”What do you wanna do tonight?” Spike kept running his fingers up and down Buffy’s arm, silently hoping it didn’t involve getting out of bed. He would be perfectly happy just staying like this forever – with the girl he loved, tightly wrapped up in his arms – and if he never had to move again, he wouldn’t really complain. Although he figured it might be just a little bit uncomfortable after a week or two.
Buffy turned her face towards him, thinking for a moment. “I don’t know. We could just stay here, I guess, maybe watch a movie or something.” She paused, remembering something. “That is if you don’t mind possibly having to share the couch with my mom. She’s coming home tonight.”
“Oh, right.” Spike was quiet for a moment. “So, what are you gonna tell her?”
She frowned. “About what?” He just looked at her, an incredulous look on his face, and she let out a sigh as understanding hit her. “Oh. You mean about everything that’s happened while she’s been away.”
“Yeah, that.” Spike reluctantly pulled himself up in a sitting position and she did the same.
To tell the truth, Buffy hadn’t even thought about it. She supposed she owed her mother at least some kind of explanation, especially since it was quite possible that one of the neighbors had spotted the police car outside their house the other day when Gunn had dropped by and paid them a visit. However, it was definitely not a conversation she looked forward to having any time soon. Even if she would try to be vague about the details, Joyce always had a way of seeing right through her.
And then there was the appointment with the therapist tomorrow. Naturally, Joyce would wonder about that, too. Then again, Buffy could always choose to simply not tell her, but for some reason, it didn’t seem right to keep her mother completely out of the loop. Maybe it was time to explain some things about Spike’s past to her, assuming he was okay with that, of course. She glanced at him, wondering how he would react should she just come right out and ask him.
Seeing her hesitation, Spike raised a brow, a somewhat suspicious look on his face. “Wanna tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
“I was just thinking...” Buffy bit her lip, nervously, choosing her words carefully. “There’s a chance my mom’s gonna wonder about... about Ethan. I’m gonna have to talk to her sooner or later.”
His eyes darkened and he nodded in understanding. “You wanna tell her what he did to me? Why don’t you just put an ad in the local paper while you’re at it?” Seeing the hurt look on her face, he closed his eyes for a moment and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, all right? But what do you want me to say? Agreed to go see the bloody shrink tomorrow, isn’t that enough? Not ready for the rest of the world to find out all about my fucked up past.”
For a moment, Buffy didn’t know whether to cry, or possibly yell in frustration. As if she would even consider telling her mother anything he wasn’t totally comfortable with. She glared at him. “I never said I’d give her any details. If you’d just hear me out instead of lashing out on me...” He opened his mouth, clearly ashamed, but she went on; “...like you always do when I say something you don’t wanna hear. Guess I was stupid enough to think we had moved past that.”
Seeing any chances of him and Buffy spending the rest of the night happily snuggling together on the bed quickly fly out the window, Spike swallowed, hard. “I didn’t mean...”
“You never do.” Buffy got up from the bed. “You know what? I’m really not in a mood for arguing about this, so just forget I said anything. I’ll go take a shower.” With that, she headed for the door.
“Wait!” Spike jumped off the bed as well, grabbing her arm to prevent her from leaving. “I’m really sorry. Know I’ve said it a lot lately, but...” Seeing that she was about to interrupt, he quickly went on, a desperate note in his voice; “Look, Buffy, I’m not like you. You’re kind and caring, and you have no problem with letting other people know exactly how you feel. Wish I could be more like that, but I can’t.”
She just looked at him for a moment, then lowered her eyes. “But I would never ask you to be something you’re not. I don’t want you to change who you are.”
“I know.” He rolled his eyes, annoyed at himself for always having such a hard time to find the right words. Once again, he had managed to take his anger out on the last person who deserved it, and as usual, he didn’t realize it until the damage was already done. But if he didn’t even understand why he kept doing it, how could he possibly explain his actions to Buffy?
“Spike, I...” Buffy started, uncertainly.
“You wanna know how I feel? I’m bloody terrified.” The words were out of his mouth before he even realized he had spoken. Buffy’s eyes widened in surprise, but she remained silent, waiting for him to go on. The problem was, he had absolutely no idea how. Letting go of her arm, he started pacing the room. Finally he stopped, facing away from her. “Don’t know if I can do it,” he mumbled.
She took a hesitant step towards him. “Do what?” Suddenly realization hit her, and she mentally slapped herself for not putting two and two together sooner. “This is about us going to the session tomorrow, isn’t it?”
It all made perfectly sense to her now. Of course, Spike had never admitted out loud that he worried about going to the therapist, but he hadn’t exactly denied it, either. Then he had simply changed the subject, and she had let the matter drop, not wanting to push him. Truth to be told, she had just been relieved that he had agreed to go, even though he had been very reluctant to the whole idea from the beginning. But now she started to realize that his fears might even be deeper than she had suspected.
Spike felt like his head was spinning. He had managed to push all disturbing thoughts to the back of his mind – at least for a little while – but now, the world came crashing down again. In some way, he had almost convinced himself that if he would simply not bring it up – or refuse to even think about it – it would all go away. Naturally, things didn’t work that way. But it was nice to pretend. Too bad it couldn’t last.
He was well aware of the fact that even though Ethan was gone, he still had a long way to go before he would be able to make peace with his past – if that was even possible. And he knew that he had to face all the painful memories eventually. But he had just hoped it would be later rather than sooner. Not because he expected it to be any easier if he waited, that time would heal the wounds and all that rot. No, he was simply afraid of dealing with it all, period.
“Spike?”
He slowly turned around to face Buffy, trying not to let his frustration show. “Yeah.” Sighing, he then looked her straight in the eyes. “You know I only agreed to go in the first place so you’d get off my back about it, don’t you?” There was no accusation in his words; he was simply stating a fact.
Buffy nodded. “Figured as much,” she mumbled in a small voice.
“Don’t get me wrong, I know I need to do this. Not for you, but for myself.” Spike paused. “S’just hard, you know? Cause...” He hesitated. How badly he wanted to just make Buffy understand what was bothering him. But it didn’t even make sense in his own head.
“Of course it’s hard.” Buffy was at a loss for what to do. She wanted to assure him somehow, make his fears go away, but didn’t know how. Because deep down, she knew that this was something he had to do by himself. She could be there for him, sure, but it all came down to the fact that Spike would finally have to face his own demons – she couldn’t do that for him, no matter how much she wanted to.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for all your wonderful reviews! I actually expected to get at least a few complaints about the big love scene, but I'm amazed at your positive support. *hugs* Next chapter will be up in a few days.
Chapter End Notes:
Yes, we're getting closer to the end. But the story's not over yet. There's still some issues to work out. ;)