It also helped, knowing that Buffy was right outside, waiting for him. She had offered to come inside with him, but he had declined, although somewhat reluctantly, knowing that this was something he had to do by himself. He realized that she was proud of him for coming to that conclusion, and while knowing he had her full support meant a lot to him, he wasn’t doing this to prove a point. It was time for him to start taking some responsibility for himself.
If he wanted to ever be able to make peace with his past and move on with his life, he was the one who had to do something about it. Nobody else could do it for him. Painful as it may be, he now knew that he had no choice but to do what Giles had told him at the first session – face his inner demons, once and for all. No more running, or hiding, or trying to escape the truth. Because he never wanted to find himself in such a vulnerable position again.
His instinctive reaction to Faith’s actions last night had shaken him, deeply. Although a part of him still claimed that she’d had it coming – having stubbornly refused to back down, even when he repeatedly asked her to – he knew that it was wrong of him to use that as an excuse for hitting her. Faith had been out of line, sure, but violence was never really the answer. Not to mention the fact that the mere thought of actually having punched a girl in the face made him feel sick.
What was even more scary was that he had not even been aware of what he was doing until it was already too late; he had just reacted without thinking. Joyce’s words – how she hadn’t expected him to be the kind of man who would do something like that – had been like a wake-up call to him. Because he didn’t want to be that kind of man; unable to act rationally whenever he felt cornered, or threatened in any way. He didn’t want to live his life like that.
He was just so tired. Tired of pain, fear, guilt and self loathing. Tired of feeling worthless. He wanted to be able to look forward, to a life away from all of that. He wanted to experience the feeling of being truly happy. He wanted to move on. But he couldn’t do it alone, not even with Buffy’s never-ending support. He needed more help than even she could give him, he realized that now. The thought of facing his past was still frightening, no point in denying it, but for the first time ever, he actually felt like he was ready.
Of course, he had reached a point where he felt like he didn’t have much of a choice. Or maybe he did – if you could call keep running in circles until he just couldn’t take it anymore for a choice – but it wasn’t much of an option. Chances were, he would just end up going crazy, like his mother. That, or possibly jumping on his motorcycle one day and drive, full speed, over a cliff. The idea scared him half to death, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t see it happen.
He didn’t want that. He just wanted to heal. To learn how to pick up the pieces of his broken, sorry excuse for a life, and finally be a whole person. And if that meant having to swallow his pride and pour his heart out to the man now sitting in front of him, then so be it. Taking a deep breath, he glanced at Giles, suddenly realizing that the therapist was waiting for him to speak. And, much to his surprise, Spike found himself doing just that.
Glancing at the door leading into Giles’ office, Buffy couldn’t help but wonder what was going on at the other side. She tried not to think too much, knowing there was no point in worrying about something that was out of her control. Spike needed to do this by himself, and she – just as importantly – needed to learn to take a step back. Although a part of her wished she could be in there with him, in case he would need her, she had to respect his decision.
The simple truth was, she couldn’t protect Spike forever, not from his own life. She was not doing him any favors by allowing him to become too dependent on her. It wasn’t going to be easy – no point in denying that – but in the end, he was the only one who could face his past and beat his inner demons. She couldn’t do it for him, no matter how much she wanted to. It was of great importance for both of them – not to mention for their relationship – that Spike learned to stand on his own two feet instead of keep leaning on her.
It was almost scary how much Spike had already come to mean to her; it was like her love for him just kept getting a little stronger by each day. They hadn’t really known each other that long, but somehow, she felt like the bond between them went beyond time, like they were always meant to end up together. She wasn’t sure whether or not to believe in soul mates, however, she couldn’t help but think that if such a thing really did exist, she could stop looking.
Buffy knew without doubt that he felt the same way about her. She had never met anyone quite like Spike before; she couldn’t really explain it, but she felt that he loved her, not only with his heart, but with every fiber of his body. When she looked into his eyes, she was almost certain that she could see right into his soul. And even before he had dared to actually speak the words out loud, deep down, she already knew how he felt about her.
So, it went without saying. Along with love came trust, and right now, she had to trust Spike to be strong enough to handle this on his own. If they were to spend the rest of their lives together – and she wanted nothing more – then she needed to believe in his ability to fight his own battles. In fact, Spike was the strongest person she had ever met, the problem was just that he didn’t see it that way. And he desperately needed to learn to believe in himself, like she believed in him.
“Here is what I find interesting,” Giles started, having listened to Spike’s story in silence. “The reason why you are here today is because you feel like things are spiraling out of your control. But the way I see it, it’s quite the opposite. In fact, you coming here, willingly, tells me that you are finally ready to start facing the problem instead of keep living in denial. And that’s what control is all about.”
Spike nodded, slowly, a thoughtful look on his face. “Buffy said something similar.”
“I’m not surprised.” Giles smiled a little. “She seems to be a very clever girl.” Then he became serious. “Spike, I realize you wish to put what happened in the past behind you and move on. But it’s important that you understand that your past will always be a part of you. It will never go away.”
“Great.” Spike rolled his eyes. “So, you’re saying I’m doomed, no matter what I do. Thanks, doc. Makes me feel so much better.”
“You misunderstand me.” Giles leaned back in his chair, a calm expression on his face. “I can try to help you make peace with your feelings and emotions. Eventually, some of the painful memories will fade. But they will always be there, under the surface. We can spend years talking about it, but it won’t change what happened to you. It may sound harsh, but you were abused as a child, and that has shaped you and turned you into the person you are today. There is nothing I can say or do to make that fact any less true.”
“Right.” Spike slumped back into the couch. “Still not seeing your point.”
“My point is,” Giles continued, “that in order for you to be able to move on, you have to accept your past for what it is. Talking about it will help, even though it will most likely be painful. But the simple fact remains; it happened.” He paused. “Your future, on the other hand, is something you can be in charge of. And that is what we’re going to focus on right now.”
Spike frowned, not sure he understood where the other man was going. “Sorry, doesn’t make any sense. Think what I did to Buffy’s cousin last night proves that I’m not in charge of a bloody thing.”
“Your reaction may have been rather... unfortunate, but the message was bright and clear,” Giles insisted. “You were not about to let anyone hurt you again.”
Spike shook his head. “She wasn’t really...”
Giles interrupted him; “Still, your mind reacted on pure instinct, and that is only natural. It will take time, not to mention a lot of work, but you will learn how to handle yourself in vulnerable situations like that.”
Although not fully convinced, Spike decided not to object. “If you say so.”
“Now,” Giles went on, “when I said we’re going to focus on your future, I didn’t mean for us to let go of the past completely, since it all comes together. I have a suggestion for you, and I want you to take it under serious consideration before answering.”
Raising a brow, somewhat suspiciously, Spike got the feeling he wouldn’t like where this was heading. “What’s that?”
The therapist paused for a moment. “Tell me, Spike, how are your writing skills?”
TBC