just don’t know.”
Spike had to bite back a bitter laugh, realizing the irony of it all. During the last couple of months, Buffy had become his rock; the only good and solid thing in his life, and she was the reason why he had managed to keep fighting and not just given up a long time ago. But now, after everything that had happened, of course Buffy had to be just as uncertain and confused as he was. He wanted to tell her that it was okay, that her just being there was enough, but the words wouldn’t come.
He wanted to run. And at the same time, he wanted to take Buffy in his arms, hold her close and never let go. He wanted to talk to her; share every single thought and emotion with her and beg her to help him figure out what it all meant. But he also wanted to just push it all to the farthest back of his mind, lock the door and throw away the key. He didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of his tragic past, but he also knew that he would never be able to let it go if he didn’t. And that was what scared him.
Now he closed his eyes in a desperate attempt of trying to clear his head. He was torn between wanting to yell, curse and smash things, or just break down and weep. Suddenly it was all becoming too much for him to handle, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was finally hitting him; memories of everything that had happened, ever since he was just a little kid, was now welling over him all at once, with a force that made him feel like he was choking.
“Spike?”
Buffy was touching his arm, gently, but he quickly took a step back and shook her hand off him. “Gotta get out of here,” he mumbled.
“What?” Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “No! Don’t even think about going somewhere. Just talk to me! What’s wrong?” She reached out for him but he shook his head, stubbornly backing away from her. “Dammit, Spike, don’t do this! Just let me help you.”
“You can’t!” Standing in the middle of the room, Spike felt the walls closing in on him and he tried to fight back the panic that threatened to well up inside him and consume him. “Need to get out, can’t fucking breathe in here...” He gave Buffy a pleading look, silently begging her to understand.
Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. She didn’t say anything. Instead, she just looked at him with wide eyes, her face a mixture of hurt and confusion, and Spike knew then that she wouldn’t try to stop him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, hoarsely, before rushing past her, feeling her eyes on his back as he bolted through the door and out into the night.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm sorry about the delay. I was going to post this chapter two days ago, but then something went wonky with my internet - again, and I wasn't able to get online. Sometimes, I really hate computers. I swear, I was this close *measuring between fingers* to just throw the damn thing through the window. But now it's working again, for some reason. *phew* Oh, and I'm so getting a laptop! Ok, enough with the ramblings; here's the next chapter.
Chapter End Notes:
Before you start throwing things at me, let me just tell you this: This is not me being evil. Much. ;) This is just me taking this story in the final, necessary direction. Keep having faith in me, and trust me when I say that the worst part is over. Unless, of course, I get a whole bunch of new ideas how to torture the poor kids some more... :)