At least, that was the illusion he had been under, ever since he was old enough to understand the very concept of sexual relations. He had heard that with the right person, sex could be a good thing. Wonderful, even. It had to be a lie, though. Because nothing good could possibly come from something he so clearly associated with nothing but fear and humiliation. Or, so he had thought. Until he met Buffy.
“Spike, please...”
The way her eyes closed when his fingers found their way inside her, gently rubbing her clit, told him that this was the way it was supposed to be. He had been wrong for so long, misguided. Lost. But now, finally, the world made sense to him. Everything was all right. Because she had found him. Or he had found her. And he never wanted to let her go.
“God, don’t stop, please, need more, so good...” She was babbling now, breathing faster and faster as she begged him to continue, and he was too happy to oblige to reflect over the fact that he didn’t really know what he was doing. It was all still so new to him, but for some reason, he seemed to manage to do it just right. Because when she finally collapsed back against the bed with a muffled scream, panting hard, the look on her face when she met his eyes was one of pure bliss.
There were so many things he wanted to tell her at that moment, but the huge lump in his throat made it simply impossible for him to speak. So, he settled for looking at her, reaching out a trembling hand to brush a single strand of hair away from her forehead and then pressed a tender kiss to her temple.
Buffy’s arms found their way around his neck, holding him tight to keep him from pulling away, and he willingly melted into her embrace, kissing her hungrily until they both had to pull back for air. Resting his forehead against hers for a moment, he then rolled over so he was lying on his back, his arms still around her as if he couldn’t imagine letting go of her, even for a second.
A soft smile was playing on her lips. “Your turn...” she mumbled, suggestively. He just nodded, still not having found his voice. Buffy hesitated for a moment. “Trust me?” she then whispered, watching his face, closely. He nodded again, without hesitation. Her smile grew wider and she brushed her lips against his.
Then she slid down, her hand moving to gently cup his balls. She looked up at him for a brief moment, silently giving him a chance to back out. When his eyes just met hers, calmly, she let out the breath she had been holding and took his almost painfully hard cock into her mouth. Spike couldn’t help but gasp as she let her tongue softly run over the tip of his shaft, teasing him a little before taking him in deeper, fully focusing on adding to his pleasure.
“Buffy...” he breathed, thrusting his hips slightly in response, his entire body shaking from the effort of holding back. He didn’t want to come, not yet. He had been in hell for so long. Now, he felt like he had finally found his way into heaven, and he wanted to stay. His mind was racing, and at the same time, he was unable to form any coherent thoughts. Because all that existed at that moment was extreme, indescribable pleasure.
He had been right about one thing. What Ethan had done to him had been sick and twisted, and had nothing to do with love. But this was different. This was all about love, and he had nothing to fear anymore. Not as long as he was with Buffy. Because with the right person, sex wasn’t just a good thing. It was truly and utterly amazing.
When he finally found himself unable to last any longer, he managed to grunt a warning, fully expecting Buffy to pull away. Instead she just remained where she was, swallowing over and over again as he came right in her mouth, the warm, sticky fluid flowing for what seemed like an eternity. He could do little more than just stare at her, as she thoroughly licked him clean before collapsing on top of him with a content smile on her lips.
Opening his mouth to stutter some kind of apology, he then stopped himself, realizing that she didn’t seem to be disgusted in any way. If anything, she looked happy. As he relaxed, he couldn’t help but chuckle.
Buffy shifted a little so she could look at him, giving him a somewhat confused look. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” Despite his words, he was grinning like an idiot. “Just had an epiphany.”
“Well...” She curled up next to him, putting her head down to rest on his shoulder. “I could comment on your timing, but I don’t have the energy at the moment.”
“Right.” He started stroking her hair. “Bit knackered, myself. Could sleep for a while, if you want.”
“Nah, we’re not done, yet.” Buffy smiled, tiredly. “Don’t wanna sleep. Just gonna close my eyes for a moment.” She let out a happy sigh as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. A moment later, she was deep asleep. And after a couple of minutes, so was he.
“Hey...” Buffy blinked, sleepily, failing to suppress a yawn. “What are you doing?”
Spike smiled as he realized that she was awake. “Watching you.”
“Oh.” She was silent for a moment, then pouted a little. “Why?”
“’Cause you’re adorable,” he stated, running his fingers softly over her face. “Could just watch you for hours.”
She felt her heart melt at his words. “You’re too good to be true, you know that?” He lowered his eyes, clearly embarrassed, and she couldn’t help but smile. “What time is it?” Shrugging, Spike started to sit up, but she put a hand on his arm to stop him. “Don’t move! I don’t really care what time it is.”
He chuckled. Then he suddenly became serious. “Look, I was just wondering...” He hesitated for a moment. “Did you mean what you said before?”
It only took a moment for her to figure out what he was referring to. She had known he would bring it up, sooner or later. Glancing at him, almost shyly, she nodded. “Yeah. But I’m not gonna be pushy about it, or anything. I mean, if it’s too soon...” Her voice trailed off as she saw the look on his face. “You do think it’s too soon. Right. Just forget I said anything, I...”
“Buffy...” Spike interrupted her nervous ramblings. “Just hear me out, yeah?” She nodded, weakly. “Nothing would make me happier than us living together for real. Just not...”
“Just not yet,” Buffy finished with a nod, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice as she forced a brave smile. “Got it. We can just...”
“Just not here.” Spike rolled his eyes, although he looked more amused than annoyed. “Would you stop jumping to conclusions and actually listen to me?”
“I...” Buffy blushed, nodded again and pretended to zip her lips closed.
“Thank you.” Spike was quiet for a moment. “Look, it’s just that too much has happened here. If we’re gonna move in together, I want us to find a place of our own.” Seeing the relieved look on her face, he went on; “And no, I don’t think it’s too soon. How could it be? I mean, just being away from you for a moment makes me feel like a part of myself is missing. Every minute we’re not together, I feel like I’m just wasting my time. Time that I could be spending with you.”
Buffy swallowed hard, tears welling up in her eyes. “I feel the same way.” She gave him a shaky smile. “So, what are you saying? You want us to start looking for apartments?”
“Well, yeah.” It was his turn to look shy. “If that’s okay with you.”
“More than okay. God, I...” She stopped and wiped her cheeks, laughing despite the tears streaming down her face. “Don’t know what’s wrong with me. Seem to be bawling constantly these days. Sorry. “ She sniffled a little, taking his hand as she noticed the concerned look on his face. “Happy tears, though, in case you’re wondering.”
“Good to hear.” Spike let out a snort. “Had me worried for a while. Started to think the whole idea of moving in together was making you miserable.”
“You don’t really believe that!” She slapped him gently on the arm.
“No, I don’t.” He gave her a soft peck on the cheek, reaching out his hand to brush away her tears. For some reason, he felt like a huge weight had lifted from his shoulders. Maybe this was it. Time to start looking forward and create new memories. And maybe someday he would be able to actually make peace with the old ones. Because whether he liked it or not, Giles had been right. They would always be a part of him.
TBC