When Spike returned to the kitchen after what felt like hours, Buffy was practically sitting on the edge of her seat, and although she was dying to find out every single detail about his talk with Emily, she managed to remain calm. Instead she just gave him a questioning look, to which he responded by simply mouthing a ‘later’. Holding back a sigh, she got up and made herself busy helping Fred clear the table while Spike took Gunn aside, speaking to the other man, quietly. Buffy couldn’t help but cast a glance in their direction, wishing she could hear what they were saying.
She wasn’t too surprised when Spike shortly thereafter, politely but firmly, announced that they were leaving. He had clearly done what he came here to do and it was obvious that he didn’t want to stick around and make with the small-talk. Still, he didn’t seem upset, just somewhat uncomfortable. Buffy could relate to that. Trying not to let her relief show, she politely thanked both Gunn and Fred for inviting them over. Finally, they could go home.
About thirty minutes later, Buffy and Spike were back at her house, sitting on the couch in the living room, each with a large cup of steaming hot chocolate. Glancing at Spike, Buffy snuggled closer to him and let out a happy sigh when he immediately put his arm around her shoulders. She bit her lip, thoughtfully, wondering if she should say something. He had been quiet on the way back, and she didn’t want to push him. But now, the silence was starting to make her nervous.
As if he had been able to read her mind, Spike sighed, his fingers playing softly with her hair. “Sorry, luv. Know you wanna hear about what happened. Just not sure what to say.”
She gave him a worried look. “Was it that bad?”
“No, s’just...” He hesitated. “Kid didn’t say much. Told her I knew what happened and that I’d been there myself. Tried to make her see she needs to let it all out and not keep it inside her forever.” He let out a bitter laugh. “Kinda make me sound like a soddin’ hypocrite, doesn’t it? Seeing how I’ve done the exact opposite myself.” A pause. “Hell, didn’t even know where the words were coming from, I just...”
“You knew it was the right thing to do,” Buffy finished, taking his hand and squeezing it, gently. “It doesn’t make you a hypocrite, sweetie. Quite the opposite, if you ask me.” Their eyes met. “You did a really good thing tonight, you know that, right?” He lowered his eyes, but she put her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “I mean it, Spike. I know it had to take a lot of courage to do what you did, and I’m so proud of you.”
“Yeah, well...” Spike shrugged, clearly a little embarrassed. “Don’t know if what I told her helped, just didn’t want her to end up like me. Kid’s still got a long way to go, don’t think she’s ready to talk about it just yet.”
“That’s understandable.” Buffy rested her head on his shoulder and Spike wrapped both his arms around her. “But now, thanks to you, some day she hopefully will be.” She paused. “Now, the question is; are you?” Frowning, he pulled back a little, giving her a confused look, and she hurried to explain; “We’re going to see the therapist tomorrow, remember? Just wanted to make sure you’re really okay with that.”
Grimacing a little, Spike slumped back into the couch. “Was kinda hoping that if I wouldn’t bring it up, you’d forget about it.” The look he gave her told Buffy he wasn’t really serious, but she suspected that he was only half joking. She opened her mouth, but he went on; “Seriously, does it really matter if I’m okay with it or not? We’re still doing it, right?”
“Spike...” Buffy hesitated for a moment. “Look, I know you don’t really wanna go. But deep down, you have to know it’s the right thing to do. I mean, otherwise you wouldn’t have told Emily what you did.”
“I know.” Spike sighed. “It’s just...”
“Sweetie, it’s okay to be afraid.” He opened his mouth to object, but Buffy raised her hand to stop him. “Don’t lie to me and tell me you’re not, ‘cause I know you are.” She paused. “Honestly? I am, too.”
He raised a brow in surprise. “What do you have to be afraid of? I’m the one who’s screwed up here, remember?”
Buffy gave him an annoyed look. “Okay, that’s just ridiculous and you know it.”
“Is it?” Spike let out a snort. “Look, I meant what I said to Emily, all right? Didn’t just make it up; she needs to talk about what happened. Know I do, too, least I know it in here.” He pointed at his head. “But that doesn’t mean...”
“I know.” Buffy swallowed. “Look, Spike, I don’t wanna force you to do something you’re not ready for. If you honestly believe that seeing this therapist isn’t going to help, if you really feel we’d just be waisting our time going there, then tell me now. I’ll call the whole thing off and I won’t bring it up again.”
The thing was, he knew she meant every single word. Buffy would cancel their appointment in a heartbeat if she actually thought it was what he really wanted. And while a part of him ached to say yes, he knew deep down he could never do that. She may be a little pushy sometimes, but the truth was, Buffy did nothing without his best interest in mind. Besides, she didn’t have to offer to go with him to the therapist in the first place, but she had, partly to be able to understand him better like she’d said, sure, but Spike knew the main reason was so she could just be there for him.
He had known all along, of course, and at first, he had only agreed because he didn’t want to let her down. But talking to Emily had made him see just how badly he needed to let it all out once and for all as well. Then again, what he needed and what he actually wanted was two completely different matters. Not that he didn’t want to be able to move on, but it was the idea of what he still had to go through to get there that scared him. And, naturally, Buffy was perfectly aware of his fears, no matter how hard he would struggle to hide how he really felt.
Not that he really had any reason to hide anything from her anymore. He had come to realize that he didn’t always have to be strong for her; Buffy would always love him, no matter what. But a part of him still found it a bit difficult to let his weakness show, not wanting to come out like a pathetic ponce. He just had to learn to remember that even if that was how he still sometimes would see himself, Buffy clearly felt differently. And that only made him love her more. He suddenly realized that he felt completely safe with Buffy; he would trust her with his life.
Now she was looking at him, a questioning look on her face as she patiently waited for his answer. He knew that he could tell her to cancel their session, and she would do it without arguing. Well, probably not much, anyway. He sighed and pulled her back into his arms, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. “Nah. I’m doing this; no backing out now.” Then he frowned, correcting himself; “We’re doing this. Right?” He could tell – by the way she immediately relaxed in his arms – that he had made the right decision.
Buffy nodded, her face buried in his chest so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. “Yeah.” Her voice sounded muffled.
Spike pulled back, his eyes narrowing. “You cryin’?”
“No.” She sniffled a little.
He rolled his eyes, gently brushing away her tears. “No need for that, pet, s’gonna be fine.” She gave him a watery smile and he went on; “Really, Buffy, I’m okay with this. Not saying it’s gonna be easy, but we’ll get through it.”
Despite his assuring words, the look on his face told Buffy that he was in a desperate need for her confirmation. She inhaled, shakily, praying that her voice wouldn’t fail her. “Of course we will.”
He kissed her then, gently and somewhat hesitating at first, however, the kiss soon became more brave and demanding. Buffy let out a soft moan in response as he kept running his fingers through her long hair; she could just lose herself in his touch and wished that he would keep kissing her forever. Then he let his hand slowly wander down her back and slip under her shirt, tenderly stroking her soft skin, and Buffy froze in her tracks; she had not seen that coming. Snapping out of the shock, a happy smile spread on her face.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you so much for the lovely response on last chapter. *hugs you all* The muse appreciates it as well, seeing how she keeps cooperating.