”What time is it?” Spike was rapidly tapping his fingers against the armrest of the large, green couch. He and Buffy were sitting in the waiting room, waiting for their first session, and he felt like they had already been there for hours.
Buffy held back a sigh, patiently looking at her watch for what must have been the fiftieth time since they had arrived, less than fifteen minutes ago. “Four-twenty five.”
He jumped up, quickly patting the pockets of his coat in search for his cigarettes. “Got time for a smoke, then. I’ll just...”
Getting up as well, Buffy put a tentative hand on his arm to stop him. “Sweetie, we both know that if you leave now, you won’t be coming back.”
Spike opened his mouth to object, then settled for letting out a snort in a weak attempt of acting offended. Instead he just slumped back down on the couch, a miserable look on his face. Buffy was right, off course. What he wouldn’t do to be anywhere but here. If given the opportunity, he would gladly run as far away as possible. But he obediently remained where he was, suddenly feeling too tired to argue. In a way, he felt like a condemned prisoner, waiting for his inevitable execution.
The couch shifted slightly as Buffy sat down next to him again. “Look, I know you’re nervous, but it’s gonna be okay.”
He held back a sarcastic remark, knowing she was just trying to make him feel better. But to say that he was nervous would be the understatement of the year. In fact, ‘nervous’ didn’t even begin to cover how he really felt at the moment. It wasn’t really a question of whether or not he was ready for this; he would never feel comfortable discussing the horrors of his past with anyone, let alone a complete stranger.
Still, what bothered him even more than the idea of exposing himself to someone who merely got paid for listening to his sob story was the disturbing thought of having to face all the demons of his past. After all this time, Spike could still feel Ethan’s presence every time he closed his eyes, hearing the man’s eerily calm voice and feel those large hands mercilessly pressing him down onto the cold, hard floor.
But he also suspected that he had managed to push some of the most horrifying memories to the farthest back of his mind, and that everything would now finally be forced out in the open. A part of him seriously doubted that he would be strong enough to face those repressed memories, even with Buffy’s never-ending love and support. So, it was safe to say that he was way beyond nervous by now. He was terrified.
While Buffy didn’t have a reason to fear the upcoming therapy session as much as Spike, she was silently struggling to keep her own emotions under control. Despite the fact that she had been fully convinced from the beginning that it was the right thing to do, the nagging feeling of guilt for pushing him into this kept growing inside her. Even though Spike had reluctantly admitted that he needed to do this, it was painfully obvious that he didn’t want to be here.
As she was sitting next to him on the couch, she could practically feel the fear rolling off him in waves, and she had no idea how to make it better. In fact, she doubted there was anything she could do or say at this moment that would make much of a difference. She had a feeling that the only thing that would possibly make him relax was her telling him they would get up and leave. Although a part of her really wished she could do just that, she knew that she wouldn’t do Spike any favors by letting him keep running from his past.
She tried to smile. “Hey, it’s just an hour, right? It’ll be over before we know it.” Spike just gave her a sour look, not even dignifying that statement with an answer. She tried again; “Look, when we get back home, we can...”
“Just drop it, all right?” Spike let out a tired sigh. “Know what you’re trying to do, but please, just don’t.” Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again, and he could see her swallowing hard before mumbling an apology. Squeezing his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to fight back the tears, he reached blindly for her hand. “I’m sorry, luv, m’just...”
Buffy silenced him by pressing her lips against his, her free hand running gently through his hair. She wanted to tell him that it was okay, that she knew he was just scared and that no matter what happened, they would get through this together. But she also knew that if she so much as opened her mouth, she would start crying, and right now, she had to stay strong. Spike needed her strength, not her tears. She would not allow herself to fall apart until this was all over.
But the truth was, Buffy was painfully aware of the fact that this one session would not magically make everything better. In fact, she feared that it would be quite the opposite; forcing Spike to start dealing with the memories of his past could be very much like opening Pandora’s box. She realized that Spike had only shared a limited part of his awful experiences with her – there had to be so much more, far worse than she could possibly imagine. For a brief moment, she wondered if she was actually ready to hear about the rest.
Then again, she supposed it didn’t matter, because it wasn’t really about her. Taking a deep breath, she silently prayed that her voice wouldn’t crack. “I love you.”
He let out a shuddering breath, pulling back a little to look her in the eyes. “Love you, too.”
Buffy rested her forehead against his, suddenly not caring about the single tear, stubbornly finding its way down her cheek. “Look, you’re here. You’ve made it this far. You can do this.” She paused. “And I’m not going anywhere.” He slipped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair, and she could feel him trembling against her. For a moment, neither of them spoke.
Spike tightened his grip around her and took a couple of long, deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down. Buffy was right – he could do this. How hard could it be, really? He tried to convince himself that he had nothing to be afraid of – Ethan was gone, and a bunch of memories couldn’t really hurt him. He knew all that, so why did he still feel this way? Why couldn’t he stop shaking? Fuck! He really, really didn’t want to be here.
Pulling back abruptly, he gave Buffy a hopeful look. “Remember when you said that if I really thought we’d just be wasting our time coming here, you’d call the whole thing off?” She nodded. “Bit too late for that now, isn’t it?”
She looked at him for a moment, then sighed. “Is that really how you feel?”
“Who bloody cares?!” Although he had intended to make it come out like a joke, he couldn’t quite keep the desperation from his voice. “Just wanna get the fuck out of here!”
Buffy closed her eyes, sighing again. “I know you do. Believe me; I understand completely. But...” She stopped as he let out a frustrated groan and slammed his fist down on the small table in front of the couch. Opening her mouth to say something, she then clearly decided against it and slumped back against the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. Still, she didn’t seem too upset by his sudden outburst.
Silently counting to ten, Spike desperately tried to control his temper. How could Buffy always be so annoyingly understanding? A part of him wished she would just yell at him already, tell him to get a grip and snap out of it. Then he could yell right back at her without feeling guilty. Well, not much, anyway. Hell, who was he kidding? Of course he would feel guilty, because Buffy sure as hell didn’t deserve any of that crap from him.
But he needed to lash out at someone; there was so much anger and fury building up inside him and he just didn’t know how to handle it. Of course, he knew perfectly well that provoking the one person who happened to care about him more than anything was not the way to go. Glancing at Buffy, he noticed that she was watching him, quietly. He felt a lump in his throat. “Just want it to be over,” he mumbled.
Buffy bit her lip, nodding slowly. “It will be.” She was about to say something more, but stopped herself as a door opened and a man in his early forties stepped out, looking around the waiting room briefly before his eyes landed on them.
“Hello, you must be Buffy and Spike. I’m Doctor Rupert Giles. I’m terribly sorry for keeping you waiting.” He smiled. “Please, step into my office.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
For some reason, writing this chapter made me all weepy, something that very rarely happens to me while writing. Must be overly emotional right now. :)
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, and the next chapter should be up some time before this weekend.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, and the next chapter should be up some time before this weekend.
Chapter End Notes:
My WIP story 'Lies' has been nominated in two categories at the Spuffy Awards round 16 and I'm also up for Fantasy Excellent Author. Voting is now open and there are lots of other really great stuff you can vote for as well. Go vote here. Happy holidays!