Spike shrugged, trying to hide his amusement. She obviously found it a lot harder to take in the news about her friend than he did, possibly because she had known Xander for so long and considered him one of her closest friends. Or maybe it was just because the news weren’t really news to him, since Xander had already let his secret slip out at Buffy’s birthday. However, Spike had made a good show of acting just as surprised as Buffy and Willow.
“It’s not that I’m not happy for him, or anything,” Buffy quickly went on as she dropped her jacket on a chair. “No, I think it’s great. Really. Jesse seems to be a really great guy. And Xander looked happy, right? So, it’s great.” She frowned. “I said that already, didn’t I?”
Spike couldn’t help but chuckle. “Think you did, yeah.” Then he became serious. “Look, can we just forget about Xander for a moment, pet? You said there was something you wanted to talk about.” Moving to sit down on the couch, he hoped he didn’t look as nervous as he felt. When Buffy had returned from her session with Giles earlier that day, she had told him they needed to talk, and naturally, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
Buffy tensed up for a moment, then her shoulders slumped and she nodded. “Yeah. Might as well get it over with.” Seeing the worried look on his face, she made her way over to the couch and sat down next to him. “It’s nothing bad, really. It’s just...” She bit her lip. “Giles made me realize some things.”
“What’s that?” He gave her a questioning look, reaching out to take her hand after a brief moment’s hesitation.
“Well...” Buffy kept her eyes on their hands. “All right, look, it was never my intention, but he made me see I’ve been keeping some things from you. Things about me. Like, for instance, the way I feel about my birthday.” She glanced at him.
“Oh.” Spike was quiet for a moment. “Knew that already, luv. Your mum told me, remember?”
She looked up and their eyes met. “Yeah, but that’s the thing. You shouldn’t have to hear stuff like that from someone else. Here I’ve been going on and on about how you need to be open with me, and then I go and do the exact opposite myself. God, I’m such a hypocrite!” She rolled her eyes.
“No, s’okay. Really.” Spike squeezed her hand, softly. “Not that I blame you or anything. I mean, I want you to be able to talk to me, but I can understand if you...”
“It’s not that.” Buffy interrupted him. “I do feel like I can talk to you. It’s just...” She dropped her eyes again. “The truth is, I didn’t say anything because my problems seemed so... stupid, and trivial. I mean, who am I to complain about my life, when...”
“Oh, for the love of...!” It was his turn to interrupt her, an annoyed expression on his face as he let go of her hand. “Have I ever given you a reason to believe that your feelings would be less important than mine?” She opened her mouth, but he went on; “Seriously, Buffy, is this how it’s gonna be between us? You being afraid of sharing your inner thoughts and fears with me, because you feel guilty about your problems not being bad enough compared to mine? What, think I can’t handle the competition?” He let out a snort.
Buffy glared at him. “Hey, I’m trying to tell you I was wrong. Giles told me I can’t keep trying to protect you from the world, and he’s right. I realize that. But...” She swallowed. “But I want to. I love you so much, and I just want you to be happy.”
Spike’s face softened, and he sighed. “I love you, too, pet. You know that. But you can’t keep doing this. If something’s bothering you, I wanna know ‘bout it. Can’t stand the thought of you feeling like you have to hide things from me.”
Closing her eyes in shame, Buffy nodded. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise.”
He reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, then put his hand on her cheek. “You’ve taught me that I need to trust you. That you’ll be there for me no matter what. That goes for you, too, luv. You need to remember that.”
Giving him a shaky smile, Buffy covered his hand with her own. “I’ll try. Be patient with me?”
“Always.” He leaned in to give her a soft kiss, and she immediately curled up in his arms. They sat like that for a couple of minutes, neither of them speaking.
Suddenly Buffy remembered something. “Hey, I got you something!” She jumped up from the couch and ran over to the chair where she had left her jacket. Pulling out a small, brown paper bag from her pocket, she returned to the couch and held it out to him. “Here.”
Spike took the bag from her, a curious look on his face. “What’s this?”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Just look inside, will you?” He did as she said and pulled out a small, black book. Frowning, he opened it and noticed that it was full of white, blank pages. He gave her a questioning look. Suddenly feeling uncertain, Buffy explained; “I saw it today and thought of you. You can do whatever you want with it. Scribble down grocery lists, or use it as a phone book. Or, you know, write stuff?” She held her breath, hoping she hadn’t gone too far with her suggestion.
Immediately realizing where she was getting at, Spike tensed up a little. He remained silent for a moment, then nodded. “Right. Thanks.”
Watching him closely, Buffy then slumped back down on the couch. “You don’t like it. Want me to take it back?”
“No, don’t be ridiculous.” Spike gave her a smile he hoped would be assuring. “I like it. I do. Realize what you’re trying to do, and I appreciate it. It’s just...” He hesitated, not sure how to explain. “It’s just the whole idea about writing, you know? Giles seems to think it would be good for me, and maybe he’s right. But I don’t know if I can do it. It would just feel...”
“Scary?” She put her head down on his shoulder.
“Weird.” He slipped his arm around her back, pulling her close. “And scary. Because if I write about what happened to me, what he did to me, then I’d have to read it. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
“I can understand that.” She ran her fingers down his arm. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. Just think about it.”
He nodded. “I will.”
”We seem to be having a problem, here.” Ethan was towering above him, the man’s eerily calm voice scaring him a lot more than if he had been shouting. “The question is, what are we going to do about it?”
“Please...” He ducked his head, his heart beating painfully hard in his chest. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Just don’t…” Ethan’s fist hit him right in the face and he immediately became silent, biting his tongue to keep from crying out in pain.
“You just never learn, do you, boy?” The tall man shook his head in mock sympathy. “How many times have I told you? You only get to speak when I say so. But you keep disobeying me. Forcing me to punish you, again and again, and yet, you just can’t seem to learn to behave.” Ethan let out an exaggerated sigh. “On your feet and turn against the wall.”
Wrapping his arms protectively around himself, he stubbornly shook his head, his back pressed against the wall. He knew he shouldn’t object; there was no point. It would only make things worse for him. But he couldn’t help himself. He knew what was coming, and he was terrified. Squeezing his eyes shut, he could do little more than just pray it would be over soon. And when Ethan grabbed him by the arm and yanked him to his feet, he mentally prepared himself for the inevitable.
Spike sat up in bed with a silent gasp, his eyes darting around the room in panic before he realized that it had only been a nightmare. He jumped when he felt a small hand on his arm, then relaxed a little when he noticed Buffy sitting up next to him, a look of concern on her face. Taking a deep breath, he looked down at his hands, almost laughing when he saw how hard they were shaking. “M’fine,” he mumbled. “Just a dream.”
“No kidding...” Buffy was quiet for a moment, obviously not sure of what to do. “Wanna tell me about it? Or...” She was cut off as he pulled her into his arms, clinging to her almost desperately, and she immediately wrapped her own arms around him, hugging him carefully. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m right here.”
“Yeah.” He could feel his heartbeats slowly getting back to normal, and he was starting to feel stupid. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Don’t you start with me.” She rolled her eyes, although she knew he wouldn’t see it. “Seriously, don’t you dare apologize. We’re way passed that.”
“Right.” Spike nodded in agreement, letting out a shaky breath. “Just give me a moment, luv.” Her only response was to hug him closer, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck, forcing himself to calm down.
Buffy waited patiently for a couple of minutes, just holding him close, one hand running gently up and down his back. Finally, she pulled back a little. “Sweetie? You okay?”
Their eyes met and he nodded. “Yeah, sure.” A pause. “Fuck! Thought I’d moved passed all of this.” Spike grimaced. “Haven’t had a bloody nightmare for more than a week. Thought that was it, you know?” He swallowed. “But that’s just wishful thinking, right? It’ll never really be over.” Furiously blinking away the tears, he tried to pull away from her, but she didn’t let him. He gave up and allowed her to pull his head down to rest on her shoulder.
“I don’t know.” Buffy hesitated, clearly choosing her next words carefully. “Maybe you just need more time. I mean, look how far you’ve come since we first met. But after everything you’ve been through, you can’t expect it to just go away over a night. Healing takes time.”
“Yeah, I get that.” Spike let out a sigh, tightening his grip around her. “I’m just sick of it. Why does it have to be so bloody hard?”
Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again, knowing he didn’t really expect her to answer. Although her heart was breaking for him, she wasn’t overly surprised. Things had been going almost too well lately. “I love you,” she mumbled, at a loss for what else to say.
He managed a small smile. “Love you, too.” Brushing his lips gently against hers, he then pulled back, his eyes landing on the black notebook on the bedside table.
Her eyes following his, Buffy quickly made a decision. “Hey, I’m starving. How about I’ll run to the grocery store and get us something to eat?”
Spike raised a brow. “Let me guess? Craving for donuts again?” She pouted a little and he hurried to give her a peck on the cheek. “Get me one with chocolate?”
“Sure.” She gave him a sweet smile and got up. “Be back in twenty.”
When Buffy had left the room, Spike found himself once again glancing at the book she had given him last night. For a couple of minutes, he just sat there, unsure of what to do next. Then he slowly pulled out the drawer and reached for a pen. Leaning back against the wall, he then opened the book. After a brief moment’s hesitation, he started writing.
TBC