Relieved to get out of the kitchen, not liking being the center of attention as long as his past was involved, Spike headed for the front door when he spotted the little girl on the couch. She looked up, briefly, when he entered the living room, then clearly chose to ignore him as she turned her attention back to the TV. He hesitated for a moment before slowly walking over to her. “Hey, Emily. What are you watching?”
Emily glanced at him with a suspicious look on her face, and for a moment, Spike was certain that she was simply not going to answer. Then she shrugged. “Just a kid show.”
“Right.” Spike cleared his throat, at a loss for what to say next. “So, um...”
She suddenly spoke up – much to his surprise – interrupting him; “I used to live in London with my mom. The people there talked just like you.” As she spoke, she never took her eyes away from the TV.
Spike was a little taken aback, having not expected her to reveal something personal like that, but quickly recovered. “That’s ‘cause I used to live there, too.” After a brief moment’s hesitation, he sat down on the couch, although he made sure to leave some distance between them. “Mind if I join you?”
Emily looked up, obviously a little surprised. Then she turned back to the TV again. “Whatever.”
“Thanks.” Spike casted a glance over his shoulder, looking at the door leading back into the kitchen. “Could use a break, anyway.” Emily looked up again, giving him a curious look. He waved his hand in dismissal. “Never mind.”
They were just sitting there in silence for a couple of minutes until she spoke again; “Is Buffy your girlfriend?”
Spike frowned, surprised by the blunt question. “Yeah.”
The girl’s eyes narrowed. “Buffy’s a weird name.” A pause. “Spike’s weird, too.” Then she glanced at him, carefully, obviously wondering if she had gone too far and made him angry.
He raised a brow, then shrugged. “My real name’s William. Just don’t like it very much.”
“How come?” She suddenly looked interested.
He shrugged again. “Dunno. Just don’t.”
Emily looked doubtful, but remained quiet. Spike held back a sigh, wondering once again what he was doing. This was the main reason he was here in the first place; to talk to Emily. But he was obviously not doing a very good job so far. A part of him just wanted to get up and leave. Not only did he feel extremely uncomfortable by the whole thing, he just didn’t see the point in bringing up all these bad memories and force the poor girl to face the horrors of her past. The damage was already done.
I know you can’t change the past, no one can. But think about it. You had to go through it all alone. And now, you can make sure this little girl won’t have to.
He could suddenly hear Buffy’s voice in his head, just as clear had she been in the same room. Buffy had made it clear – over and over again – that she believed in him, having been convinced that he could help this girl, that he could make a difference. And he didn’t want to let her down. But he just didn’t know what he was supposed to say to Emily. It didn’t seem fair of Gunn to lay this kind of responsibility on him, but it was obvious that the other man was desperate.
And truth to be told, Spike couldn’t really blame him. Gunn was just looking out for his family. Emily was an innocent victim in all of this, just like him. However, she was just a little kid; no one could possibly expect her to deal with the aftermath of the sexual abuse on her own. She probably didn’t even understand just what it was Ethan had been doing to her. Unfortunately Spike did, even though it had taken him years to figure it out for himself.
From what he had seen so far, the girl was obviously a little withdrawn, but other than that, she seemed perfectly normal. Spike had gotten the impression that she would be completely traumatized. Then again, he could see why Gunn was so concerned. Deep down, Spike realized that shutting off every single emotion for years and refusing to deal with the painful past – like he had done himself – wasn’t healthy. The kind of life he had been living before he met Buffy was not a life he would wish on anyone.
Suddenly he found himself speaking, without even realizing it. “Look, Emily, I know some bad things happened to you recently.” The girl looked up, clearly startled, but didn’t say anything. Spike went on; “Gunn... I mean, you uncle, told me he’s really worried about you.”
Emily just kept looking at him, a blank expression on her face. Then she turned her eyes back to the TV, although Spike suddenly got the feeling she was not actually aware of what was happening on the screen. “My mom died,” she finally said in a small voice.
“Yeah, I know.” Spike hesitated. “You know, my mum died, too. Couple of weeks ago.”
Glancing at him, Emily was clearly torn between wanting to know more, or simply avoiding the subject. Eventually, her curiosity won. “Really? Are you sad?”
“Um...” Great, how was he supposed to respond to that without sounding like an insensitive prick? Spike then rolled his eyes, deciding that it was probably best to just be honest. “No, can’t say that I am.”
Emily got an unreadable look on her face, but when she spoke, she didn’t sound accusing, just confused. “Uncle Charles says you’re supposed to be sad when someone dies.”
“Yeah, well...” Spike sighed, wishing – and not for the first time – that someone else would be here to handle this. “In your case, he’s right. I bet your mum loved you very much.”
“I guess so. Sure.” Emily sounded surprised, clearly having taken her mother’s love for granted. Spike felt relieved for the girl’s sake; at least one of them were lucky enough to have the memories of a loving parent. At the same time, he couldn’t help but feel a small pang in his chest, selfishly wishing it would have been him. However, he quickly pushed that thought to the back of his mind.
She became quiet, and Spike could imagine a million questions taking form inside the little girl’s head. Holding his breath, he silently prayed he would be able to answer at least some of them. But when minutes had passed and Emily still remained silent, he realized that whatever questions she may have, she was obviously going to keep them to herself.
He cleared his throat. “Mind telling me what’s going on in that head of yours, little bit?”
At first, she didn’t answer. For a moment, she just looked at him, her head tilted to the side as she bit her lip, thoughtfully. Then she looked down, her fingers drawing patterns on the couch. “Was your mom hit by a car, too?”
“Um, no.” Okay, so he had wanted to be honest with her. But there was just no way he would tell an eight-year-old about how his mother had downed a bottle of sleeping pills like it was candy before conveniently placing herself on his bed for him to find and deal with best he could. “She was sick.” It wasn’t exactly a lie.
“Oh.” Emily nodded in understanding. “I used to have a bunny named Ralph. Then he got sick, so my mom took him to the vet.” A pause. “He’s dead now, too.”
“I see. Sorry to hear that.” Spike hesitated. “Maybe your uncle would let you have another bunny. Have you asked?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t want another bunny. I want my mom back.”
“Of course you do.” Spike didn’t know what else to say. To tell the truth, he had no idea how it felt like to really mourn the loss of a parent. The only thing he could remember feeling after finding out about Drusilla’s death was some kind of strange relief. That, and of course guilt for not being able to mourn his mother, not missing her even a little bit. It felt wrong somehow. But he couldn’t change the way he felt about her, not even after her death.
But this was not what he was supposed to talk to Emily about, not why Gunn had practically begged him to come here tonight. Gunn wanted him to talk about Ethan, and the sexual abuse he had put the girl through. So, how would he begin, how was he going to bring it up in the first place? And more importantly; would he actually be able to go through with it without losing himself to the painful memories of his own past?
Only one way to find out, Spike thought, grimly. And he might as well get it over with. Taking a deep breath, he looked Emily right in the eyes. “Emily? Do you wanna tell me about the man who hurt you?”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
After giving it a lot of thought, I've decided to take a break with my other story - Lies. I'm not giving up on it though, I will definitely finish it. But right now, I want to focus on this story, try to finish it once and for all. And I have to tell you, having made up my mind about my writing makes me feel so relieved like you couldn't believe. So I feel that it was the right decision to make. Anyway, thanks to those (few?) of you who are still with me here!