”Hello? Spike, I’m back! Sorry for taking so long, I...” Closing the front door behind her, Buffy stopped with a frown as she looked around the empty living room. “Spike?”
“Right here, pet.” She spun around with a shriek, having not heard him walk up behind her, and he raised his hands in an apologetic gesture. “Sorry, luv. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
She glared at him for a moment as she pressed a hand to her chest, waiting for her heart to slow down. “God, don’t do that!”
“Said I was sorry, didn’t I?” He placed a soft kiss on her cheek before walking past her, slumping down on the couch. “How’d things go with your mates?”
“Good, I guess.” Buffy walked over to the couch, sitting down next to him and pulling her legs up underneath her. She got a thoughtful look on her face. “Probably gonna take a while, though, getting used to Xander being all... nice.” Spike let out an amused snort. She glanced around the room. “Gunn left?”
Spike nodded. “A while ago.”
Buffy waited for him to say something more, but he remained silent. She raised her brows, impatiently. “So? What did he have to say?”
He was quiet for a moment, not knowing how to begin. “He, um...”
She interrupted him, a look of concern on her face and a worried note in her voice; “Was it that bad? What did he say to you? I knew it! I should never have...”
“Buffy...” Spike rolled his eyes. “Will you just...?” He sighed. “I’m fine, all right? We just talked, is all. He told me some stuff.” A pause. “About Ethan.”
“What stuff?” She shifted a little on the couch, reaching for his hand.
Spike gave her hand a small squeeze and brought it up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles. When he finally spoke, he kept his eyes on their entwined hands. “There were others. Other kids, like me. He hurt ‘em, too.”
She looked at him for a moment, then swallowed. “I know.”
He looked up, startled, staring at her in confusion. “How?”
“Well, he said some things.” Buffy hesitated. “At his place, before he...” She waved her hand in dismissal, not wanting to think about how stupid she had been, letting Ethan take her off guard and knock her out. “He mentioned a girl. And a woman.” She paused. “I think he... I mean, he was vague about the details, but he made it sound like he...”
“Killed her?” Buffy nodded. Spike went on; “Gunn told me ‘bout it. Apparently, the bird was his sister.”
“Oh, God.” Buffy stared at him with wide eyes, almost afraid of asking the next question. “And the girl...?” She remembered Ethan’s words all too well, but hadn’t allowed herself to really take them in at the time. Now, she just wanted to cry. How many more innocent people had suffered because of that horrible man?
He absently let his fingers run up and down her arm, clearly needing to keep his hands occupied. “Staying with Gunn and his wife. He still doesn’t know everything, though, said the girl won’t talk about it. But he’s pretty sure Ethan raped her.” A pause. “Repeatedly.”
Having suspected as much, Buffy still failed to hold back a choked sob. How could anyone take pleasure in hurting little children like that? For a moment, she was sure she would be sick. Taking a few calming breaths, she slid her arm around Spike’s waist, resting her head on his shoulder. “Why did Gunn tell you this?”
Spike shrugged. At first, he didn’t answer. “Wants me to talk to her,” he finally mumbled. “Figured out I probably know what she’s going through.” He let out a bitter laugh.
Buffy was quiet for a moment. “Are you gonna do it?”
He pulled back a little, a disbelieving look on his face. “What the bloody hell would I say to her?” Buffy opened her mouth, but he went on; “She’s just a little kid, and he... He hurt her, over and over again, and when her mum started questioning him, he fucking killed her! And now Gunn seems to think that I can help her. That’s bollocks! Nothing I say could possibly make it better.” He sounded hostile, but Buffy noticed the way his bottom lip was trembling.
She reached out her hand, gently cupping his cheek. “Sweetie...”
Spike pulled back, angrily wiping his eyes. “I don’t know what he wants me to say. I’m no soddin’ shrink! What if I just make things worse?”
Buffy ran her fingers down his cheek, ignoring his weak attempt of pulling away from her. “It doesn’t matter what you say, baby, the point is; you do know what she’s going through. Maybe that’s all she needs. Sometimes, it helps just knowing that you’re not alone.”
He let out a snort, clearly not convinced. “Doesn’t change what happened.”
“You’re right, it doesn’t.” Buffy shook her head in agreement. “Just like nothing’s gonna change what Ethan did to you. I know you can’t change the past, no one can. But think about it. You had to go through it all alone. And now, you can make sure this little girl won’t have to. Don’t you see, honey? You can make a difference.” She kept stroking his face, holding her breath as she waited for his reaction.
Spike opened his mouth, then closed it again. He tilted his head to the side, allowing Buffy’s words to sink in. If anyone would have walked up to him when he was a kid, telling him they knew what was going on, would things have turned out differently? Chances were he would have just pushed them away, like he had with Buffy at first. But maybe, if they had been really persistent...
He had always been ashamed of what was happening in his room at night, blaming himself for what Ethan did to him. Of course, now he knew better, but he still suspected that a part of him would never be able to completely shake the feeling of guilt, having spent his entire life getting told how bad and worthless he was. Ethan had convinced him that he deserved nothing less than such a cruel punishment, and naturally, since no one had ever told him otherwise, Spike had soon come to believe him.
Spike suddenly realized that the man had probably done the same thing to little Emily. But the girl had been innocent, just like him. And if there was even the smallest chance that he could make her see that, before she would grow up as a broken shell of a human being, like he was, how could he even think about turning Gunn down? He couldn’t change what happened to this girl, true, but he could do his best to make sure she wouldn’t end up like him. He owed it to her, not to mention to himself, to at least try.
Now he looked at Buffy, and their eyes met. Spike realized that she was right. He really could make a difference. It was a scary thought, but at the same time, it felt good. Really good. Swallowing hard, he gave her a shaky smile, leaning into her touch. Buffy gave him a somewhat surprised look, then closed her eyes in relief as he pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. “I’ll give him a call.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Wow! I can't believe this story has gotten over a thousand reviews! I'm amazed, and appreciate every single one. I can't thank you guys enough for sticking with me. I'll do my best to keep the chapters coming until this story is finished.