He swallowed. This wasn’t fair, neither to Emily, nor to him. He shouldn’t have to do this. The poor girl looked like she was ready to bolt, and he knew exactly how she felt. Then he suddenly remembered how he had reacted in the beginning when Buffy had so desperately tried to get him to open up to her, trying to make him see that he could trust her. Terrified of letting her come too close, he had pushed her away, over and over again, anything so he wouldn’t have to deal with what happened. But Buffy had been stubborn, and for that, he would always be grateful.
Of course, he hadn’t felt like that at the time. But now he realized that by being so stubborn, Buffy had actually saved him from the pathetic excuse for a life he had been living. He didn’t even want to think about where he would be today if it hadn’t been for Buffy, if she hadn’t been so persistent and managed to nestle her way into his bruised and battered heart. Looking at this little girl now made him see his own situation from a whole new perspective. It was just not possible, trying to escape your past. Because sooner or later, it would always come back to haunt you. And the sooner Emily would realize that as well, the better for her.
Taking a deep breath, he finally went on; “...Ethan, he did the same thing to me.”
Buffy left the bathroom and reluctantly headed back towards the kitchen. Suddenly she could hear Spike’s voice, coming from the living room, and stopped in her tracks, immediately realizing he had to be talking to Emily. Once again her heart went out to him, knowing how difficult – not to mention strange – this whole situation had to be for him. A part of her longed to go check on him, make sure he was okay. But she didn’t want to interrupt them if Spike had actually managed to find a way to get through to the girl. If she would just barge in on them, who knew how Emily would react.
Besides, Buffy was well aware of the fact that she couldn’t protect Spike forever. There were certain things he would just have to learn to deal with by himself, otherwise he would never be able to truly heal and move on. She had a feeling that – deep down – Spike knew that as well. And trying to help Emily was one of those things. So, instead of going to him, Buffy reluctantly turned in the other direction, intending to head back to the kitchen and wait for Spike there. She had faith in him. If he needed her, he would let her know.
Emily tilted her head to the side as she eyed him warily, clearly not sure what to think. She opened her mouth, then closed it again as she lowered her eyes. Spike watched her, uncertainly, for a moment before he spoke again; “Your uncle wanted me to talk to you about what happened, about what that man did to you.” He could see how the girl tensed up, but other than that, she showed no reaction. So, he went on; “But I’m not gonna do that.”
She immediately looked up, surprise and confusion evident on her face. Her eyes narrowed as she watched him, suspiciously, like she wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him. Still, she did not say a word. Instead she just kept looking at him, fearfully waiting for him to go on, like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Spike felt a wave of sympathy welling up inside him; it was painfully obvious that she didn’t quite trust him yet. In fact, maybe the girl would never be able to truly trust another human being again, thanks to Ethan.
“I mean it.” Spike was surprised by his own words, having no idea where they were coming from. He had been about to tell Emily about his own experiences with Ethan, trying to get her to open up to him. Because he knew that it was what Gunn had expected him to do, what Gunn thought would be best for his niece. But suddenly he just knew that he wasn’t going to do that, because that was not what Emily needed right now. Gunn didn’t understand, couldn’t possibly understand what she needed. However, Spike did.
Spike didn’t even know what he was going to say until he heard the words come out of his mouth. “I’m not gonna make you tell me what happened. Just want you to know that I understand. ‘Cause I’ve been there myself.” He paused. “Just remember this: Whatever you may think, whatever he told you – none of it was ever your fault. What he did to you was wrong; he was a sick bast...” He quickly corrected himself; “...a sick man, and he had no right to hurt you in any way.”
He realized that while he was trying to make Emily see the truth, he was also partly trying to convince himself. And he was a little surprised to find that he actually believed his own words. Emily had done nothing to deserve such a horrible treatment, and neither had he. They were both innocent victims of the same cruel, cold-hearted abuser; a man who was now – finally – out of their lives for good and would never be able to hurt either one of them again.
The whole time he had been speaking, Emily had yet to say a word. But Spike could see that – although she still wouldn’t meet his eyes – she was actually listening. “Look, Emily, s’important that you understand that there was nothing you could do to stop him. And...” He hesitated, suddenly not sure how to explain, how to make her really understand how serious he was. Because what he needed to tell her next might just be the most important thing of all.
For some reason, Emily seemed to realize that his next words were important, because she finally looked up at him, her big, brown eyes meeting his. She gave him a questioning look.
Spike let out a shuddering breath. “You need to believe in yourself, believe that you are a good girl. Because you are. You may not feel comfortable talking about it right now, and it’s okay. But you have to remember that sooner or later, you’re gonna have to let it all out. Because if you don’t, if you just keep everything inside you, you’re gonna end up hating yourself. You have people who really care about you, people who wanna be able to help you.” Spike paused for a moment. “It’s important that you let them do that. Don’t push ‘em away.”
Emily glanced at him but still didn’t say anything. Still, Spike knew that he had her full attention. He let out a sigh. “Believe me, bit, I know what I’m talking about. Didn’t handle things very well myself, still trying to learn how to deal with it all. Don’t want you to end up like me.” He paused again. “Know what I’m saying?” She looked at him with wide eyes. Then, she nodded, slowly. Spike gave her a small smile. “Good girl.”
TBC