Spike kept stroking her back – until his hand suddenly reached the hook of her bra – and he seemed to freeze in his tracks. Buffy just wanted to scream. That, or possibly beg him not to stop touching her. But she did not dare open her mouth, terrified that she would say the wrong thing and scare him away. It wasn’t like Spike had never touched her before, but there had been something about the way he let his hand slowly wander over her body that made her feel like something had changed, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.
So why had he suddenly stopped? She was afraid of asking, certain that she wouldn’t like the answer. And the last thing she wanted to do now was making him feel uncomfortable. Buffy’s mind was racing, desperately trying to figure out if she had done something wrong. She noticed that he still kept his hand under her shirt, though; he had yet to pull away. Instead he seemed to hesitate, and she could feel him tense up a little, like he wasn’t sure of what to do next. Oh!
As she was silently debating with herself whether or not she should say something, trying to make him a little more at ease without humiliating them both in the process, Spike suddenly spoke up, quietly; “This okay, luv?”
“Huh?” Clearly, her mind wasn’t working. Otherwise she would have managed to come up with something a little less pathetic. “What?” Oh, and that was so much better! Buffy forced back a groan. He pulled back a little, and she almost wept with frustration.
Spike tilted his head to the side, watching her closely. “This okay?” he repeated, a note of fear in his voice. “Me touching you like this?”
“Yes!” she gasped, horrified that he would think – even for a moment – that he could ever touch her in a way she wouldn’t completely approve of. She belonged to him – body and soul – hadn’t he figured that out by now? He could touch her any way he wanted, preferably forever. “Yes,” she repeated, her eyes searching his as she silently begged him to believe her. “It’s totally okay. Please...” She lowered her eyes, suddenly too embarrassed to ask him to continue.
Letting out the breath he had been holding, Spike shifted a little on the couch, trying to find a more comfortable position for both of them. Then he placed a shaky hand on Buffy’s cheek and let his lips brush against hers, not missing how she closed her eyes as their lips met. To say that he was nervous would be a huge understatement; he was absolutely terrified. But just not for the reasons Buffy might think.
It was like – all of the sudden – not only did the idea of making love to Buffy not scare him half to death, but in fact seem rather appealing. He wasn’t sure exactly what had changed, all he knew was that he was no longer afraid of taking their relationship to the next level. For as long as he could remember, he had dreaded the mere thought of sex, but he now realized that he had nothing to fear, as long as he was with Buffy.
He also realized there was a huge difference between making love to the woman he loved, and the humiliating abuse Ethan had put him through over the years. For one thing, that had never been about love, or even sex. For Ethan, it had always been about satisfying his own, twisted needs. That, and of course, power. Meeting little Emily had finally made Spike see that it had not even been about him. Not really, anyway. Ethan had been a sick man who needed to hurt other people to feel good about himself; he got off on seeing their pain.
For more than ten years, Spike had literally been trapped in hell, left at the mercy of a man who could only be described as a monster. Now, when his tormentor was finally gone, he would be damned if he let that bastard keep his power over him even from his grave. It was time to let go of the past, and move on. And he didn’t even have to do it alone. Because the woman sitting next to him had turned out to be his salvation.
What worried him now, however, was that he had absolutely no idea how to go on from here. Of course, Buffy was already aware of the fact that he was technically a virgin – even if he had never said it out loud – and it hadn’t really bothered him before, but things were different now. Even though she had to know that he completely lacked of experience, surely she would still have at least some kind of expectations, right? What if he would fail to live up to them, what if he wouldn’t be good enough? What if they would finally make love, and she would hate it?
A part of him knew – at least deep down – that it was most unlikely. Still, he couldn’t quite shake the feeling of not being able to be the man she deserved, not being worthy. He wouldn’t breathe a word about that to Buffy, though, she would just be upset. Accusing him of not trusting her enough. She just wouldn’t understand that it had nothing to do with trust, because he did trust her, he trusted her with his life. No, the problem was just his barely existing self-esteem.
But he didn’t want to let that stop him. Just being this close to Buffy made him almost painfully hard, and they still had all their clothes on. He swallowed, silently praying that he would be able to keep his voice steady. “Do... Do you wanna, um, go upstairs?” Oh, bloody great! He couldn’t even ask her a normal question without stuttering like a bleedin’ ponce!
“Oh.” Buffy’s eyes widened in surprise. “I... Do you?” Then she mentally cursed her stupidity; why couldn’t she just answer normally when he asked her a question? It was almost painfully obvious how nervous he was, and she surely didn’t make it any easier for him. But the thing was, she was beyond nervous herself. She had been with other guys before, but there had never been any real feelings involved, at least nothing compared to how she now felt for Spike. So in a way, it would be her first time as well.
The idea of making love to Spike was both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. They had been together for a while now, and to tell the truth, she had longed for them to finally go all the way in their relationship for quite some time. Of course, she had known better than to push him about it, knowing that it had to be up to him to let her know when – or if – he was ready. Could this be it? She bit her lip, nervously, unsure of what to do.
Spike let out a nervous chuckle. “Wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t, pet.”
“Right. Of course. Um...” Buffy blushed. Her heart was beating faster and faster inside her chest and she was dangerously close to panicking. How would he want to do this? Did he expect her to take the lead, seeing how this was a completely new territory for him, or would something like that offend him?
He frowned, surprised at the worried expression on her face. If he didn’t know any better, he would think that she was just as nervous as he was. Reaching for her hand, he placed a gentle kiss on her palm, forcing himself to relax. Then he stood up, his hand still squeezing hers. Without a word, he gently pulled her up on her feet. Buffy gave him a soft smile, and for some reason, she looked almost relieved, although he wasn’t sure why. It didn’t really matter, though, all he cared about at the moment was the fact that she didn’t object.
Buffy opened her mouth to say something, then decided against it. Anything she could possibly come up with right now would just sound lame, or even worse; stupid. Besides, she had a feeling that he could already see right into her heart; at this moment, no words were necessary. Because they both knew what was going to happen; there was no reason to say it out loud.
Instead, their lips met in a soft, tender kiss. Then, hands still entwined, they slowly headed for the stairs.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, I think there will be about 10 more chapters or so and I'll do my best to keep them coming. Hopefully, what is left of this story won't disappoint. Thanks to those of you still reading!
Chapter End Notes:
Yes, I know it's cruel of me to stop there. But seriously, you should know me by now. ;) Oh, and reviews make both me and my muse very happy and, more importantly, make us work faster. *hint hint*