”You wanna see Giles?” Buffy could hear how skeptical she sounded the moment the words left her mouth, but she just couldn’t help herself. She had not seen this coming. In fact, of all the things Spike could have said to her right then, she was quite certain that nothing would have surprised her more. She quickly recovered, though. “I mean, not that I don’t think it’s great. It’s just that you’ve been so against this whole therapy thing from the beginning. What made you change your mind?”
Spike wasn’t sure how to answer to that. “Dunno, I just…” He sighed, wishing Buffy wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. ”Need to talk to him, is all. Know we have an appointment on Thursday, but...” He shrugged, helplessly.
Buffy nodded in understanding, thinking quickly. “Okay, um... You wanna see him before then? Like what, now?”
He let out a snort. “Yeah, ‘cause I bet Giles has nothing better to do on a Saturday night. Course I don’t mean right now!”
“All right, all right. Jeez! No need to be all sarcastic.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “So, when? Tomorrow? I could give him a call first thing in the morning if you want. He said to contact him anytime.”
“Yeah, okay. If you don’t mind. Except...” Spike hesitated, not sure how to explain to her that if she would wait until morning, chances were he would chicken out and try to talk her out of it.
Luckily, Buffy seemed to be able to read his mind. “You know what? Giles might be all booked and won’t be able to squeeze you in if we wait until the last minute. Why don’t I just call him right now?”
Spike knew he shouldn’t be surprised, but the fact remained – Buffy just never ceased to amaze him. It was almost scary how well she had gotten to know him. He was not stupid – if Giles wasn’t all booked by now, he would most likely not be in the morning, either. And if he was, well, then calling him tonight would not make a difference. But he wasn’t about to say anything, knowing exactly what Buffy was doing. He gave her a grateful smile. “Yeah. Good idea.”
Buffy nodded and placed a soft kiss on his cheek before she got up and left the room. Five minutes later, she returned. “Giles said he can see you tomorrow at ten-thirty. That okay?” Spike nodded. “Good.” She bit her lip, somewhat nervously. “You, um, want me to go with you, or...? ‘Cause I could, you know, if you want me to be there. I can wait outside.”
He tried not to sound as relieved as he felt, although he knew he failed, miserably. “Yeah, that’d be... Thanks.”
She was quiet for a moment. “Think my mom wants me to come home tonight. I’d rather stay, but...”
“No, you should...” Spike forced a smile. “You should go, luv. Talk to your mum, yeah? I’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, but I’ll miss you.” Buffy let out a sigh. “I wish we could just live together. Then I wouldn’t have to go. I hate sleeping without you.” She pouted a little.
Spike’s eyes widened. Buffy wanted them to live together? Was that a hint, or just an innocent comment? Surely she hadn’t meant that literally. Right? Suddenly he didn’t know what to think. The idea of him and Buffy moving in together was overwhelming, but not in a bad way. What could possibly be more wonderful than waking up beside the woman he loved every morning? He sure couldn’t think of anything.
He wanted to ask her if she had really meant it, but was afraid to push his luck. Maybe he had been misreading her words somehow, then he would put both of them in an awkward position. No, he should just wait, see if she would bring up the subject again. That would be safer, less likely for him to get a rejection, should he ask Buffy for something she wouldn’t be ready for. Though a part of him berated himself for being such a bloody coward, he knew he had to be realistic. His barely existing self esteem couldn’t take Buffy turning him down.
“Spike?” Buffy’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and he gave her a questioning look. “Is it because of what happened tonight?” Seeing his confused expression, she explained; “What happened with Faith. That’s why you need to see Giles, isn’t it?” Spike’s eyes darkened at the mention of Faith and he opened his mouth, but she quickly went on, lowering her eyes; “You don’t have to explain, I was just wondering. Never mind.”
“No, s’all right. I...” Spike hesitated for a moment before taking her hand, pulling her closer to him. He needed her to be close, craving the comfort of her touch. She let out the breath she had been holding, snuggling up against his chest. His hand started playing with her hair, mostly in an attempt of trying to relax. “That’s a part of it, yeah.” He sighed. “Know you don’t like me saying it, but I just feel completely screwed up here. It’s all so bloody confusing, Buffy, I can’t...” He rolled his eyes in frustration. “I don’t...”
“Ssh, it’s okay, I understand.” Buffy wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. “For what it’s worth; I’m sorry. I know what happened tonight had to bring up some bad memories.” He nodded, burying his face in her hair. “I also know you’re strong enough to not let any of it break you.”
Spike pulled back abruptly, staring at her in disbelief. “Not let it break me? That’s bollocks! I’m already a bloody wreck! I’m not strong, Buffy. I panicked tonight. This tiny girl try to come on to me, and I nearly punch her fucking light out. Felt like I had no control of the situation, and I blacked out. Don’t you see? This is what Ethan’s reduced me to!” He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath.
“You’re going to see Giles tomorrow.” Buffy put her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Which was your decision, not mine. Don’t you see? You’re starting to take control here, Spike. You realize something has to be done, so you do something about it. That’s called dealing. After spending all this time in denial, you’d have to be pretty damn strong to make a decision like that.”
Opening his mouth to object, Spike then closed it again as Buffy’s words started to sink in. He had not thought of it that way before. As far as he was concerned, the fact that he was in need of therapy for dealing with his past just made him seem weak and pathetic. But he suddenly realized that Buffy didn’t think of him like that. What he considered being a weakness, she saw as a sign of strength. She was convinced that there was still hope for him.
“It’s your life, sweetie,” Buffy went on, looking him straight in the eyes. “You can chose not to be a victim anymore.”
He swallowed. “Don’t know how to do that.”
“You don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.” She ran her fingers gently down his cheek. “I’m here for you. And if you’ll just give Giles a chance, I really think he can help you. But you have to do it for yourself. Not for me, or anyone else.”
Spike nodded, giving her a weak smile. “I know.” Then his eyes widened as he suddenly remembered something. “Oh, almost forgot. Here.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, velvet box, handing it to her a bit awkwardly.
Buffy gave him a look of surprise, an uncertain smile playing on her lips. “What’s this?”
He shrugged, suddenly nervous. “It’s your birthday, isn’t it? What, you didn’t think I’d get you anything?”
Her smile grew wider. “You got me a prezzie?”
Grimacing, Spike stubbornly avoided looking at her. “Yeah, well, s’not much. If you don’t like it...” He rolled his eyes. “Who am I kidding? You’ll probably hate it.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” Buffy slapped him gently on the arm before carefully opening the box. “Of course I won’t hate it. I...” Her voice trailed off as she picked up a delicate silver necklace, with a small charm – shaped as a heart, attached to the chain. “Oh my God. Spike...”
Spike cleared his throat, keeping his eyes on the floor. “Just wanted to give you something to remind you...” He shrugged again, feeling more stupid by the minute.
“Remind me of what?” Buffy couldn’t take her eyes away from the small piece of jewelry in her hand.
He glanced at her. “That you’ll always have my heart.”
Buffy looked up then, her bottom lip trembling as their eyes met. “God, Spike, I...” She swallowed. ”It’s so beautiful, thank you. I love it.” A pause. “I love you.” Leaning in to give him a soft peck on the lips, she then pulled back and gave him a watery smile. “Put it on me?” Nodding, Spike took the necklace from her and Buffy turned around, holding up her hair. His hands were shaking slightly as he put it around her neck. She turned back, an expectant look on her face. “Well?”
“Perfect.” Spike tried to smile, but he suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. She was absolutely stunning. In fact, she had never looked more beautiful, and not because of the necklace; it was the look in her eyes. The way she was looking at him. “Effulgent,” he whispered.
“Mm.” Buffy slid her arms around his neck, sighing in bliss as his arms immediately went around her and she melted into his embrace. “Don’t know what that means, but it must be something good.”
He couldn’t help but chuckle, tightening his grip around her. “Happy birthday, luv.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
If anyone here's waiting for an update on Betrayal, I just wanted to let you know I'm working on it and will try to have another chapter up in a few days. As for this story, I hope you'll like this chapter. :)