”Don’t know what you’re on about.” Spike stubbornly kept his eyes on the floor, refusing to let his guard down. The way Giles kept looking at him made him feel vulnerable, and he didn’t like it one bit.
“All right.” Giles removed his glasses. “Do you mind telling me what you’re feeling right now?”
“Um...” Spike raised a brow. “Why don’t you tell me? You’re the expert.”
“Very well.” Giles was quiet for a moment. “I believe you’re confused. You have a lot of questions, but you do not really want to hear the answers. You are also very angry. Angry at the people who hurt you, but also angry at yourself for not being able to stop it.” A pause. “How am I doing so far?”
Spike didn’t answer. Instead he just crossed his arms over his chest, closing up like a clam. Buffy looked at him for a moment. “I’d say, a little too good,” she mumbled, quietly. Spike glanced at her, but remained silent.
“Ah.” Giles nodded, having clearly come to the same conclusion. “I figured as much.” When he spoke again, he had a thoughtful expression on his face. “Tell me something, Spike. Would you feel more comfortable talking to me if it was just the two of us? If Buffy stepped outside for a moment...”
Three, two, one, Buffy silently counted, preparing herself for the outburst she knew was about to come. Spike had yet to let go of her hand, and now he squeezed it so hard that she had to bite her tongue to keep from crying out in pain.
“No!” Spike was unable to keep the fear out of his voice – although he did his best to sound demanding – and glared at Giles, as if daring him to object. “She’s staying.”
“Of course.” Giles immediately raised his hands in a calming gesture. “It was just a thought. The decision is yours.”
Furiously trying to blink away the tears that threatened to fall, Spike simply nodded, knowing that his voice would fail him if he so much as tried to speak. He nearly jumped when Buffy’s arm gently slid around his waist, not daring to look at her. Instead he just leaned into her touch, gratefully accepting the comfort she was offering. Taking a couple of shaky breaths, he tried to force himself to relax.
“Tell me...” Giles had been quiet for a moment, but now he spoke up again; “We have already established the fact that it was not your idea to come here. Why do you believe Buffy talked you into it?” Seeing how Buffy opened her mouth, the therapist softly but firmly shook his head, clearly insisting for Spike to answer by himself.
“I... I don’t know.” Spike sighed as Giles just kept looking at him, expectantly. “’Cause she cares about me. ‘Cause she thinks it would help, to talk about... stuff.” He shrugged.
Giles nodded. “I see. And you don’t agree?”
“Didn’t say that.” Spike slumped back against the couch.
Waiting almost a minute for him to continue, Giles finally seemed to realize that he wouldn’t. “All right. What is it – do you believe – that Buffy thinks you need to talk about?”
Spike cast a brief look at Buffy, who gave him an encouraging nod. He rolled his eyes, knowing that Buffy had already given Giles the background story over the phone, although she had been vague about the details. Desperately searching his mind for some sarcastic remark, he then decided against it, knowing it would just be useless to point out the obvious. No matter what, Giles would still make him come out and say it. Might as well get it over with, he thought. But for some reason, the words just wouldn’t come.
Noticing his discomfort, Giles obviously took pity on him and decided to give him an opening; “Someone hurt you in the past. Can you tell me about that person?”
“He, um...” Spike hesitated, fidgeting awkwardly on the couch. “Name’s Ethan. Was married to my mum.”
“I see.” Giles nodded again. “I can’t help but notice you’re saying ‘was’, as in past tense. Am I correct to assume they are no longer married?”
Spike shrugged. “Both dead.”
Giles looked slightly taken aback, clearly having not received that particular information. However, he quickly recovered. “I understand. And how do you feel about that?” Raising a brow, Spike merely snorted, and Giles calmly elaborated; “Relief? Guilt? What was the first thought that came to your mind after hearing about Ethan’s death?”
“Didn’t just hear ‘bout it.” Spike looked up, his eyes meeting the therapist’s. “Didn’t know that, did you? I was the one who killed him.” He said the last part with a stubborn, almost challenging note in his voice.
Before Giles got the chance to respond to that, Buffy spoke up; “It was an accident, Spike. You know that.” Her hand kept rubbing his back, softly.
“You really think that’s all it was?” Spike turned towards Buffy. “That’s bollocks, Buffy, and you know it. Think I regret what happened, is that it? Well, think again!” He jumped up from the couch, turning his back against both of them. Buffy started to get up as well, but a warning look from Giles stopped her and she reluctantly remained where she was.
“I mean, come on!” Spike started pacing the room. “Think the idea of killing him hadn’t crossed my mind before that asshole showed up at my apartment with his fucking knife?!” Buffy squeezed her eyes shut, desperately trying to fight back the tears. But Spike wasn’t finished. He stopped at the other side of the room. “Don’t regret a bloody thing. I’m glad he’s dead, you hear? No wait, wish he wasn’t. ‘Cause then I’d gladly kill him all over again!”
Buffy failed to hold back a sob, tears streaming down her face. Giles spoke up; “It just tears you apart, doesn’t it? Because despite your obvious hatred towards this man, you do feel guilty. And you can’t for your life figure out why.”
Spike spun around, facing the older man. “Yeah? You think you know so much – explain it to me then! Tell me how the bloody hell I’m supposed to feel!” Despite his hostile words, the look he gave the therapist was almost pleading.
Giles stood up, but did no attempt of moving closer. “What that man did to you... On some level, you believe you deserved it.”
“No.” Spike stared at Giles with wide eyes. “You don’t know a bloody thing about me.”
“Yes,” Giles insisted, ignoring Spike’s objections. “Maybe he even said so himself – told you he had no choice but to hurt you, that you had it coming.”
“I want to hear you say it. Why am I doing this?”
He inhaled, shakily. “’Cause I’m bad.”
“That’s right.” Ethan looked pleased, a cruel smile playing on his lips. “You’ve been bad, so I have to punish you. Have to make sure you know your place. Do you understand?”
Nodding in fear, he then remembered what happened last time he didn’t answer. “Yes.”
”Of course,” Giles went on, ”it must be true, then. You feel guilty, because you knew he had to be right. Ethan only did what he had to do.”
“No,” Spike repeated, shaking his head in denial.
“And if you were the reason behind his actions,” Giles continued, paying no attention to Buffy who were sobbing, quietly, a few feet away, “well, then there has to be something wrong with you. Because you could never understand what horrible things you had done to deserve such a punishment.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Spike clenched his fists as he felt the walls closing in on him. “You’re wrong!”
“Am I?” Giles asked softly, putting his glasses back on. “Then why did he do it?” he demanded to know.
“’Cause he’s a sick bastard, that’s why!” Spike grabbed an empty glass from a nearby table and furiously smashed it against the wall. “’Cause he got off on hurting people who were too bloody weak to fight back! I never deserved any of it, there’s nothing wrong with me!” He slammed his fist into the wall a couple of times before he slid down on the floor, his own words finally starting to sink in. “He had no fucking right to hurt me,” he managed to choke out.
“You’re absolutely right.” Giles nodded in agreement. “And it’s time for you to start believe in it.” He turned to Buffy. “This is upsetting you.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.” Wiping her eyes, Buffy took a hesitant step towards Spike, who was still huddling on the floor. “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.
“It’s quite all right, dear. You are doing just fine.” Giles gave her a sad smile, then lowered his voice. “You can go to him now. I’m going to step outside for a moment, give you two some privacy.” He paused, thinking. “In fact, I think we are done for today. I would like for both of you to keep coming to see me, though, preferably once a week for now. Is that all right with you?” Giving him a somewhat shaky smile, Buffy nodded. Giles looked relieved. “Excellent! I’ll see you in a week.”
TBC
[Reviews - 1696]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 2558 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Here's another quick update. I know this is gonna sound weird, but I hope reading this chapter will be as painful as writing it. Cause that would mean I've succeeded. I have (thankfully) absolutely no experience whatsoever of any kind of abuse, which means I have to rely on my imagination while trying to express Spike's feelings. I just hope I can manage to make it come out as believable as possible.
Chapter End Notes:
*holding my breath* Liked? Hated?