Leaning against the railing of the bridge, Spike watched the dark river below. The night was silent, and for a moment, the whole world seemed completely peaceful. Too bad that feeling couldn’t last. He took a couple of deep breaths, enjoying the feeling of the cold, fresh air against his face. Suddenly he felt a presence behind him, and tensed up. Glancing over his shoulder, he relaxed when he spotted Buffy, standing a few feet away and watching him, warily. Though she remained silent, and he let out a sigh, turning his attention back to the almost black water. “Not gonna jump, if that’s what you think.”
She didn’t answer. Spike turned around, and realized that she was silently crying. He closed his eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling like the biggest git in the world; a feeling he had come to be most familiar with. “Buffy, I...”
“Don’t.” She interrupted him, her voice trembling. “Are you okay?”
He was far from okay, but one look at Buffy’s tear-stained face, and the guilt made him feel an almost desperate need to convince her otherwise. So he nodded. “Yeah, m’fine,” he mumbled.
Instead of looking relieved, like he had expected, Buffy’s eyes narrowed and she watched him closely, obviously understanding perfectly well that he was just putting up an act for her. He realized that she really did know him better than he knew himself, and wasn’t sure if he should find that comforting, or disturbing. Lowering his eyes, he stubbornly blinked away the tears threatening to fall. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, letting out a shaky breath.
“Spike...” Buffy took a hesitant step towards him, then stopped, clearly not sure what to do, and Spike was torn between wanting to go to her, or putting even more distance between them. He had never felt more confused in his life. “Why do you keep lying to me?” she suddenly asked, giving him an accusing look, and all he could do was shrug in response. Buffy let out a sigh. “Don’t know how much more of this I can take,” she mumbled.
Spike was quiet for a moment, and when he finally spoke, his voice was barely more than a whisper. “What are you saying?” He kept his eyes on the ground, not daring to look at her.
At first, Buffy didn’t answer. Then she quickly wiped at her eyes. “Spike, look at me.” He reluctantly obeyed. “I love you. But let’s face it; it’s just not enough. You even said so yourself; I can’t help you.”
Looking at her with wide eyes, Spike shook his head in denial. “I – I didn’t mean...”
“Yes, you did.” Buffy took a deep breath, struggling to keep her voice steady. She needed to be honest with him, even though it was breaking her heart. This was something he needed to hear, no matter how painful it was, and she had to stay strong. Even if it was killing her. “Spike, I think you should start seeing a therapist.”
“What?!” He immediately shook his head, looking alarmed. “Buffy, I already told you...”
“Yeah, I know.” Their eyes met as she went on; “But you can’t go on like this. Don’t you see? Seeing you this way and not being able to help you is killing me. Eventually, it’s gonna tear us apart, and I don’t want that.” She rolled her eyes. “Dammit, Spike, I don’t wanna lose you!”
Spike swallowed. “Don’t make me do this, Buffy. Please, I...” He hesitated. “I’ll talk to you, all right? I’ll tell you anything you wanna know. But I just can’t pour my heart out to some complete stranger who gets paid to listen to my pathetic excuse for a life.”
“Gets paid to help you,” Buffy corrected, desperate to make him see things her way. “Don’t you see the difference?” He opened his mouth to object, but she went on; “Spike, there’s no shame in getting professional help. What are you so afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid! I just...” Spike stopped, not sure of what he was trying to say. He wanted nothing more than to finally be able to move on, but he just didn’t know if that was possible. Deep down, he knew that Buffy just meant well, but somehow, the idea of talking to a therapist felt like the ultimate humiliation. Besides, he didn’t think he would be able to go through all the painful details of his so called life again. He just wanted to forget about his past, not dwell on it even more. Why couldn’t Buffy just see that?
Then again, the mere thought of losing the only good thing he’d ever had in his life was even more terrifying than the idea of being forced to face his past one more time. With Buffy, he had gotten a second chance at life; a possible future. Without her, he had nothing. And even though he didn’t want to admit it, he knew that she was right. Sooner or later, it would tear them apart.
Well aware of his inner struggles, Buffy held her breath as she waited for him to come up with a decision. She knew that she was playing on his guilt, and a part of her felt bad about it, but she also knew that Spike would never even consider getting help unless he really thought that he had something to lose. And she was the only thing he would be genuinely afraid of losing. Besides, she hadn’t lied when she told him that the whole thing was killing her. When he had just stormed out of the hotel room earlier, she had never felt more helpless in her life. It was time for Spike to learn that his actions affected her as well.
Suddenly she got an idea. “What if I could go with you?” Seeing his confusion, she hurried to explain; “I mean, I know what happened to you, at least what you’ve told me. But that doesn’t make me automatically understand what you’ve been through.” She hesitated. “Honestly, I don’t think I can even begin to understand. And I want to.” Glancing at him, she was relieved to notice that she had his full attention, and went on; “When you’re hurting, I’m hurting. I once told you that we’ll get through this together, and I meant it. Besides, it would probably be good for me to talk to someone about all of this as well.” She paused. “If you don’t mind, that is.”
Spike remained silent for a moment, and she knew that he needed some time to let her words sink in. She also realized that he was seriously considering her offer. Still, she was almost afraid to get her hopes up. So, when he finally spoke, she mentally prepared herself for rejection. However, his next words surprised her. “You’d actually do that?” Buffy just nodded, suddenly afraid to speak. He cocked his head
to the side, obviously trying to decide if she was serious. “Still don’t wanna do this,” he mumbled, however, he no longer sounded completely against the idea.
“I know.” She looked him right in the eyes, praying that she was finally getting through to him.
“Bloody hell!” He let out a sigh of defeat, but kept his eyes locked on hers. “All right, fine. I’ll do it.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Someone said in a review that the Spuffy relationship in this story is progressing too slow, and it got me thinking. Maybe there are a lot more of you feeling that way. I must say that I've worked really hard to make their relationship evolve in a believable pace, since this story's dealing with such a heavy subject, and the last thing I wanna do is rush things. However, I really don't wanna bore anyone by making things move too slow, either. This story is slowly getting closer to the end, but there are still some issues left and I wish to deal with them the way I have planned. However, I'm not gonna blame anyone for not staying with me to the end, I understand that some people wants a little more... how should I put it? Action, in their stories. Anyway, just wanted to explain that this was my intention with this story from the beginning. Gonna stop now and let you get on with the reading. A huge thanks to those of you who are still enjoying this story! I really appreciate every single review I've gotten for this story so far.